Save Myself

It was supposed to be the shortest night of the year. Still, she felt like darkness clung to the skies for longer than necessary. She has been counting hours (or was it minutes?). Nevertheless, she counted and her counts reached a number higher than the bodies on this shore. Only after it, the sun started to rise. She felt the warmth of the first rays on her shoulders. It felt painful. It felt excoriatingly painful, but she felt alive. 

As if the Sun too, had seen the horrors she went through this night. 

As if the Sun

too, could see the bleeding wounds that covered her. So, it burned her; she

didn’t know whether it was a punishment or a prize. She didn’t know if there

was any difference between them.

Maybe the Moon spoke of me to the Sun. She thought as her knees

buckled. She sat down on the shore, the sea was quietly washing away her blood,

sand turning deep brown. Maybe the Moon

spoke of all of us, and what we did tonight. Of those, I lost tonight. Of those

I hurt tonight.

The trail of her blood led to a place yet not graced by the sunlight, to the darkness that contained ghosts. To blood that run like water and bodies that created mountains. The sun would be surprised by the multitude of it. She hoped the Sun would burn it to dust. 

"This is insanity!! We will never make it!" His voice echoed in her mind, drowning the seagulls and waves. He was wrong; It wasn’t

insane, it was possible. He was right; they didn’t make it. She did.

 Maybe the Moon spoke of him too. Maybe he is up there, next to the rising Sun, waiting for her to rise as well. 

You know he isn’t waiting. A voice deep inside her said. He didn’t want this of you. She closed her eyes.

“You no longer have to fight. Go, be free.” He whispered hoarsely as her hands clung to his, they were the last ones standing, all the sides have perished, all the fighters have lost. His eyes closed but she still whispered. “Freedom is when I am with you,” she kissed his knuckles and laid his hand on his chest, her shaking hands closed his eyes. 

Opening her eyes, she focused on the horizon; the glossy water was turning crimson. The memory of him hurt more than the wounds on her back. She had lost everyone tonight but the loss of him overshadowed everything else. 

Sun was coming up, its bright red rays reflecting over the perfectly still surface of the sea. The Sun was making the sea bleed. She has also made people bleed tonight. Maybe she and the Sun were similar in that way. They both bled and they both burned the ones they loved. Though, her hands had more blood on them than the Sun could ever imagine. Though she has also burned herself for she used to love herself. 

Crimson of the Sun spread further to the sea. I am sorry. She spoke to the Sun. She liked to imagine that the Sun cared, that even though everyone was dead, the Sun was still alive and cared for her. For the last one standing, she hoped, the Sun would have mercy. 

I couldn’t save them. She thought, her tears mixing with the blood on her cheeks. I couldn’t…. She tried to reason, to explain herself to the cosmic entity that was rising over her. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know the exact moment her plan failed, she only knew that screams filled the silence of the night. It was supposed to be a silent operation. 

I failed them. I failed you. She thought and bent her head, asking for forgiveness from the Sun. 

The Sun rose higher. She closed her eyes, basking in the rays of the sun. Her wounds ached, her eyes burned from the warmth, but at least she was still breathing. Unlike many of her comrades, she was still alive. Her heart still pumped blood into her veins, though most of it bled out of her wounds and mixed with the salty water. Not much long now. She thought.  One last sunrise and I will be with you. 

As the Sun’s warmth started to feel like small needles plunging onto her skin she smiled. Finally, I’ll go home. She thought with a sad smile on her face. She had never had a home, though she liked to imagine what it would feel like. To have a home. To have a real-blood family. 

The sun was reaching its peak, the day nearly started, distant noises of a city waking up filled the quiet, she could no longer hear the seagulls, or the waves. Maybe it was her body that was failing, nature never goes quiet. 

She closed her eyes again, remembering him and many others, remembering their journeys, laughs, and fights. Maybe she never had a home, but they proved to be better than any blood family she could wish for. They were tied with many other forms, by betrayals, by excited glances and lights jumping over the knives.  And now they will be tied with their blood, bleeding over the same sand for one last time. 

She opened her eyes and squinted at the Sun. Please, please, take me. She begged. Don’t leave me here when all of them are gone. I cannot bear to live with this burden. She felt the tears drop on her lap. She was still crying, her body still had something left in it to give. 

She lifted her arms towards the sun as if she was a newborn wishing to be cradled by her mother. I failed, mother, but I am still your child. She wanted to cry, her wounds burned as salty water splashed on them. 

The sea was waking up as well, yawning and spreading bigger waves along the shores. She looked at the sun one more time. I couldn’t save them, she spoke it, solidifying the reality of it. But, at least I saved myself.