Hey Hun

10.09 

It’s been another bountiful day for your humble provisioners of the finest celebrity gossip here at Hey Hun. Everyone’s favourite (cough) actress Evangeline Logan has kindly provided us with another of her famed outbursts. This time, her rage was ignited by a smoothie. That’s right folks! Apparently, it was made with soy milk instead of oat milk. We heard that a camera man had to make liberal use of a bag of frozen peas after a spoon went flying and collided with his forehead. Let’s hope the peas don’t find their way into any future smoothies, or there’ll be hell to pay.  

15.09 

Today it gives me great pleasure to provide an update on the beautiful Will Headley, and what a cute update it is. Rumour has it that Will – still sun-kissed after a recent stint of filming in the Mediterranean for his new role as a wandering-explorer-poet *insert lustful sigh* - enjoyed a Baftas after-party with – wait for it – a bunch of us normals ! It seems that Will tired of all of the bright lights and glitter after picking up an award for his leading role in Le Bateau. So he shed his Armani and made his way over to the Dog and Sparrow in New Cross.  

Several pints in, Will had forged a tight bond with a group of regulars, and accepted an invite back to theirs to play a drunken game of Truth or Dare. We hear that Will – when asked who his ideal partner would be – replied “I need to be with someone who sees through all of this celebrity bullshit you know? I need someone I can just be me with”.  

Which leaves all of us, dear readers, with two burning questions. Was there any kissing involved in these dares? And even more importantly – could one of us be Will’s next paramour ?? 

17.09 

I’m sure many of us will be unsurprised to hear that George Allsopp, our most esteemed Chancellor of the Exchequer, has once again been very. very. naughty.  

Rumour has it that Mr Allsopp was called into the PM’s office yesterday morning following his receipt of an email containing some... compromising images of the Chancellor. Hey Hun has not had the good fortune of seeing the images for ourselves, but we did hear that handcuffs were the least exciting of the equipment involved in the raunchy tableau.  

All eyes are on George as we eagerly await the PR acrobatics he will soon have to perform. Quite a few eyes are also on his pregnant wife Harriet – not featured in the pictures – who has yet to make any public comment. Poor Harriet.  

19.09  

Will Headley has been seen shopping at a Uniqlo near Oxford street, once more confirming his status as a man of the people.  

We can’t help but wander which item he might have gone for – a new pair of cords? A winter jacket? – but there is one question where we’re closer to an answer. Will was seen entering, perusing and leaving the shop all on his own. It seems like, for all their efforts, the Dog and Sparrow truth-or-darers have been unsuccessful in separating Will from his new(ish) singledom. Shame.  

Ladies – it's all still to play for.  

22.09 

A new day, a new fit of celebrity rage. Elena Caulfield smashed not one but two rackets on the centre court at Wimbledon this weekend, following a close defeat to her arch-nemesis, Arielle Bowers.  

Sport is boring so, of course, there’s twist for you with this one. You’ve heard of enemies to lovers. How about enemies- to lovers- to enemies? Rumour has it that behind the scenes Elena and Arielle have been playing more than tennis. This seems to have come to an abrupt end, however, when Arielle’s eye was caught by the Herculean Logan Coombs, American athlete extraordinaire. Arielle was seen out having coffee with Logan in Mayfair on Thursday.  

If our information is correct (which it always is) could Elena’s outburst on the court have been not merely professional fury, but the fury of a lover scorned? The catastrophic disintegration of a not-so-secret relationship for all the world to see, all in high definition. You hate to see it (Not really – we love it).  

24.09 

Another death knell sounded for Lucas Martin’s flailing comedy career earlier this week, when he had to do some last minute re-writing of his live set following some firm words from his manager. We’ve heard that the excised content heavily featured some old-school sexism, much in the same vein as telling women to ‘get in the kitchen’.  

Come on Lucas, we thought you were better than that! Oh wait no, we didn’t.  

27.09 

We’ve been getting a lot of reports over the past few days of Will Headley being spotted with Fleur Caldwell at the Academy Awards. Apparently, the two were seen conversing on several occasions during the night, often standing in very close proximity, and apparently Will put his hand around Fleur’s waist as she was walking up the red carpet steps.  

Here at Hey Hun, we take the truth extremely seriously, so we examined each sighting of Will and Fleur at the Academy Awards CSI-style – we went under the microscope, frame-by-frame. Here are some of our key findings: 

Lip-reading of these ‘intimate’ moments revealed some extremely banal conversations, including such highlights as ‘the weather’s colder than I thought it would be’ and ‘wasn’t there loads of traffic on the way here?’ 

Fleur Caldwell spends significantly more time during the evening with Matt Richards (of ‘The Archway’ fame). Their conversations were difficult to lipread, but if the lingering looks were anything to go by, there was definitely more of a vibe between them than between Fleur and Will.  

The significance of the waist moment has been massively overblown. Yes, Will briefly put his hand on the small of Fleur’s back. But this was clearly because she was struggling up the steps in her skin-tight Dior and nearly toppled over backwards (embarrassing!). This was an act of gallantry – yes – but not affection.  

Also, we know from reliable sources that Will previously said that he “need[s] to be with someone who sees through all of this celebrity bullshit”. Clearly, that person is not Fleur Caldwell – child-star-turned-Hollywood-actress, who has literally spent her entire existence nestled in the bosom of celebrity.  

Dear readers, we hate to disappoint - but on this occasion, disappoint we must.  

29.09 

Clyde Tyler has shocked and amazed the general public by his most recent choice of romantic companion. At the ripe old age of 32, Clyde’s new girlfriend surpasses the age of his previous three girlfriends by at least 5 years. Now in his mid-fifties, Clyde is surely showing signs of wanting to settle down.  

02.10 

Will and Fleur Caldwell have been spotted together, arm-in-arm, in Hyde Park.  

He was wearing black Dickies, a loose black top (brand unknown), Ray Bans and New Balance. His outfit was muted but he – as always – was effervescent.  

She was wearing a sage Prada summer maxi dress with white Vejas and a black Balenciaga bag.  

They walked from the Italian Gardens, down to the Serpentine North Gallery, where they paused briefly before crossing the water to the Diana Memorial Fountain. Here they paused again, before finding a discreet bench away from the crowds.  

When he put his arm around her as they sat there – in the shade of a plane tree – she must have felt electric. The dappled early autumn sun which surrounded them was warm and beautiful but within him was a greater heat, at once thrilling and enduring. She must have been set alight at the touch of his skin. How mesmerising must it have been, to watch the contours of his face shift and change as the light caught and caressed it in different places, how his eyes must have shifted from oak to liquid amber as the sun went down.  

03.10 

A general election has been called. There are a few rumours that certain MPs are throwing around bribes in order to be parachuted into safe seats. Everyone very stressed etc etc 

03.10 

Last night I had a dream that I was walking up a red carpet in these really high heels, and I just couldn’t get to grips with how tall they were. My ankles kept violently twisting out from under me and I would swerve over, only just about regaining my balance. I felt truly mortified, felt the heat of all of the watching eyes and cameras on me with scorching intensity. But I was propelled forward by the absolute certainty that once I got through the door at the end of the carpet I would be safe, hidden. So sure was I, in fact, that I began to speed up in my desperation, just as I came to a set of steps. Here, predictably, my ankle finally surrendered and I tumbled dramatically to the ground, my legs flying over my head, all sense of gravitational awareness – of up and down – completely surrendered. Finally I came to a standstill, splayed out in the middle of the carpet, the blood rushing in my ears. Above me, I could see only blank grey sky, felt this sense of deep and existential hopelessness. And then Will’s face appeared above me, the sun now radiating out from behind his head like a halo. He pulled me wordlessly to my feet, took me gently by the hand, and lead me off the red carpet via a hidden side door that I hadn’t seen before.  

I’ve been thinking about it a lot today, and I get it now. Me and Will are both used to being immersed in celebrity – albeit in different ways – but we also both yearn for a place on the periphery, outside of the noise and glamour.  

And I think the reality is, I am that escape for Will. Just as he picked me up and lead me away from the red carpet, so I could rescue him from all of the vanity and superficiality. 

04.10 

Will, I know that there’s a strong chance you’ll read this, because I’ve received your lawyer’s ‘polite’ request for all posts concerning you to be deleted, and no further ones to be created.  

I’m truly sorry if I hurt or upset you, that was never my intention. 

I know, though, that you’ll see through all the noise. That you’ll understand that what I’ve been saying here makes sense.  

I love you. And you just need to meet me to know that you love me too.