Drama Sad

This story contains themes or mentions of suicide or self harm.

It was New Year's Eve, 2022, and I was sitting at my desk, writing out my New Year's Resolutions. This is a tradition I've had since I was 15 years old. It is a time of reflection on who I had been over the past year and how I want to improve myself. It is a time for critical thought and planning. I took pen to paper and began to think. What was the year 2022 like for me?

2022 had been a bad year. I was unemployed, but I had attempted to start several businesses. All of them failed. I started out doing freelance web design, but my software was archaic and no one wanted that kind of look. I had five clients, and all of them decided to go with someone else for the final product. I didn't even get paid for my work. Next, I tried PC repair, but I didn't get enough interest in the business and had to close the shop after three months. Seems most people will buy a new laptop rather than fix the old one. I tried freelance writing too but sold only one piece. Those businesses all failed because I am unable to stick to anything I start. Resolution number one, stick to everything I start.

Christmas had been a disaster! I had purchased an expensive item for my husband, only to find out he already had it, and I was the one who had given it to him. I was so upset at myself, I was unable to enjoy the holiday. I spent the whole time moping around the house and getting drunk. Then I learned my marriage was failing. In part because I am unable to stick to anything I start, but also because we had recently discovered I am a pathological liar. As you may have guessed, the level of trust I once had with my husband was whittled down to zilch. Resolution number two, stop lying.

I looked around my office space and marveled at how cluttered the room had become. In some corners, there were boxes piled to the ceiling with stuff I no longer had a use for. This was another area of contention in my marriage, my hoarding issues. Resolution number three, go through every box in the office and evaluate each item for its usefulness. If I will still use it, keep it. If I have no use for it, sell it or donate it. If it's garbage, throw it away.

My mind wandered from the task at hand and I found myself looking at my desktop computer games. As I was about to open up one of them, I realized I had been wasting a lot of time over the past year playing mindless games. Resolution number four, delete all video games from my electronic devices.

The games had been interfering with my writing, and I looked sadly at the two novels that sat on my desktop, unfinished. Next to them were three novels I had completed, but never dared to submit to a publisher. Resolution number five, complete the two unfinished novels.

Resolution number six, send out the three completed novels to publishers.

To my left, I saw my reflection in a mirror. Good grief, I've put on weight this year! I estimated I gained about 60 pounds and for me, that is a lot! Time to think of trimming down. Resolution number seven, lose some weight.

I looked at the list. I had reached my lucky number seven. It was now time to start putting these resolutions in motion!

I had folders on my browser containing a list of publishers I thought fit each of the three novels. I had done the work, just couldn't follow through. For each novel I clicked on the link, submitted the story, and poof, that resolution was completed. All three novels were sent out to publishers. I then put a check-mark next to resolution number six.

Both of the unfinished novels needed editing. It is my least favorite task of writing. I copied each story and emailed them to my sister, who has always been a great help in the editing department. Task number five is done.

Now for cleaning up my electronic devices. First, I copied all of my writing and photos onto a thumb drive, then I backed up my computer. At a prompt, I typed “ format c: “ My computer was then wiped clean, ready to be reloaded. I did the same for my phone, making sure I had backups of my contacts and my photos. Done, resolution four is completed and crossed off the list!

I sat back in my chair and stared at the pile of boxes. I don't need anything in any of them. I decided to move each box out into the garage and write on them “donate”. This task took over two hours, but it was worth the effort. When I returned to the office I observed how nice and tidy the room had become. Great, I can now cross off resolution number three. I smiled. I should have done this sooner!

I put away my laptop and removed all the remaining clutter from my desk. I then walked into the kitchen and took one of my husband's brandy glasses as well as a bottle I had been saving for some time. I returned to the office, put on some soft jazz music, and sat down in my desk chair. I stared at the bottle for a few minutes. Slowly, I picked it up, uncorked it, and poured myself a glass of liquid. I raised the glass in the air and said “New year, new me” and threw the liquid down my throat. Quietly I muttered to myself “stick to everything I start, stop lying, and lose some weight. Check, check and check.” It was almost midnight. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two and one. Happy New Year! I put my head down on the desk as the poison did its job.

December 31, 2022 05:56

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