Our Crush

WARNING: SLIGHT LANGUAGE USAGE.

Green eyes. They stared at me like I was the only person that they’ve seen in their entire life, and the way that they looked at me was amazing, but something felt wrong.

I knew I shouldn’t like him, I shouldn’t even like him as a person let alone have feelings for him. 

He’s my best friend’s crush. I can’t like him, even though I have for over a year. 

She’s liked him since the sixth grade, how did I even put up with that? The amount of times she’s dragged me through the hallways just so she could see him, how did I deal with it? I forgot about him during the pandemic, throughout the rest of middle school too. Freshman year of high school I saw him again, but I couldn’t remember who he was. I was so stupid. 

What was wrong with me?

Freshman year of high school everything happened. I dropped three of my best friends and I hated myself for it. I had this guy best friend when I was growing up, Matthew. He was the best, but then he turned into a bitch and I never saw him again.

Typical.

I never cried over the girl best friend. Now that I’m thinking about it, she wasn’t really considered my best friend, but he was. I had another guy best friend that was always there for me, but then he started to distance himself. I figured he just needed space, so I gave it to him. Now I’m sixteen, and that space is still there. 

I never talked to him again, not even once. He tried to get back into my life after our first year of finals, but I pushed him away. 

I’m so stupid.

I never cried over her, but him, I cried over him. A lot, almost too much. I don’t even know why. I was so stupid. 

The first time I was in New York after the friendship breakup happened, I went back to the playground where me and one of my New York best friends met for the first time. His name was Akeem. Sure, he’s a pain in the ass, but that’s who he is. It sounds bad, but he’s a really nice person when it comes down to it. He was like the older brother I wanted to have. 

I told him everything that happened, and he threatened to beat my ex best friend up for me, it was hilarious. 

After that, I didn’t have a single thought of any of my ex best friends or crushes, but then sophomore year of high school hit. On the first day of school, the friend that had the same crush as me when we were younger told me she didn’t like him anymore. I was thrilled, not because I liked him too, but because we didn’t let a boy get in the way of us. 

That day was great, but the second day of school was hell. That was the day I saw him. I decided to be early to class that day so I could sit with my friend, but sitting next to my friend, I saw him. I greeted the teacher and went to find a seat, and I felt a pair of eyes on me. It was his eyes, the eyes of the boy that I wasn’t supposed to like, not even as a person. 

I sat on the opposite side of the classroom. It was awkward in a way, I mean, he was my friend’s crush, but this time he was mine too. 

I guess it was fine that he was my crush now, right?

I went to the rest of my classes that day and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Why couldn’t I stop? I had absolutely no trouble forgetting him all of these years, why was he back?

And why did I care? 

I was relieved to get on the bus that day. I told my friend Eve everything. We talked the entire way home and walked after we got off the bus together. I dropped her home and headed to my house, talked with my parents and went to my bedroom. I just remember crying, and the worst thing was that I didn’t even know why I was crying. It was just a crush, just a stupid crush, but if it was so stupid why was I crying so much about it?

Winter break rolled around and I became friends with one of his friends, we shared a class together. For a month, he felt like my best friend, but then he didn’t.

I was so stupid.

The new year started and I still felt the same, nothing changed, and I wanted it to change. My schedule was the same as always: see him, get flustered, not talk to him, and go on about my day. I hated it, but then I didn’t.

I started talking to him, and it was the best. We became friends. His birthday rolled around and I wanted to say something, but we text more than we talk in person, so I didn’t want to bother him.

There had to be a reason he didn’t talk to me in person, right? I thought he didn’t like me enough to talk to me in person, so I started wearing makeup. I started straightening my hair more, and then he started to talk to me more, then I realized something. 

He only started talking to me more once I changed my appearance, which was stupid. 

May rolled around and we became close, but not that close. At one point, I talked to him more than some of my best friends. Why was that?

After my second year of finals, all I wanted was to go home. Once I did, I cleaned my room and started packing. That’s when I found a bracelet, a bracelet I thought I lost. It was red and black, an evil eye bracelet. I bought it when I was eight years old. My New York best friends and I bought the same bracelets in different colors. We called it our friendship bracelets. I lost it in the beginning of sophomore year, I was so happy that I found it. 

It was the best.

I skipped the last two days of school and went to New York. Me and my best friends from New York went out to Albany and spent a week there. I was so ready to have a boy-free summer, a summer without stupid crushes and boys. 

But then something happened, Alex happened. 

He’s one of my New York best friends, I met him when I was nine, at least I thought we were best friends. The first night we all spent in Albany was in a pool. I was the first to leave because I started getting cold. I went back to our hotel room and found Alex behind me. He went back to his room to shower, and I showered in mine. He came back to see me, and tried to kiss me.

And I almost let him.

What was wrong with me? He was one of my best friends, right?

All I remembered was pushing him away and not talking about it. We just acted like nothing happened. The last day of the trip, I told Abby and Jasmine everything. They were the girls I was rooming with, and they were shocked, and so was I.

I didn’t talk to Alex for months. I only started talking back to him a few weeks ago. I never thought I could miss a person so much. We didn’t become a thing, no relationship was found, even though I wanted one.

Why didn’t I have one?

July rolled around and I started to have fun with my life a bit more. I went to parties and had fun, but I also stayed in a lot, but it was worth it, until it wasn’t.

After a night out one day, he texted me. The boy I wasn’t supposed to like. He texted me something stupid, and I laughed at him. I forgot about him for a whole month, I didn’t even realize it at first.

After that, I started our conversations a lot, but then I gave up. I realized if he actually wanted to talk to me, he would start it too sometimes. We talked a lot at the end of August, almost every day to be exact. Once school started, we talked a lot too, until we didn’t.

It felt like he was being forced to talk to me. 

I hated it. I didn’t want to be right, and I still don’t know if I am. I figured that he found another girl, so I stopped talking to him all of the time. Once I did, he thought something was wrong. I didn’t tell him about any of my feelings, I mean why would I?

I wanted to, but why would I? It would ruin everything.

He thought I was mad at him, and I was mad at myself for not letting him in. I just didn’t want to hurt him, or to make him feel like he was a therapist to me.

He was perfect, and I didn’t want to ruin him. He was the perfect combination of shy, cute, smart, and outgoing. I loved it, and I still do.

It’s been over a year since my crush on him started back up again, and I keep telling myself that I need to get rid of it, but I don’t want to. 

Everyday whenever I would walk into class I would see him. The first thing I would see was his eyes. His eyes are so pretty. Those green eyes.

Green eyes. They stared at me like I was the only person that they’ve seen in their entire life, and the way that they looked at me was amazing.