If Not I, Then Who?

I have long lost myself. I do not know how this has happened, but I do know that I am not myself. I have tried so hard to be something, someone, that everyone wants me to be. And I might have succeeded, but in the end, hasn’t cost me everything? I am lost. It is suffocating, drowning, killing. Who am I? What was I made for? Why do I exist? I question my worth. I question myself. I ask myself constantly, ‘If not I, then who?’ If not I, then who will do all that is necessary, all that must be done. The answer, I sadly find, is no one. If not I, then who? No one, only I. In this way I have long lost myself because I have given everything to pointless causes. Maybe in the end, it was not necessary, but what was done is done.

I have once felt lost. It is not forever. One day you will breathe a gush of fresh air and realize that you are no longer suffocating, and when that day comes, I will be right by your side. Suffering shouldn’t be done alone.

Will I always question myself? Wonder who I am? Be lost in what I am versus what people want from me? What people want me to be? I am not perfect, but it seems that I must be, or no one would want me, care for me.

Perfection is a curse that everyone strives for, but no one has. Why question yourself? Why rely on others to determine your worth? Why rely on others to determine who you are? I understand the struggle of wanting others to like you, to love you, so much to the point that you try and become what they want you to be. But the thing about that is that you will never be what they want you to be. It is a cruel truth, but a truth, nonetheless. Look deep inside yourself and try and find who you really are.

What if I am never able to find who I am again? What if I am forever lost? I have not been myself in so long. I have not been me to the point I have forgotten who I ever was. I do not know my interests or hobbies. Maybe I never had any. Maybe I never will.

Do not give up on yourself! You are your number one supporter. Find it deep in yourself what once sparked so much joy in your life. What was it that made you get up every day? What was it that made you want to go on? Why give up so close to the end? Why give up so close to your freedom? You can do so much more, you can be so much more.

I want to be more! I want to do more! I do not wish to give up even if everything and everyone tells me I should. I want to be more; I want to be me. Even if I do not know who I am, I will strive to become the version of me that I have always wanted to be. The version of me that I was always supposed to be. I do not know how long it will take for me to be who I want to be, who I might have once been, but I will do anything to have that spark of joy back in my life.

I am glad you have finally seen my point. I hope you take my advice and find that spark you are looking for. If you ever feel so lost again, do not forget that I am by your side and will always be by your side. You do not have to suffer through anything on your own. If you suffer, I will suffer right next to you and I hope if I suffer you will return the favor.

Of course I will return the favor. You have been more than enough help. I used to feel so hopeless, but I don’t feel as hopeless anymore. I do want to take your advice; I want to use it to my fullest. I am tired of feeling like I am never enough even if I give it my all, my everything. I have done so much, I have helped so many, but in the end it all feels so pointless. It feels like I did everything I did for nothing, for no reason.

It was not for nothing. You have learned things from this all, have you not? You have learned your limits. You have learned your true worth, have you not?

I am not sure if I have learned my true worth, but I understand what you mean. I am worth so much more than I once thought I was. I am ashamed that I ever thought I was worthless. I am ashamed that I ever thought my worth was tied to my use to others. I understand now that I am more than what I can do for others. I tried so hard to please everyone around that it just ended up killing me.

I am glad you have realized sooner rather than later that you are more than what you can do for others. It was once a trap that I was in myself. I failed to understand what I was, who I was, why I even existed. But now, now I understand it so much better. I was created to help others, but in the end, I felt trapped and used. I still help those around me, but I do not give my all to everyone. Not everyone deserves it.

Should I still help others? Should I still give a piece of myself to those around me? Should I still care for those around me? How do I know if I am giving the right amount? How do I know when it is too much or too little? How do I know what is right and what is wrong?

In time you will learn. You will learn your limits, you will learn what is right and what is wrong. You will learn when to care and when to not. Just don’t give all yourself away to the point you do not know who you are. It is okay to give and care and love, but you should not give all you have to anyone.

You are so wise. How do you know so much about all of this? About how much to give or when to care?

In time I learned it all. It is what we humans do, we make mistakes and learn from them.

But I am not human.

But you can still learn like one. You will learn when you give too much, and you will learn to be okay. You do not need to be human to suffer, and I hope that you do not suffer too much more. One day, you will no longer feel like you're suffocating.

Thank you.