The Locked Door

Its ironic to mention that my Great Grandmother Faye, the subject in this story, had lived in her modest house since the 1910. A polio epidemic had hit the small town of Wytheville Virginia where she lived in 1916. I wonder if they all had to wear masks?

I can remember not really understanding that she was my mother's father's mother.

She was my Mothers Grandmother and as a child I was keenly aware that she lived alone, she had never been married to my knowledge. She had managed to maintain the house with the help of her son and later my Uncle Jack, She even had a small garden at the back of the property. I will never forget the taste of her home grown tomatoes and the grape juice picked from her own arbor. My sister called her grape juice "Red Wine."

From what I remember I enjoyed being there, I would sit in the front bedroom of her house preening myself in front of a huge round mirror that was part of a 1950s Deco style vanity table. I would go through Faye's things, cheap costume jewelry. a silver hair brush and comb set, scarves. I would imagine Faye putting on her lipstick to go to the beauty parlor. Maybe she was getting ready for a music night listening to Hank Williams? She must have done so many things and seen so much in her life

But I'm her great granddaughter and it was the early 1970s. My mother would take us to Faye's and mother would sleep. Faye would complain about the "visit" and would kind of disappear in my childish mind. I remember the house was old and always smelled of farts and lavender air freshener. I always felt alone in that house, it was scary in a way,

I always felt Faye was lonely too. Her demeanor was distant. What had happened in the life of this woman? Was she married to my mothers Grandfather? Who was he? No one ever mentioned him. No pictures of a husband or a son. I know now her sons name was James but no one spoke of him. My mother never talks about him either. So many questions. How did Faye come to be older and in this situation? She was a locked door

I would like to imagine there was a time when she smiled. Maybe rejoiced over her baby boy with his father. Maybe had some friends and a church family. What happened? I have to mentioned I never saw Faye darken the door of a church. In my mothers wedding pictures she wore a black suit and hat. She had the trappings of life but no evidence of it.

Now that I am getting older I can understand something of a complete surprise. She was a huge influence on me. She surely showed me that good things come from the earth. Although I don't remember ever being in the garden with her, she was a tremendous cook and most of what we had come from her garden. We were never hungry at her house.

She influenced me with her style. I mean an Art Deco bedroom set was pretty pricey and trendy in those days. She was always dressed modestly, and from her collection of hats I learned about good taste.

Man! I would love to know more but she's gone now. I don't think my mother can answer any of these questions. Mother just answers, "I don't want to know."

Before she died I remember my mother complaining about Faye, She would tell me my Great Grandmother wanted someone to "take her up on the mountain and shoot her." I see so much of myself in Faye. She must have been very depressed. I've been depressed before as well, I'm a lot like her in many ways.

I wonder when she was growing up if she have an emotionally distant father. Did that make her so closed off? When she was young did she have inappropriate sexual encounters with a cousin? Was that why she had no partner in life. Did she fall in "love" get married and dumped before she was twenty five? Was that why her demeanor was gruff, Was she promiscuous to the point of embarrassment? Was that why she didn't go to church?

Is that how she became so utterly alone?

I don't know if she accepted Jesus as her personal savior but I really hope so, but still.... I'm a lot like her.

I'm closed off to any friendships at this point in my life. I just can't handle the responsibility. And church? Well I have to say I'm unable to do that too. I haven't prayed about either of those things because I fear the answer. I'm stubborn and spoiled and sometimes unreachable.

I have to say though I was also influenced by knowing what not to do, by both she and my mother. I've heard accounts of their relationship together and they were "pretty tight." Family members recount times my mother was spoiled by her grandmother. Making my mother rather narcistic. Neither Faye or my mother had a stable relationship, mother was married four times. So I learned to seek Gods voice in finding a mate. He led me to my wonderful husband. I learned to try to be giving and honest. Things I still struggle with but will thankfully say, "I'm gaining ground."

The voice in my head is saying that most of all I've learned to have grace. ( I feel guilty for saying bad things about two of the women in my life.) I shouldn't make the influences in my past and the people unforgiveable. I know that I should be thankful for all the things they have shown me good and bad. So maybe I will imagine more good things about my Great Grandmother and her locked door. Possibly I'll open doors of my own.

After all, after I pray, I have a key.