Today's the Day

 Today’s the day. Today’s the day things are gonna happen — things are bound to change. 34 years and today’s the day.

Monday, 7 in the morning. Shower, coffee, burnt toast, drive to work, small talk, get ignored, work, lunch (ham sandwich, yum!), more work, drive home, pasta and TV. Sleep.

Today’s the day. Tuesday, 7 a.m., coffee and toast, work, go home, sleep. Wednesday, Thursday, then (hurray!) Friday. Saturday’s here. It can’t be the day this day, because I need to unwind and build up my energy for Monday, which will be the day, I can feel it! For now, though, it’s Sunday. Sunday can never be the day. I spent all day Saturday on chores — laundry, cleaning, trash, so on — so Sunday is meant purely for relaxation. Unwind. Let go. It’s Monday.

Not today, not this Monday, I don’t have the energy. You can’t take advantage of ‘the day’ if you don’t have the energy. Everyone knows that. I had a busy weekend, I just want to get through the day, no interactions, no surprises. I’m in my bubble so leave me alone. Lunch is over, I was able to eat alone in my car with no interruptions, it was nice. Back to work!

Just a few more hours, though. A few more hours then I can go home, eat, watch TV, then go to sleep. Just a few more hours.

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New day, new me!

I got some good sleep last night, so I feel ready to take on the day (I didn’t even burn my toast this morning)! I got to work early and it was only me and Dave, so we got to chat a little bit which is always nice. I told him about the time I got caught with booze but then I tripped and broke the bottle and made a huge mess, then they snatched me up and called my parents and — Ah, you know the one, I’ve written about it before. Anyway! I never told Dave that story before (I don’t think). After my story, he told me a story, too! His story was… it was about… I can’t remember, but I think it was a good story.

Dave’s a great listener, though, a really chill dude.

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Wednesday night. I added a little cilantro to my pasta this time, it gives it a nice kick! Anywho, I tried asking Dave about his story, but he seemed pretty busy, so I wasn’t able to pin him down. That’s fine.

Oh! On my ride to work this morning, I heard this new song on the radio. It reminded me a lot of the stuff Kayla always listened to back in school (she had the best taste in music), so I’m gonna try to find it for my playlist. Ah Kayla, I wonder what she’s up to nowadays. It’s been so long.

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I guess she’s engaged. Good for her! I’m sure they’ll have a perfect family. Wait, what’s that sound?… Damn, the faucet’s leaking again. I thought the last guy fixed it. Oh well, I’ll give the landlord a call.

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I was able to catch Dave today. He said he couldn’t remember the story he told, but I feel like he does remember, so I don’t know why he would lie. Whatever, he’s still cool. I’ll ask him again tomorrow and he might remember by then (if he truly forgot).

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Friday, Friday, Friday — haha! Just one more day before I can finally relax!

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I tried to sleep in today, but I woke up even earlier than normal. WHY. Whatever, I have a lot to do today. Laundry, dishes, some sweeping… Oh, and I need to message the landlord, the faucet’s driving me mad!

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The Lord’s day. If I went to church, I would go to church… Should I go to church? I bet there would be a lot of new people I could meet. Maybe someone like — No, never mind. I don’t think they would like my stories there, haha. I was a wild kid, I probably wouldn’t fit in. Never mind.

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Monday. Today’s the day. I mean it this time!

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35 years old and nothing but a few automatic birthday messages from people I hated 20 years ago. Why does no one like me?

Sure, I don’t have muscles, or a handsome face, or confidence. But I’m a good guy! No one gives me a chance. If they just sat down and talked with me, they would see, but they don’t. No one has patience anymore. Dating apps and social media have created this mindset where, if you don’t look like a super model, they’ll never give you a chance. It’s not fair, but that’s life.

I know the perfect woman is out there. Somewhere. She’s someone like Kayla, but nicer and prettier, and she would take the relationship as seriously as I took it, and love me back as much as I loved her… She’s out there, I know it. 8 billion people on this planet, there’s gotta be one, right?

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Monday again — back to the grind, haha. I have a good feeling about today, though, I really do. They hired someone new last Friday, so Blake is supposedly onboarding them today. I don’t really understand why Blake was picked to do it, I’m the most experienced one there — I’ve worked there the longest, I’ve done more than anyone, I know the ins and outs of everything. That’s fine though. I don’t really care that he was chosen for it, it just doesn’t make sense is all.

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The new guy seems cool! I haven’t had the chance to introduce myself yet, but I’ll try to do it today or tomorrow.

A plumber’s scheduled to come check out the faucet next Friday. I hope it’s not the same guy who ‘fixed’ it last time, because he obviously isn’t competent. It’s a leaky faucet, how hard can it be?! He’s probably doing it to scam the landlord. I bet that’s what is going on. What a con!

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The new guy is cool!

I sat with him at lunch and we chatted. I made sure to let him know how things actually work around here — I feel like Blake skipped a lot or didn’t give him the correct info. Either way, he’s all up to date now, thanks to me.

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Big Friday! Finally…

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There’s this new cashier at the grocery store and she’s beautiful. Wow! Really pretty, and she seems nice, and her personality all around seems absolutely perfect.

Ah! But look at me. I’m a nobody. She’s miles out of my league, I’m probably not even justified to look at her, let alone be around her. I bet she saw me. She probably thinks I’m a pig. I hope I didn’t creep her out by looking at her.

I almost went to her register, too, but I’m glad I didn’t. I know I would’ve made a fool of myself and she would’ve felt really creeped out. I don’t know why I even bother sometimes. There are so many guys out there with good looks and confidence, I don’t know why any woman would ever stoop so low to be with a clown like me.

But who are they?! She probably spends so much time getting ready and trying to make herself look pretty, that she forgets what a real human is like. Someone who’s polite and respectful of them, someone who’s genuine. But they don’t want guys like that — No! They hold out for these douchebag types with muscles and ‘daddy’s money’. Guys who only see them for their bodies and not for their character.

Screw them! That’s what I say! They’re all too stupid to appreciate someone like me, someone who works hard for their life, someone who would treat them with respect. But they don’t want men with a heart like me. They want bad boys who only care about themselves.

Screw them!

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The new guy’s an ass. I wanted to chat with him at lunch and he totally blew me off! I asked him why, he said I’m too ‘clingy’.

WTF does that mean!? Clingy?! You mean caring and friendly? I’m the only one that tries to be his friend, everyone else ignores him like they do to me. I know what it feels like to be excluded, I know how he feels. But when I try to include him, then suddenly I’m not good enough? Does he not remember how I did the real onboarding with him when Blake was too self-righteous to do it properly? I went out of my way for that, and this is how I get thanked, huh?

Fine. That’s fine. I don’t want anything to do with him.

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New Monday, new week. Ugh…

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Are you kidding me?!

Blake just got promoted. BLAKE. Why? I’ve worked here longer and harder than anyone, but I never get the credit or recognition I deserve.

Whatever.

I ran out of pasta last night, so I don’t know what I’m gonna eat. I planned on going to the store after work, but habit kicked in and I didn’t remember the plan until I got home. By then, I feel like I wouldn’t have made it to the store before it closed, so why bother?

I have stuff for another ham sandwich, but I just ate one at lunch. I don’t know, I guess I’m not really hungry right now anyway. I’ll just go to bed early today. Yeah. Get some extra rest in, because (call me an optimist) tomorrow has a good feel to it. Maybe that’s a good thing Blake got promoted. It might leave his old position open, open for someone new. Someone like-minded, maybe. Someone who gets me.

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40. The big 4-0… I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone who gets me.

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Monday, 7 a.m.. Toast, coffee, blah blah blah blah blah….

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I saw a movie trailer last night and guess who was in it?… Dave. That guy I used to work with? Yeah, well he’s made it. He’s making something of his life.

Why can’t that happen to me? I work hard, I have dreams, god dammit! Why does no one recognize that? No one ever gives me the chance to show what I’m capable of… But what am I capable of?… Not a lot, I guess. Nothing, actually.

40 years and I have nothing to show for it. If only I could talk to my former self, then I’d tell him to start doing something — ANYTHING. It’s too late now, though. I’m 40 years old, my life is practically set in stone. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Whatever. Wednesday tomorrow. Big day, big day.

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Nope.

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They want nothing to do with me because I have nothing to offer. Big surprise.

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The weekend, finally!

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Monday already?

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TODAY WAS THE DAY!!!!

I met this beautiful woman at the gas station. She has black hair.

I was standing in line when she said something to me (directly to me, no one else but me!). The kicker, though, is that I replied (it was before I had the chance to realize what was happening, so it just came out on its own and I wasn’t nervous at all). I said, “Ain’t that the truth” then she laughed and said, “Yup”.

She then gave me a look and asked what I was up to later. I calmly said I was always open, and she (I’m not even joking), she gave me her number!!!! She wants me to call her!

I’ll have to build up the courage to do it, but I’ll go for it. She’s the one. I can’t let her slip away.

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Thursday. I haven’t called her yet. I almost did last night, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. God, I’m so weak!

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I did it! I texted her and we have a date!

Ok, not a date, but she asked if I could help her move on Sunday and I said yes. It’s a step closer, though!

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…

I did it. I showed up and we chatted a bit. I told her the story about the time I got caught with alcohol back in school, she was really into that story.

Haha, yes!

We couldn’t talk a lot, though, because she had an appointment. Her brother, Thomas, and I finished unloading the moving truck. Thomas was cool, but we didn’t talk much. He’s quiet I guess, but I respect that. Anyway, she was supposed to come back before I took off, but she got caught up in traffic, so I bounced.

God, it feels amazing to have someone to love again!

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WTF!?

We’ve been together 12 days now and she still doesn’t even let me kiss her yet. “It’s not a good time,” she says. “Not now, but later,” she says. Later when???

The best I got was a few hugs, which were amazing, but she always seems hesitant or something. I pour my heart and soul into her. I’ve helped her move, painted a bedroom, helped pay for some furniture, but I guess that’s still not enough! It’s not fair.

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I don’t know why I was so upset yesterday. She invited me to lunch today, so I picked her up and drove her to a nice restaurant. I only had an hour before I had to get back to work, so I only got an appetizer (which was a nice change from a ham sandwich!). We ate and talked a bit. She actually told me how grateful she is for all my help, and she seemed genuine, too.

When I dropped her off, I leaned over for a kiss and she actually did it! Well, not on the lips, but on my cheek. Ah, it felt so good! And the way she smiled afterwards, wow!! I literally cheered out loud on the way back to work, haha. I’m even smiling right now just thinking about it.

She’s a keeper.

I think I’m too hard on her for taking it slow. She might’ve had some sort of bad experience or something that makes her nervous. But I’m not like that, I would never treat a woman that way, especially not her.

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It’s been a week and she hasn’t talked with me. She says that she’s been real busy with work and so she doesn’t have the time to hang out. When it’s not work, she says that she’s really tired and needs some alone time. I get it. I’m just like her in those regards.

You know, I’ve been thinking about it and… Well… I think she’s the one. I do. I really do have this feeling that we’re meant to be together.

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I haven’t seen her in two weeks — she doesn’t even answer my calls anymore. Last I heard, though, she was real sick. I offered to get her anything or do errands or something, but she declined.

I’m really starting to get worried. When I was a child, I got pneumonia and I had to spend a long time in the hospital. I know what it feels like to be sick and basically paralyzed of all interaction capabilities. I really hope she gets better soon, because I feel like I can’t keep the ring a secret too much longer.

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She says she’s still sick and very contagious. I don’t care anymore. I had the whole plan with the amusement park and the Ferris wheel, but they’re already closing down for the winter. It would’ve been more impactful, but I can’t wait any longer. I can’t.

I know she’s contagious, but screw it. I’m going to her house tomorrow. I don’t care if I get sick, I need to show her how I feel. I know she’ll be surprised, haha, but she’ll be so happy to see me again, I know she will. She will.

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I DONT KNOW WHO SHE THINKS I AM. THAT I WOULDNT FIND OUT. ALL IVE DONE FOR HER. ALL IVE DONE. SHE THINKS SHES SO SMART AND SNEAKY. I SHOULDVE KNOWN. IM SO STUPID. STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID

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SHES NOT BETTER THAN ME, NEITHER IS HE. WE ARE ALL WORTHLESS. EVERYONE.

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EVERYTHING IS LAWFUL.

EVERYONE IS MORTAL.

SANCTITY OF LIFE IS A SHAM.

NOTHING MATTERS. NO ONE MATTERS. WE ARE ALL TERMITES FEASTING ON THE SAME LOG AND THAT LOG MUST BURN.

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Monday.

7 in the morning. Today’s the day. Today’s the day.

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