Again and Again

It’s been a long day for sweet little Laurie. Her bones were creaking by the time she flopped on her bed. She noticed a strand coming loose from the quilt she had made, and thought she could fix it in the morning. She never did.

Laurie tossed and turned almost all night, but when she finally fell asleep, she appeared to be in a white room. The room made Laurie feel comfortable. There was something about it that was familiar.

“Hello? Is this heaven?”

“No,” said a mysterious purple mass of gas with a dark glittery purple and dark sphere in the center. It didn’t appear to be talking, like a human would, but somehow Laurie knew that thing was speaking to her.

“Who are you? What is this place?”

“This is your amygdala, the place that stores your memories.”

“It’s…empty?”

“That’s correct. You signed up for a program that erased all of your memories, from short term to long term.”

“But I would never do that!”

“Do you really know yourself if you don’t have any memories?”

“I want them back! Give my memories back.”

“There’s a reason you chose to erase them. Are you sure you want to remember?”

Laurie paused for a moment, considering the worst possible scenarios, but the reality was probably better than what she was imagining.

She twirled a section of her white hair in between her fingers, and she said, “I’m sure.”

“The process was airtight, so you’ll have to jump through a few hoops to gain access to your memories.”

“Go ahead, …. What should I call you?”

“You may call me Cobalt.”

“Okay, Cobalt, what’s the first step?”

Cobalt summoned a huge pile of cardboard boxes and photos. It must have been at least six feet high, taller than Cobalt and Laurie. Cobalt floated up to the top most box, and it wrapped around the box, slowly bringing it to the ground in front of Laurie.

“In this box are your memories. They have been converted into picture form for your convenience.”

Laurie ripped open the box, only to find a single photo. It had Laurie and a strange man she now recognized as her husband, Paul, or Paulie, as Laurie liked to call him. They were kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower. Paulie insisted on France for their first anniversary, his parents and grandparents both went to France for their anniversaries, and they expected Paulie to go too. Paulie and Laurie hated every bit of it, but they laughed about it later.

Laurie looked back into the box, and, to her surprise, there was another photo. She tried to find Cobalt so he could explain, but he disappeared. The only thing she could do was to look at the photo, so she did.

The photo had Paulie and her again. It had the two of them standing behind a huge cake that had two candles, reading sixty. In sloppy yellow frosting it said anniversary. She remembered Paulie forced her to write the letters because he didn’t want to be embarrassed by his bad handwriting. Afterwards, he openly made fun of her handwriting, and later this became a joke between him and his whole extended family. Laurie cried the night after her sixtieth anniversary. Paulie didn’t come home that night. When he came back the next morning, he gave her a big bouquet and her favorite chocolates. She forgave him, but she never forgot that moment, that was until she erased her memory.

“Cobalt! Where are you?”

After a few seconds, Cobalt materialized out of thin air. The purple wisps seemed to make the air warmer.

“What’s wrong?”

“Did I have any happy memories with Paulie? Did you erase those too?”

Cobalt brang another box down onto the floor. It was significantly smaller than the other box, and a little bit worn down.

“You can always opt out of this. I won’t force you to remember.”

“I might as well finish what I started.”

Inside this box wasn’t a pic, like Laurie expected. There were some tassels, a cap, and gown, all of which she got for her graduation. Inside the gown was a note from Paulie wishing her well in college. There was also an expired In-N-Out gift card. They would always go after school to chat about their lives. Laurie was reminded of these memories constantly, when she had the memories, because she was holding on to the Paulie that would chat with her for hours. It was only until their sixtieth anniversary she questioned if that Paulie was still there.

“Just rip off the band-aid. What was so bad that I had to erase my memories?”

Cobalt paused for a moment, but eventually they reached in the first, bigger box with an arm shaped gas figure. It took almost all of Cobalt’s gas, but after several minutes of searching, Cobalt got several small pictures, or screenshots.

They detailed the conversations of Laurie finding out Paulie was cheating, and asking to divorce him. In hindsight, Laurie probably could have predicted this would happen, but she didn’t see it then. Laurie sincerely thought that Paulie, despite all his flaws, would stay loyal to her. That was the moment she realized that the Paulie from high school wasn’t the same person as the Paulie who discarded her feelings for his family, who would openly make fun of her, and who would cheat on her.

Laurie put the picture down, which took some time. She kept on lowering it to the ground, then staring at Paulie, and repeating the cycle over and over again. The photo seemed to have her in a deep trance. Some part of her brain was aching for more memories, filling the void of her amygdala. But, another part of her brain begged to stop, it was too much to handle, and the towering boxes of memories only made it worse.

Cobalt floated over to Laurie. “Are you okay?”

“Do you think…I made a good decision? Should I have chosen to remember what I intentionally closed off?”

“Back in the old days, humans were forced to face their emotions. They had to face facts immediately. I think you would have opened those boxes anyway. You, in theory, wanted to face your fears, but in reality, it’s a lot more difficult. But, I think you knew subconsciously that you didn’t want the pain to happen again, so you needed to learn what pain, making it easier to recognize for the future. I think it was a good decision, but I can’t decide that for you.”

“I want to forget. If I come to you again, stop me.”

Cobalt did as Laurie commanded, but Cobalt truly thought they got to Laurie this time. Maybe, if Cobalt outright told Laurie she couldn’t erase her memories again, that would work?

Laurie woke up, for the sixty first time, and she said, like she always did, “Hello? Is this heaven?”