Shadow Work

Nothing truly prepares you for the darkness that closes in after the door closes. I do not remember how long I have been here, I stopped keeping track a long time ago. Once my jailer put me in here, I spent days, weeks and years begging to be let out since I did nothing wrong. The hours I screamed for help made my voice fade and eventually disappear.

I do not even hear anything anymore, I used to hear some scratching and random clangs that seemed to bring me some comfort. Comfort- such a funny word when you are locked away, crazy how certain things feel that way when they are torture. I vaguely remember how my mind felt when I first arrived but most of it has melted away to numbness. I was so scared and disoriented, I felt like I had been thrown into a cold wet cave and as I hit the ground all my body felt as if it shattered. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, I had never done anything wrong in my life! I played by the rules, listened to my parents, and strived to do my best in every aspect of my life! The weirdest part was that it was hard to breathe, in fact it still is, the air felt heavy like my lungs couldn’t suck it in.

As time passed, I grew more accustomed to the darkness, cold, and heavy sadness that comes with this place. I never actually saw who threw me in here and they never actually spoke. If they did I blocked it out, and I never saw anyone else in here either which as I think about it is strange. Not that it mattered really, even if there were others, I doubt I would be able to talk to them.

They say ‘time heals all wounds’, and, in a way, they are right, over time all my physical wounds have healed. My emotionally wounds however are still bleeding, spilling all over my heart as if it had just happened. No one has every visited and no one has ever come looking for me. I was just a child when I was trapped in this place, how could my parents just forget about me! Again, my heart is ripped open, why do I think of such things! Honestly, I spend most of my day, or what I assume is a day, thinking about what I could have been. I had such dreams as a child, to be a teacher or marine biologist, damn what I would give to see the ocean again! Hear the waves and feel the sand between my toes- the pain in my chest is growing strong again but I don’t have any tears left to cry. I had hoped that once I had been here long enough that the pain would subside, but I was fucking wrong I will admit that!

I can’t do this much longer, I have lived on hope for much too long. Hope – stupid hope, I have been lying to myself for so long saying ‘Just one more day’ to make it one more day. But you know what- it is never just one more day- it is hundreds or thousands of days and hours and minutes and seconds of never-ending torment! Wow, the air is so hard to breathe in, maybe this is it maybe I can just let go.

Nope way to easy! In fact, I don’t even sleep anymore, just stare blankly into the darkness which is so inviting. Have you ever really investigated the void? I mean really looked and saw what it has to offer, talk about freedom and calm. It is like being hugged by a best friend- not that I really remember what that feels like, but I imagine it is like this. In fact, the emptiness and I have become great friends. At least what I assume friends would be, I reach out to it, and it ignores me. But I will not be deterred, I reach out every day because you never know when it will finally response.

Wait, do you hear that? I swear I hear chains; huh I have never heard chains before. The door swings open and a soft light pours into the room. There is no way, this must be a trap. I look out and see a beige room with a lady sitting in a huge green chair, smiling at me. Okay I need to act normal so that way I can just slide past her to freedom.

“I think we worked through a lot today, how do you feel?” She says.

I haven’t spoken in so long, will my voice even work? Okay here goes nothing, “I feel free, like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest.’

“That is amazing! Hopefully reaching back into your childhood has unblocked some feelings for you. Now you will need to be aware that you might feel more sensitive now then you use to, just work with your thoughts and feelings- not against them.” She says.

“I completely understand,” I say smiling at her, but I stand up and start moving for the door. If she gets in my way I will not be trapped again.

“See you next week! Drive safe!” She says and looks down.

Now is my chance, I slowly move to the door and open it to a parking lot. The sun is so bright it hurts my eyes and the smell- is that the ocean? I look past the cars and see the beautiful waves crashing over the beach. The tears that hadn’t existed for as long as I can remember come in sobs and I feel the heaviness in my chest again.

I walk to the sand and remove my shoes and socks and feel something besides cold and dark! I can’t believe it; I made it out and this is wonderful! My tears are flowing but these feel different, and the laughter escapes from my body like I had just opened a dam.

I have been sitting here for who knows how long and I don’t care! I will stay here forever if I can. Suddenly, I hear a ringing, and my hand instinctively goes into my pocket and pulls out what I can assume is a phone. I look at the screen, “Mom-ICE” flashes across the screen, my heart starts to rip open again and the air feel heavy… O no! I am being dragged back to my prison; the cold dark sadness is enveloping me again. I am screaming again over and over to please stop and let me go! Why is this happening again? But this time I look up and see my jailer, oddly she looks like me just older than I remember. I hit the floor hard, and I know my agonizing scream shatters what is left of my feelings. I can’t help but laugh now, knowing that the next time she or should I say ‘I’ open the door I will not be dragged back.  After all this time I get it finally, I hadn’t done anything wrong nothing at all! My only crime was being ‘too much’ for the people that said they cared for me. I screwed up letting myself be stuffed back inside because now I know what I have missed, and I won’t miss anymore. After sitting in silence for so long, they will all hear what I need to say.