A Day in a Disorder

“A mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life. That’s the dictionary definition of being depressed Carter. I wiped my tears. But what they don’t explain in the definition is how painful, difficult, and tiring it all is. Carter looked at me with sad eyes. He walked up to me and gave me a hug. I was taken aback, and soon enough I broke down and sobbed in his arms.” 

I closed the book with frustration. “Don’t you hate it when books make it seem like boys are the solution to girls troubles? I mean take this book for example. The girl had clinical depression and she tells this boy the reality of it, then they end it with the girl crying his arms as if that solved things. I mean I’m not against having someone to help but with something as serious as depression... It’s just… different.” I finally stopped pacing. “I understand your point and I’m all about being independent, but I think it’s cute,” my best friend, Tatiana, said as she smiled. I rolled my eyes. Tatiana looked at me and said, “Why would it bother you anyways?” I hesitated. “No reason I’m just saying. Anyways, we should get home soon, the library is about to close.” We packed our things and headed out the door. However, I couldn’t help but think of the things that were said a couple of minutes ago. 

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Once I got home, I went straight to my room, dropped my things on the side of my door, and plopped on the bed with my journal. I opened it up and turned to the next empty page and began to write, like I usually do. 

Dear anyone who wants to listen, 

Today, Tatiana and I woke up early to go to the library, since they were going to close earlier due to a family event that the librarian had to attend to. We were reading books and sitting in our usual chairs, just like we always do. I stumbled upon a book about two strangers becoming friends and in the end the boy saves the girl- yeah yeah yeah. You already know how I feel about that stuff. Like I’ve mentioned countless times. Love is a powerful thing, don't get me wrong. All I'm saying is that relationship love isn't the only love that can do wonders. Well anyways, enough of that. The start of the day wasn’t horrible. However, I can’t help but feel like there is something wrong. It’s weird. Nothing bad has happened but there’s this deep, heavy feeling in my gut and for some reason I just can’t seem to shake it… But I’m gonna have to anyways (somehow), because I need to go do homework. Alright, peace out! 

Thanks, Much Love <3

I put my journal away and did some homework before I had to go back to school for the 2nd period. Somehow I managed to get things done, organized, and arrive at school on time. As I entered through the gates, the bell for the passing period rang. Everyone coming out of their classrooms, waved or said “hi” as they passed me in the halls. I wouldn’t say I’m popular because I definitely don’t act like one. For really no good reason, people just know of me. I was going about my day- going from class to class. Nothing was really different from the rest of the days until I got that feeling from this morning again. I didn’t think much of it, so I tried to hide and push away what was happening. Things were going smoothly until I entered my ASB class. It was the class I always looked forward to, especially since it was my last class but mostly because I was helping other people and organizing things. Right when I thought things were going okay, something switched in me. My mood changed and I felt like crying, but I knew I shouldn’t or couldn’t show emotion; especially since today we needed to get things done. I don’t know what was wrong, and that whole time I was trying to figure out what the problem was but nothing came to mind. I pushed through but it was difficult. It felt like life was giving every negative feeling for no reason. It felt like I was given every possible worse case scenario in my head and it never found a solution or a way out. While this was going on, my friends were talking amongst themselves when they turned to me and asked me a question. I wasn’t able to pay attention much so I just brushed it off. However, they politely asked again but oddly enough instead of answering them I lashed out and walked to a different seat. Not long after that, I started to feel bad about what I did. I walked over and said, “I’m sorry for lashing out. I guess you could say it's been a long day.” They all looked at me with a smile and told me that it was okay. All I could think was that I was ready to go home. 

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The last school bell of the day finally rang and I rushed home, but no one even hesitated to stop me or call me. I didn’t even put music on like I usually do. When I got home, mom was home. She greeted me as I walked in and as usual I put on a smile and had a small conversation with her. I told her I was going upstairs to my room and she let me go. Right before I was going to head up I turned around to tell her something, but I saw her looking at a picture of our family. Things changed over the past few weeks and it’s been hard for all of us, but mostly for her. My dad divorced my mom in order to marry another woman. Although my mom refused for days she finally made the sacricial decision to let it happen because she loves him. Ever since then, it hasn’t been the same but we definitely try. I turned back around and headed upstairs. I go to the bathroom and as I am washing my hands I look up at the mirror. I looked at myself closely and I saw that there wasn’t a spark in my eyes that is usually there. I looked even closer and I noticed the genuine smile was gone as well. Little by little I started noticing things about myself. Little by little I started thinking about everything; about my mom, the situation with my dad, what happened today, things that happened in the past, everything I’m unsure about, this boy that I think is cute and how I will never have a chance, love, my flaws, the fact that my future wouldn’t happen, feeling worthless and that what i’ve done isn’t enough, everything. I see tears streaming down my face but I just wash them away. When I got back up, I saw my face how it truly felt: sad. No matter how much I tried to hide it, it finally came out. Then, I started to cry. More tears were streaming down my cheeks and it felt like I was suffocating. As I heard a knock on my door, I tried my hardest to breathe normally and look like I didn’t cry. My mother knocked on the bathroom door this time and through the door she said, “Hey honey, i’m going to head out to buy groceries. I’ll be back.” I swallowed and said with a smile so I sounded normal, “Alright Mom. Be safe.” As she left, I started crying again because of what just happened. Sad that I had to hide how I was feeling and how easy it was. I slowly found my way to the bathroom floor, sobbing quietly so no one could hear me because I knew that once I came out, I had to act like all was good in the world. 

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I came out of the bathroom trying to breathe while wiping tears from my face. I felt empty but I also felt numb, angry, sad, and alone all at the same time. It didn’t make any sense. “It never makes any sense,” I thought to myself. The anger grew. I couldn’t take it anymore. Now imagine this. Understanding that something is wrong, but constantly brushing it off because either others tell you to or because you are told to believe that little things shouldn’t bother you or you have trust issues or you simply can’t open up because you’re afraid. Imagine giving your all in something and even getting compliments about it, but then somehow believing that it wasn’t enough. Imagine that you’re happy and okay but then to have that all taken away from you in an instant for no apparent reason. That you feel every single emotion at once and have your heart in pain because of how overwhelming it is, and then feel absolutely nothing the next. That you’re crying yourself to sleep consecutively but then waking up the next day and leaving the house with a smile pretending nothing happened. That you want to call someone and you scroll through all your contacts to see that there isn’t anybody you could call. That you have friends but then your mind makes you think that they aren’t there to be your real friends and that they are just using you. That you make decisions because of how much you're feeling and you end up regretting it but you know you can’t take it back. That you need a hug but there isn’t anyone to give it to you. That you know you want and need help, but don’t have the courage to get it. That you. Are. Alone. 

I opened my eyes. 

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I looked around the room and I saw the mess that I made. Every page of every journal I’ve written in was scattered all over the floor, the bed that was made in the morning is now undone, and the knick-knacks on the shelves made their way onto the floor. It was a disaster. When I completely realized what I had done, I sobbed in my hands. I didn’t know what to do anymore, so I just continued to cry. For what seemed like hours only happened in minutes. I finally wracked up the energy to stand up and move to the bathroom, or my bed, or anywhere but where I already was. As I got up, a page got stuck to my tear covered hand. I took it off and looked at the page. The next thing I knew, I was getting my keys and jacket and heading out the door. To be honest, I didn’t really know where I was going. It felt like those words became my body and  began to do things for me. Then everything came to a stop, as if the control was now passed onto me. I saw where I was at; it was my best friend, Tatiana’s, house. I practically jumped out of the car and ran to her door. I rang the doorbell and then there she was, as if she knew I was going to come. I looked at her with watery eyes and a small grin. As I began to open my mouth to attempt to form words, she came and hugged me tight as if she somehow knew. I started to sob once more. In my head I was thinking, “Wow. How do I still have tears to cry out?” However, bad jokes aside, this time the crying is different. The difference between this time and a few hours ago is that I’m allowing myself- Allowing myself to cry. Allowing myself to be vulnerable. Allowing myself to do all these things in front of somebody. Most importantly, allowing myself to talk and let people in. Tatiana pulled away and she told me to come inside so we can go somewhere quiet, private, and comfortable in order to talk. For once, I was willingly letting all this happen. 

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From that day forward, I have never forgotten what those words had done for me and what power it has. From that day forward, I knew my friendship with Tatiana was real and for once my head didn’t create scenarios to convince me otherwise. From that day forward, I knew going to Tatiana, my best friend, for help was the best decision I’ve ever made. From that day forward, I was able to have hope again. From that day forward, I knew I could ask for help and get it.