Human Firefly

At night I watched the fireflies glow in the dark from my front porch. During the day I climbed trees keeping the same pace as the boys' speed. I was raised on football fields, playing madden, and shooting nerf guns. I did have my typical girly moments making tea for my Toys R Us stuffed animals but when the boys called “Aster” I knew it was game time! The most important lesson I learned in childhood was to be fearless. How was I supposed to be fearless if being afraid was the only thing I could think about? In middle school I didn’t want to worry about my mom coming home too late or not coming home at all. I also didn’t want to imagine my dad (whom I’ve never met) what his life was like. I fell into my wonderland of music with not a clue of what will happen next. Freshman year is already here? I thought to myself. High school, the war everyone faces but only hundreds come out alive every year, only the graduating class of course. My mom gently yells “Aster five minutes until we have to leave.” I have this feeling that I’m destined to be a journalist and I think about my current situations using captivating lines. Imagine “Aster Alloway is the only one to graduate from her senior class,” headlining a national newspaper. Fifteen minutes and we have arrived ladies and gentlemen, alive and well and wow this high school can house more nuns and monks than students! Why don’t they just live here? As I take a deep breath my mom says “honey just remember what the law of attraction states, stay positive, and also I packed you a couple of mint bark thin chocolates, your favorite.” I tear up, wanting to stay glued to the inside of my car, and say “thank you mom.” I give her a big hug and she tells me “try to find Asher, he always knows how to cheer you up.” I smiled and before I stepped out of my mom's silver Ford Explorer I realized I wasn’t prepared for high school let alone Catholic high school. I took my first step onto Dalheart Serenity High School and after that I woke up in a field of yellow and orange flowers. Even though I'm here I'm also there, at Dalheart Serenity. I see myself in religion class sitting quietly in my white collared shirt with my name in maroon lettering, wearing a grey skirt with a hemline that went right above my knees, and my comfortable unfashionable black Eastland shoes. Everyone has their bibles opened to a passage in red where Jesus was saying something important. I looked up at the boy reading the passage. Milk chocolate brown hair, light brown eyes the color of almonds, and very tall, I wonder what his name is. When he was finished he quietly walked over to my desk and said “can I please borrow a pencil.” I smiled and said “yes” and this was the day I fell in love. From the flower field I laughed at how it was that simple. After class he introduced himself and said his name is Halen. On August 17th I knew I loved Halen and by the way he looked at me I knew he loved me too. September 17th, was one of the best days of my life. Halen asked me to the freshman homecoming. Every year I looked forward to the best day of that year, the day in which Halen would ask me to the school dance. There was always a surprise, a question, and my effortless answer “yes”. Even though it was a surprise I always knew the location because he liked to keep it the same. It wasn’t the place we met but the place he first saw me, right in front of Dalheart’s campus. He always made me walk to the last step and stand on it so he could be beneath me. This allowed him to get on one knee and propose with a jewelry store ring and romantically ask me to be his date. I waited until he asked me to the sophomore dance, then to the junior dance, and then Halen and I stopped talking in every form. He didn’t call, didn’t text, and never looked at me. Fear has a way of suffocating you, grabbing pulling at your throat signifying you can’t breathe because you’re literally choking. The reality about Halen and me is that together I thought we were fearless. The truth is I was always fearless and knew I was capable of being so but instead I shied this idea away. I wanted my path to intertwine with Halen’s but that was only a dream. When people saw Halen and I they saw light, laughs, and happiness. We only allowed people to see the good parts of ourselves. Deep within we both knew we would never make it past high school and questioned if we would even survive high school together. I remember one night it was raining and we were in my loft. We listened to the rain and Netflix but most importantly to each other. Then he kissed me under the covers because I was too scared to kiss above them. When he kissed me it was like the rain became pure gold and magical golden raindrops seeped through the ceiling down into the blankets and fell on our lips. Pure bliss, pure heaven, pure love, and I was able to share it all with Halen. I also remember nights when it was pure chaos, pure lust, full of cheating and lies. I won’t say what either of us did was wrong. It was indeed coming from a place where we both felt pain lingering to be resolved. Every good moment and challenge I had with Halen made me realize I wanted to be a firefly with the same light following a different path. It was September 17th of my senior year. During lunch I went to the front steps of Dalheart Serenity acting as if life was “normal”, sat down, and instead of crying I thought about every memory I could until this very moment. What happened to me? I used to be Aster, the only girl in the boy's group. Aster the one who was strong, but gentle. Aster, the fearless girl. Who am I now? Aster the girl who only has one friend (Asher) but everyone likes her. Aster the girl who forgot how to stand up for herself and goes to the bathroom to cry during breaks. Aster the girl who is afraid. I asked myself what younger Aster would do. I would never run from a problem instead I would solve it. At 7:00 P.M. Halen’s football practice ended. I gave him time to drive home and called at 7:45 P.M. A questioning voice answered the phone. Halen said “Hello?” “Aster, what’s up?” “Halen” I said “why us?” “Why did the universe choose us to pick apart, pull at each other's hearts until we can’t stand to be around each other?” There was a lingering silence at the end of his line. “Aster what’s this all about?'' he said. I said “It’s September 17th today and you weren’t at the front of Dalheart.” “Aster you and I both know Dalheart is better off without our rocky romance” he said with his voice cracking. “Aster I love you, I always have and I always will but we hurt each other the most by staying together”. Tears started to fill my eyes like a newly cleaned fishbowl. “I know Halen,” I said. “I just wanted it to be you. I always thought it would be you,” I said. I could hear him as he tried not to cry “me too Aster, me too.” Aster right now it’s too difficult for me to look at you, talk to you, or think about you. Maybe we can hang out after graduation and I can come over like old times, but just as friends.” I smiled and said “I’d like that Halen.” Even though he couldn’t see me smiling I know he felt it. He said “okay Asteroid until graduation.” I laughed and said “until graduation Halen.” May twentieth, my high school graduation came quicker than a child finishing two scoops of ice cream! Although I did not graduate alone as I walked to receive my diploma I saw Halen whisper chanting “Asteroid Asteroid” which made me only smile and laugh even more. And when Halen’s name was called I did our secret symbol for “I love you” and right before he received his diploma he did it back with his left hand to where only I could see it. Once every graduated senior received their diploma we were met outside by our parents. Halen ran up to me, picked me up and spun me in circles screaming “we did it, we did it!” My parents looked surprised and as he put me down he reached out and shook both of their hands, “Mrs. Alloway, Mr. Alloway it’s nice to see you both. Halen saw his mom waving from the car and said “I’ll see y'all tonight but right now I have to leave and meet family at home.” He lightly punched me and said “later Asteroid.” Once he left dad said “Later Asteroid” in a questionable tone. I looked at my mom and dad and said “Halen and I decided it would be best to not talk until our lives have cooled down. We figured we would be able to handle our situation by graduation, which it is, and we have, and I am so ready to have him back in my life again. If it’s okay I invited him to the graduation party tonight” I said nervously smiling. My parents looked at each other, smiled, looked at me and both said “yes Aster, we would love to have Halen over.” Halen arrived early and brought white roses. He told me they symbolize new beginnings and everlasting love. I smiled, thanked him, and we escaped from the party. We went into the secret tree house inside my house, past my room above my attic but a far enough distance to be away from everyone so we could be together. He took my hand in his and said “you know Asteroid it feels good to be back where I belong and I’ve been waiting for this moment since we ended what we had. Listen Asteroid I remember what you said about wanting our paths to intertwine but we could never make it work. I wanted to find a way and I did. I’ll be going to Yale with you in the Fall.” Before I could feel any emotion or respond to what Halen said I woke up not in a field but in my room. Halen was beside me and I could tell he had been crying. He opened his arms to hug me and kissed me on the forehead. “Asteroid, I've missed you,'' he said.” Too weak to speak I thought to myself I missed you too Halen. All through this dream, this trance state I was in at the flower field I learned that in high school the more power you have makes you ready for any situation, you are completely in control, and the less power you have you are being controlled by someone else. I woke up knowing how to handle every moment, every challenge I would have with everyone for the next four years of my life. The question is will I be a firefly that follows my path or the path everyone else wants me to follow?