Heart Smile

The house was at the end of a dead end road with views that looked like a water color painting. The marsh was beautiful with dragonflies dancing over the pockets of water before they disappeared in the bright sky. The sun was magnified this time of day, mid-morning. She could feel the heat through the sunroom window as she sipped her third cup of coffee. She liked her coffee the same color as his eyes. Just a hint of cream swirling through the dark roast. Her love for him was bigger than the sun was bright. Bigger than the moon was round. She was desperate to feel his love again, she just wasn’t sure if he was ever coming back.

He left a few weeks ago after saying he needed to figure things out. Things? What things? What could possibly be more important than their love for each other? She saw the strain in his eyes as he asked for time. She let him go, knowing she didn’t have a choice, and prayed for his return as she sank into a state of depression. Her house was her only mild source of comfort as she waited. It was small but had the best views. She could hear birds in the mornings and bugs at night. Almost every day she walked out to her small dock and fished. Not really because she wanted to catch anything, but because being that close to nature made her feel like she was part of it. She loved watching the clouds turn into the sky, the sky turn into the trees, the trees turn into the water, and the water below her feet. A beautiful setting that most people only dreamed of. The salty air and humid breeze made her think of him, though, and the nights they’d spent together. If she tried hard enough, she could almost hear him cooking in the kitchen. She loved watching him cook. The way he moved from stove to sink, chopping vegetables, seasoning pans, and creating dishes was a highlight of their time together. It was so easy to be with him and go through the motions of every day life. She had no doubt in her mind that they could create a lovely life together.

They weren’t supposed to be together. They fell for each other in secret, eventually leaving their significant others and spending a few months together allowing themselves to completely fall in love. They spent their days together working from her home, cooking and taking walks. Their nights were spent walking on the beach and talking about their dreams. Some with each other, some for themselves. Her dream is to travel, write a book, and fall asleep in his arms every night. His dream is to sport fish, open his own restaurant and show her how much he loves her. They’d walk barefoot, feeling the sand beneath them while the stars watched them fall more and more in love. She wanted to bottle up those moments and keep them for herself. Forever. But eventually she felt him pulling away. She wished she could peak into his thoughts and see his struggles but she knew him well enough now…it was best to give him space.

They agreed at the very beginning to always be honest with each other. With that, sometimes, the honesty caused pain. He told her that he loved her and wanted to make it work, but he needed to move past his former girlfriend, his former life. He had spent three years with her and although they were mostly unhappy years, he did care for her. He needed to work past the old feelings before he could give all of his heart away again. The truth is, she needed time too. She left someone for him too. She knew though, that this was different and it did hurt that he wasn’t so sure. But she let him go with desperation in her breath as she kissed him one last time. She let the tears fall as he walked away. She felt such an odd feeling of thankfulness and heartache all at the same time. He may not ever come back, which would be devastating to her, but she could also go on knowing that she felt true love for the first time in her life. The love that makes your heart smile and makes you feel complete joy. Love that makes the stars dance above you as the electricity between your touch is unlike anything you’ve felt before. 

Weeks went by as she mourned the loss of his touch. She spent every morning dreaming about his hands holding her favorite coffee mug and every night wrapped up in her bed sheets imagining he was tangled up with her. She pictured what could be their life together. Chasing dreams, getting married, starting a family. She was so desperate to hold onto the feelings she had for him as he was out searching for the closure he needed. She tried not to think about exactly what he was doing. What if he went back to his ex? What if he never came back and told her his choice? What if she had to go the rest of the life never feeling his love again? 

Her porch was on the backside of the house, facing the marsh. She watched a crane taking slow, meaningful steps. It never moved without strategy and intentional thoughts. It reminded her of him. He was so sure of this time away to figure things out and she trusted his plan, no matter how desperate she felt to see him again. The sun was beginning to set and the breeze slowed. Her favorite time of day. The stars started to come back out before it was dark, like they always did. It was cool enough for a small blanket but the air still held moisture. The fireflies were putting on a marvelous show as she saw headlights shining beneath the stilts of her home. She closed her eyes and let the tears fill them as she heard footsteps coming up her porch. It was him. They danced to the sound of natures music under the last bit of orange sunset as they held each other, this time never letting go.