Ugly to Breathtaking

Waking up this morning, I knew I had to do something useful with my only day off this week, I could not let myself just lie around on the couch and feel sorry for myself. I got dressed into some comfortable running shorts, a snug t-shirt, and my newest pair of walking shoes, Nike to be exact. I opened the front door and walked out of the house,into the dewy and damp air and fog, not quite sure where my feet would take me, if they would even move. I ended up walking to the end of a nearby walking trail about a mile from my house, that leads up to a tall and steep mountain. Did I really want to spend the little energy I had climbing a mountain on my only day off, on a random Wednesday? Sitting on top of the mammoth mountain I knew it was worth it right away. I gaze out down and below me, to the scene of the green canopy, birds flying, and I can hear people coming up the trail beneath me. I can hear the laughter and joy as people are reaching their own milestones by climbing this mountain. Listening to people laugh is refreshing to me after dealing with so much pain recently and knowing of the pain to come in the coming months.

Recently my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and it seems as though the world is closing in and around me, to the point where I could no longer seem to breathe. Every day was just a struggle to get out of bed and breathe in and out. I just needed to get out for a hike in the fresh, cool, and crisp air. Ascending up the mountain and finally making it to the top felt like such a triumph! I found a large rock to rest on, one that had been marked by lovers who had made the trip and those just wanting to make their mark and guzzled on some frosty water that had been frozen and was melting on my way up, while gazing around me. Looking down at the tops of the trees and how lush they are, the scent of the fall air, and the sound of families coming up the trail, it was just difficult to imagine that life around me could go on. Back at home, my mom was losing her hair, seemed like strand by strand, fighting for her life; however, here I was, out of breath and sweaty, listening to birds chirping and hearing life go on around me. How can life go on around me when something so life shattering was happening at home?

The changing of the colors, due to fall, was almost parallel to my life. This entire past year, things have changed, just like the seasons have changed. With my mother battling cancer, it just seemed like another change, but could it turn out to be a beautiful change? My bond with my mother has always been strong and unbreakable, but now it just seems to be growing even stronger. How can something so ugly, turn into something so bittersweet and beautiful?

A graceful and alluring cardinal descended and landed on a branch several feet away and just looked at me as if it could read my mind. I have always been told that seeing a cardinal is a sign that a loved one who has passed is nearby and I would like to think it was my Granny wanting to talk to me, to tell me everything will be okay, and wrap her wings around me, just as she did when I needed her when I was much younger, before she passed.

Resting atop of this magnificent mountain that God created has just made me put everything into perspective, how could it not? The world around me is so breathtaking, even if life itself doesn't seem to be as beauteous. The stark red cardinal begins to hop closer to me, sensing that I am in need of comfort and continues to look at me as if looking deep into my soul and seeing the pain inside of me. As it came closer, I could make out its features even more. The bright red of its feathers had a darker tinge to it, while its eyes seemed soft, yet inquisitive cocking its head to the side as it glared up at me. I reach around, into my knapsack and begin to dig around to grab my phone to take a picture, because this moment just couldn't really be happening. It seemed to take forever for me to finger around the crumpled papers, the empty bottles of water before grasping my phone and by the time I swung back around, she was gone. Yes, I said she. I truly believe it was my grandmother who had come to comfort me. I let out a sigh and snap a picture of the red, gold, and yellow view below me and place my phone back into the small pocket of my knapsack.

I start to gather myself, brush off the leaves and dirt that have attached itself to me as I was daydreaming, and sling my empty bottle into my knapsack and throw my knapsack around my back, making way for the next person or family to have their special moment on top of the rock. I start to turn to head back down the trail and I take one last final glance around my shoulder. There is the cardinal, gliding its way back down to the canopy below. A single tear falls from my eye as I know I am not alone on my way down; I will never be alone again. Leaving my home today, I never would have expected to have such a profound moment on top of a mountain. To be honest, I wasn't even sure I wanted to make it to the top, I almost did not want to see the beauty in the world right now, but I sure am glad I made it. I now know that the world can still be so damn breathtaking and bright, even when things in life seem so dark and dismal.