First days.

First Days. 

Tyler stood staring at the pile of clothes on her bed, floor and whicker papasan chair. She was still undecided about what to wear. She ran her hands through her hair wondering if she should have had it cut again. She was spiraling. School started again tomorrow. Her summer had been nonexistent and now it was over. She had waited too long to make all of these decisions. She wasn’t worried about her first day until her best friend Sarah had told her they were moving. With that on top of everything else that had happened, she felt like the last thing holding her together had collapsed. She lost the person who was going to face the dragon with her. She paced her room with a new fervor. The anxiety was tightening around her heart. On the edge of the chaotic mess that was now everything she owned out of the closet and on her floor, she saw something white near her door. She made her way over to it and picked it up. Her name was scrawled on the front in her mom’s handwriting – she would know that handwriting anywhere. Her handwriting had the flow of a flower petal on a breeze. The envelope was tucked in, not sealed. She pulled out the letter. 

To My Beautiful Daughter on her first day of high school:

I don’t know where the time has gone. I can still remember standing in the hallway of our first tiny apartment when I had just discovered that you were coming. Life as I knew it was over – it was never going to be the same again. And at first I thought I would miss my life before you with just your Dad and I on our perpetual honeymoon. The same way I thought I would miss my single life when I told your Dad that I would marry him. But I would never go back to my life without either of you in it. It was if I had always been waiting for both of you to come. And even though he had to leave us earlier than we wanted him to, Dad is never too far to talk to about anything. He’s just a breath away from you. 

I was terrified you were coming.  I was suddenly holding you in my arms and you were more beautiful than I had ever imagined. I was exhausted from eighteen hours of labor but I couldn’t stop looking at you. You cried and I cried because I had no idea what to do next. A little like you may feel now as you get ready for your first day of high school. Parenthood is a lot like that. You spend all of your time being either terrified or grateful, overwhelmed and anxious, blessed and furious with yourself because you know how important it is to do your best because someone is relying on you. 

There’s a few things I want you to know. I know you are probably rolling your eyes but I’m going to tell you anyway. 

Tyler chuckled. Her mom always loved a letter because she was never really good at the face-to-face thing. She always did her best talking and best advice in the car when she didn’t have to look at you when she said things. Tyler had a whole box of her mom’s letters and although she would never tell her, it was one of her favorite things. She hid it in the bottom drawer behind her socks. Tyler swept the pile of clothes from her chair and curled up in her chair to keep reading. 

You know I love you. I thank God he brought you into my life. You’ve taught me so much. In some ways it felt like you were always older than me. Thank you for being patient with me as I learned to be a Mom. I will always be here to listen if you need to tell me something. Anything. We’ll work things out. Whatever you are going through matters to your Dad and me and God. You can talk to us anytime. 

Don’t listen to stupid people who don’t recognize how incredible you are. 

Courage is doing the things that scare you. Never worry about getting it right the first time. 

Don’t put up with men who don’t listen to you. Never play dumb for them. The right one will absolutely love how brilliant you are.  

There are always people who will be better at something than you are. Try not to worry about them. There are always people who will be worse at something than you are. Be patient with them. 

Try not to listen to those who say things to hurt you. Those people never go away. Try to surround yourself with good people and good books. It always pays to have both around you in a tough spot. 

You don’t always need to know what happens next. Sometimes getting lost is an amazing adventure. And the unexpected helps you realize how strong you are.  

The things you say about others always get back to them. Try and make them good things so you are never embarrassed when someone shares something you’ve said with the person you said it about. 

Bumper sticker time: don’t do drugs.  They screw up your mind, your body, and your life. They will push you off this cool path you are on. Alcohol makes you do stupid things. Don’t do stupid things. 

Everyone is worth knowing. Find the reason that they came into your life. And if you need to, let them go right back out again. You don’t need to keep everyone. 

There is joy in things. You can even find joy in calculus. Keep laughing. I love your laugh. 

I think you are beautiful because you always find the best in others. It’s my favorite thing about you. Keep that up. 

It’s possible things won’t work out as you expect them to. But trust God. Everything doesn’t happen for a reason but God will help you find reason for everything that happens. 

Sing. Dance. Laugh. Cry. Travel. Share. Be kinder than you want to be. Forgive. Yourself too. Pray. 

Love your Mom even when she embarrasses you.  Like this letter. 

Good luck tomorrow.

Me 

Tyler carefully folded the letter and slid it back in its envelope and opened her sock drawer to add it to the other treasures. It was her first day of school tomorrow. Her first year without her Dad. She wouldn’t have him to talk to over dinner at the end of the first day. He had only been gone for fifty-two days. She knew how her Mom was hiding how hard it was for her now that everything about her life was different. But Tyler was proud of her for making the hard decisions. She sat down at her desk and pushed her I-pad aside and pulled a piece of paper in front of her and began a letter to her Mom:

To my Fabulous Mom on her first day of her new job…

Tyler felt terrified. And blessed. Overwhelmed and anxious. Grateful. Just like her mom said she would. She would tell her Mom and Dad and God all about it.