Danny's Thoughts

“I’m older now,” Danny thought, lying in bed. It is 3 in the morning, and Danny can’t sleep. He is up, thinking about this past summer. He was a sleep-away camp head counselor for 14-year-old boys. He had been their counselor for the past two summers, and this summer was the best. The boys had reached their final age of being campers, and with that came natural maturity, and a lot more fun. Later nights, hooking up with girls, a lot more overall perks. This was also Danny’s best summer, or favorite. Danny was the head counselor for these boys, for the whole age group, actually. Thinking about it, Danny loved those boys dearly. Spending two months with them every year, six months total over the last three years, creates a special bond. The boys loved Danny, as well. They looked up to him, wanted to be just like him, and Danny knew it. The kids were Danny’s little entourage, his posse. What Danny loved most about these kids was being able to give them incredible summers, just like those he experienced at this same sleep-away camp when he was their age. Watching his kids cry about having to go home about camp being over, about their great time concluding, always fulfilled his “why do I do this every summer” question. Those kids were all his little brothers, and that was something truly special.

Danny found love at camp this summer. He hooked up with a girl he was friends with from years prior; a pretty, young lady who happened to have gotten prettier over the past year. It started off as a casual fling, but over time it progressed. Danny lived in his own quarters since he was the head counselor of an age group. So, many sleepovers and hangouts progressed their relationship. The two spent significant time together every single day. And towards the end of the summer, he started to realize that he was in love with this girl – and she was in love with him. When the day came where the two had to say goodbye, Danny said this whole wonderful complimentary speech to her, one that was genuine and sentimental, but he left out the most important part. He didn’t tell her he loved her. This is a regret Danny has, thinking in his bed. He wishes he just told her how much he did. She was smart, funny, kind and a joy to be around. She was the best. And they were great together. She would be going on a gap year program the coming year, so a relationship after camp wasn’t really possible. They both knew this. Just like that, two and a half months later, their relationship was over. Pure love, ended by a date. He thinks about her all the time, especially on a night like this.  Maybe she is the one, maybe they will get back together in the future somehow, he likes to think. He misses her dearly, and they still text here and there, but he will never forget that regret.

A fantastic summer it was.

What will come in the following school year – Danny’s second year at university – is partying, drugs and alcohol, and maybe some learning. Danny’s in a popular fraternity, and he does quite well in that environment. Doing well in that environment means exactly what you think it means, doing well at a college fraternity in America. He doesn’t truly love it, but he understands the situation he’s in, and knows how to have fun with it. Completely juxtaposing what he really wanted out of his college experience, a liberal arts setting where he can learn and grow as a person. Danny wants to be a prolific writer after school, and he wanted a school that would accel him in that aspect, and mature him as an individual. As he lies in bed, he thinks how every step forward for him coincides with two steps backwards. He does not want to just get with girls and drink alcohol and hang with the boys and mess up all the time and feel bad about it after and have ultimately no consequences for his actions. He is really worried that’s all he is going to do, though. Danny is a fish out of water that can breathe and walk and talk on land.

Danny wants to write, he wants to express his emotions artistically, and he is in an environment where that type of want is not put on a pedestal. Although he is very excited to go back to school, he is worried, too. He wants to experience life, experience adulthood. He is ready for real life. But he is stuck, in a beautiful, sought out after situation. The grass is always greener for Danny. He wants to find love. Real love. Someone he can pour his whole heart into. Someone he can trust and love to be around. Someone that he feels similar to the girl from this past summer. But he doubts he will find that. His girl’s not there. Maybe he’s too nitpicky, he thinks. Maybe if he would just relax, go with the flow, he would enjoy his time more. It’s weird though. It isn’t like he didn’t enjoy his time last school year because he did. Maybe he focuses too much on the negative. Or maybe he’s a spoiled brat that has no appreciation for how great of a situation he’s in, he thinks.

He comes to a conclusion as he feels his eye lids get heavier. Yes, he is going to party and hook up with girls and have fun this year, but he is also going to prioritize being a good person. He isn’t going to be a scumbag guy that is so highly respected in his school culture – he is going to be a good person, by his standards. He won’t seek out these trivial, short term solutions to his void of meaning. He is going to think big picture. Cool, calm, and collected. He is going to prioritize writing, even though that is something he will find a lack of support in in his environment, he will focus on it regardless, alone. He wants to be great, and he wants to have a great year. He caps off his thought filled night with the idea that if finds the perfect medium between these two extremes, then he will have his perfect year. So that is what he will shoot for, a perfect year.

Danny isn’t sure if he deserves love, or a great year, or to become a great writer. Anyway, it is time for bed. Danny went to sleep today, unsure if he’s ready for moving in to the frat house, tomorrow.