Dear Sally

   Dear Sally

Suzanne Marsh

Dear Sally,

I am writing to you for advice. I am seventeen and engaged to be married, but now I am pregnant. I do not wish to inform my parents that I am, at least not until I tell my fiancee. This has gotten so complicated, that I don’t know what to do. I am not ready to have a child, but I don’t want an abortion either, that would be murder. I haven’t told my fiancee either, I went to see an OBGYN that a friend of mine used ( she was in the same position I am in). She took me because my fiancee and I created a baby. The question is how do I tell my parents? I thought things through in my addled mind, I am not too concerned with what my mother will say it is my father that concerns me. I did not have the best of people for friends, no one was ever home to watch me. Both of my parents work, I guess you could say I was a “Topsy Child” I basically raised myself.

I was home alone so I found ways to entertain myself. I watched soap operas, that I should not have been watching. Then at the ripe age of sixteen, I met my fiance. We began going steady, and things also became hot and heavy. To be perfectly frank, we experimented and got caught. Now here I am pregnant, he can’t get leave to come home, he wants to marry me, make things right. He has gone to the Red Cross, which in turn went to his commander, he has ten days emergency leave. The problem is I don’t feel ready to marry or have children, I am only seventeen, and we will be married on my eighteenth birthday. I regret being so naive but I can’t do anything about that. I am not even sure I really love him, maybe it is lust instead.

My parents are delighted that we are going to be married. My mother has stopped wanting me to have an abortion. My father is my father. I told them I was pregnant. My mother was easy, I simply showed her the prenatal pills, in the kitchen. Then I told my father who had not spoken to me in two weeks. I know I have messed up my life and his, but I am willing to try to work on things.

We married on the 17^th of October, it was a small wedding, just my parents, his parents and his grandmother, my girlfriend Judy was my maid of honor and his best man was his brother. We went on a short honeymoon to Cooperstown, New York. Upon returning he flew back to Fort Polk. The call came late one afternoon, he had his orders, he had thirty days leave, and then he was to fly to Fort Lewis, Washington, final destination Vietnam. I hated the thought of giving birth without him but the army was not about to budge just because I was upset.

The thirty days flew by so quickly, I sat in the back of my father’s car with him softly sobbing. That only made things harder on the two of us. I was now five months pregnant. My mother began to shop for baby clothes for the baby.

I was still hopping over the hedge row and thinking nothing of it. One morning I awoke, my mother was getting ready to go to work when I felt a gush of water. My mother told me to relax the baby was on its way. She said if I saw a show of blood, to call my father Three o’clock I called, and told my father what was happening. He told me to call the doctor and he would be there as soon as possible. I will never forget that ride as long as I live we went down Sheridan Drive in rush hour traffic at sixty miles an hour. I think my fingernails are still embedded in the armrest of the car. We arrived at the doctor's office. He said nothing was happening, he planned to induce me in the morning. That child had other plans. She was born at 7:33pm. My father went to find my mother to tell her that the baby was there. My mother, being my mother told him: “that is impossible, babies don’t come that quickly.”

My parents went to the nursery to see the child. My mother had the strange idea all babies were born with blond hair and blue eyes. They entered my room my mother somewhat excitedly proclaiming:

“You have a beautiful sun-tanned South American baby.” Two more children followed were also girls.

Things were already falling apart within the marriage. He was never home, he did not want to be home. The final culmination is that I want a divorce, I know he is cheating on me with a woman who lives one mile from us. He has become abusive, physically, mentally, and verbally. What should I do?

Jane in the Middle

Dear Jane in the Middle,

Everything you have written indicates you are doing what is best for you and your children. Abusive men in general are cowards, they can’t face things the way men should face them. Call the abused women's hotline, pack your things and your children's, and leave. You could live with your parents until you can get on your feet. Your children won’t grow up in fear of what could happen next.

You both were so young, to begin with, you grew he did not, if a relationship doesn’t grow, it withers and dies, just as your relationship with your husband did.

Find someone who is the opposite of your husband, do not marry someone who is like him or you will undoubtedly end up in another divorce, that would be a foolish thing to do. Let go of him, don’t allow him to hurt you any longer and most of Jane, find true happiness.

Sally