Oddworld: Exodus of Paradise

     Odd Love:  Exodus of Paradise

By

          J.M.Taylor IV

Once upon a time in the vastness of the cosmos on a desert planet some distance away known as Omayri lived a desert dweller named Flakierri.  Flakierri was what we would know to be a greenish four-armed frog-like man who for all intents and purposes was just odd to look at. Not exactly a charmer by Earth standards even by cosmic standards his face isn’t all too pleasant to look at. Then again… 

“Hey, writer guy are you going to spend the beginning parts of this story just trashing the way I look? And Flakierri??? When did that become my name? Seriously what gives? When I was first created wasn’t I just a mutant from New Jersey?” 

Yea you were the only problem with that is I was inspired by… Hey, wait a minute we’re getting off-topic look my guy forget that! It’s in the past and you’re a malleable character anyway.  Besides this is a new adventure, you’re still ugly, you got two fancy new arms, and you’re out of Jersey.

”You mean these two scrawny arms I have coming out of my sides? Can my life get any weirder bro? I loved Jersey they have the best pizza…” 

Slow your roll let’s not bring pizza into this.  Who wants to be in Jersey this time of year anyway? It’s cold, no one wants to be there, they still don’t have a football team… baseball team… basketball… The point is; as much as I personally do love Jersey too, you’re not there anymore so deal with it. 

“But…” 

Deal with it.

“I mean…”

Deal-with-it.

“Come on, can I just…”

DEAL! WITH! IT!

“If  you say so…”

Bruh… Moving on, so on a distant PLANET called Omayri lived a creature named Flakierri.

“Why that name though?”

SHUT IT!

“Couldn’t you think of something better?”

Bruh… The music I was listening to stopped playing and I’ve only had one cup of coffee so I mean it was the best I could do. So, as I was saying Flakierri lived on the desert planet known as Omayri.  There he would spend days and nights scavaging for food and making do with what he could find. There’d be days where he fought for his survival against ravenous plant monsters; cactus-like in appearance. Some days there would often be giant reptilian cave-dwelling creatures testing him for their territory.  Other days he’d make do with the desert rat creatures for his meals, but in his loneliness, he’d pass time by naming the rocks he found. 

“Rocks? Loneliness? Seriously am I the only inhabitant on this planet? Why am I fighting plants and eating rat-creatures?”

SCAVAGER! You’re a scavager, your people are nomadic but scarce. Plus, they don’t quite like you…

“Don’t like me? On Earth, when I was a human mutant they didn’t like me, and now on this planet with my alien race of people, and yes I air-quoted that, they don’t like me either?”

I mean yeah, no you’re not really liked.  You’re different by their standards; which are pretty low might I add you know scavagers, and you’re still beautiful impaired.  Lack of grace in the face, spit at the bottom of my shoe ug…

“Don’t finish that I got it, I’m an ugly duckling amongst alligators.”

Which doesn’t exist on that planet, but yes that is a perfect way to describe you. I agree with you 100% on that.  Also, remember you’re not a mutant anymore so you can’t change yourself and there is no beautiful swan moment for you. It’s just not happening.

“Well, turd sausages! Do I have any of my old powers?”

I mean not really, you still have strength on your side which is why you’re pretty darn good at fending for yourself, and those two new arms are freakishly strong so there’s that.  I’d let you teleport, but then I’d have to explain if your race of people can do that which I totally could but I won’t. Anyways Flakierrri, your story today isn’t about your day to day life which sucks, it’s about your trek by stars on this planet that’s a ripoff of a planet amid wars in the stars.  Speaking of which since I’m making it nighttime now to move this story along, the moon should be full at this hour. Why don’t you take a gander and take your mind off this sudden change old chum?

“Let me take a look-see. Oh, golly gee wow, you’re right it is full… Wait why does this planet have a purple moon and a reddish night sky?”

It’s the cosmos just go with it.

“Couldn’t bother to do a little research? Hold up, now that’s a weird shooting star.”

Quick make a wish and make sure you don’t tell me.

“You’re the writer wouldn’t you know?”

Shush make a wish!

“Well ok…”

In a dazzling spectacle of bursting lights on a collision course towards Omayri, the star careened towards some nearby mountains crashing into the sides causing a loud explosion startling Flakierri in the moment of his wish.  

“What in the blue blazing smurf was that?”

That was that supposed star making a sudden impact on your lackluster life.

“Hey! Back on Earth, my life wasn’t so lackluster!”

Yeah, that may be true but news flash you’re not there anymore, live in the now 8-bit live in the now. Why don’t you go investigate? You know swan-dive into the promised land known as an adventure. If you go I promise I’ll give you a nice walking stick and I promise I won’t kill you off. 

“A walking stick? Seriously? At this point, I’ll take what I can get, but you better not go back on your word and kill me just for kicks. You know what? Bet!  I’ll raise the ante you put me in your next book (If you ever stop being lazy and finish it) and I’ll go along with whatever comes next.”

You low down dirty… You know you don’t fit in that st...Okay Okay if you go along with the program I’ll put you in the book I give you my word.

“...and you won’t kill me off?”

Girl Scouts cookies honor, but technically I killed you off when I changed you into this character so it doesn’t really matter, but on with the adventure.  

Grabbing a nearby stick Flankierri trekked towards the mountains where the star crashed.  The trek wasn’t long but upon further inspection, Flankierri deduced the crash site was pretty high on the mountain. Discarding the walking stick Flankierri set upon his ascension towards the fallen star.  It wasn’t an easy climb but having four arms made things less arduous. Though he was growing weary from a lack of food, Flankierri pushed through his hunger to continue his way to the star. Along the way, Flankierri began to feel like wasn’t alone, as if someone or something was watching him.  Not to be deterred from the quest he persevered and pressed on thinking to himself this star better be worth it.  

Suddenly Flankierri began hearing strange noises, something unfamiliar to his travels.  Though he’d climbed mountains in the past, these were new territory for him and he was starting to doubt his odds.  Nevertheless, Flankierri began wanting to see the star regardless of if it meant certain doom. He had begun the climb with the star set as his mission, there no longer was any doubt of wanting to see it through.  With the noises getting closer, he could see the crash site, the rocks began to tremble as he got closer, something was definitely following him.  

“It’s using me as bait isn’t it? It wants me to investigate if it’s a food source it’s definitely going to pounce.”

Flankierri was close to his prize, with the unknown entity behind him, he knew it was now or never to gaze upon the crashed star.  As he grew nearer, and upon pulling himself onto the ledge of the crash gazing with his eyes widened in bewilderment as he was stunned by his discovery.  The star wasn’t a star at all, but a spacecraft of sorts that looked badly damaged. Without letting his guard down, as something didn’t feel right about this Flankierri noticed peculiar marks and strange indentations on the craft.  

“It looks like it was fighting… or attacked by something.  Hopefully whatever is still in one piece because whatever’s behind me is definitely going to make a move.”

Just then some small yet strange, but familiar-looking creatures began climbing out of the crevasses of the crash.

“Are those… cats? How and for why are there cats out here in space much less crawling all over a spaceship? Something’s not right about this, why are they multi-colored in a genetically jacked-up kind of way?”

One of the strange cats caught sight Flankierri, in a curious manner it began making its way towards him.  As if it were trying to lull him into a sense of trust, bond, or friendship the cat began rolling around playful as a wanted Flankierri’s attention.  With a sense that the cat meant no harm, Flankierri leaned forward to pet the odd feline. Out of nowhere the hatch on the spacecraft burst open and out sprung a bloodthirsty and definitely deranged oversized extra mutated ninjitsu tortoise. Quick on the draw, the turtle made short work of the feline that captivated Flankierri’s attention then yelled to him not to trust the cats as they weren’t what they appeared to be.  In a dazzling display of blood-curdling rage, the turtle began shooting at the now demonic-looking radioactive hellcats. Flankierri watched with awe as if the song, “You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate was playing in the background of this melee. Noticing that the odds were against her she tossed Flankierri her rifle as she drew her ax yelling to him to move his ass or she’ll personally rip his limbs off if she dies. As if he were jumped started by the Macho Man, Flankierri summoned up skills from a past life to aid the would-be ninja female turtle. Not too long they found a rhythm in their slashing and blasting, blasting and slashing, but the felines weren’t going down without a fight as they soon revealed they fired lasers from their eyes.  Then to make matters worse the unknown follower or should I say followers made their presence known.  

Black serpent-like creatures arose from the shadows looking particularly hungry with frog-legs and turtle soup on their menu tonight.  

“Wait Pause, aren’t those the aliens from…”

Shut it…

“What were they called again? Xeno…”

Don’t finish that, put to you like this two words COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!  

“Ok??? Well, what about the female ninjitsu tortoise? She’s definitely got my eye but you can’t tell me she’s not a knock off Raph..”

What did I just say? She’s out of my control to tell you the truth, but we had a deal. Stick to the program and let’s make it to that finale.

“If you say so, boss.”

Scene! The black serpents come rushing in looking to make a quick meal out of whatever they can sink their teeth into. Beginning to feel the fatigue of battle, Flankierrri and the ninjette turtle soon found themselves cornered with little options.  Flankierri began this journey with impending doom on his mind, but for some reason. he felt elated by his current predicament even making light of the situation. 

“Cats to the left of me, serpents to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with you! Say my shell of a friend, seeing how this may be the end for us. What might your name be?”

With a slight chuckle, she told Flankierrri her name was Terrapin, Princess Terrapin then with a slight hesitance she returned with the same inquiry of his name.

“Well, Terrapin or should I say Princess Terrapin my name is Fre… I mean Flankierri. Now, I must say Princess meeting you has made me proud to say that name and might I add you’re a damn good fighter with that ax of yours. Seeing how death might be welcoming us soon, I want you to know if these creatures don’t kill me you probably will.”

Hearing that the princess gave him a confused look, but before she could react using his two smaller arms Flankierri grabbed her by her tail and began swinging her around with her ax in tow as if she were an Aara or makeshift flail. Covering more space while fighting off the serpents, and even using the rest of the feline pack as distractions to aid them. If a cat missed a laser shot they were sure to make it count on serpents if the serpents charged at them they were sure to let the felines get taken out. Even with Flankierri grabbing the Princess by her tail she would begrudgingly make sure he wasn’t in harm’s way, likewise, with the tail grabbing Flankierri was sure to keep her safe. With each side dwindling in numbers, victory was in sight Flankierri and Princess Terrapin proved they could function as a team for survival.  With the last kitten fried and the final serpent slashed with a final swing, Flankierri tail spun the Princess into his arms, dipping her before planting a rather messy victory kiss. Just went when it would seem like the moment was for not, Flnakierri blasted a final serpent that was lying in wait. The Princess smacked Flankierri back to his senses berating him; still angry over the tail grabbing before grabbing him and showing him how it’s properly done. The tinder moment would have to wait as they heard a loud rumbling beneath them, something seemed ticked off and there would be hell to pay once it found whoever responsible for the slaughtering of their offspring. Before they had to figure out what was happening out from the depts of the mountain appeared the Queen serpent herself and as they say, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

“Oh wow! That’s Big Mama and she does not look happy with us. So what’s the plan boss? Do I discover a hidden power and help get us out of this mess? Does she have secret weapons? Will she go full ninja on this oversized gorgon? How do we get out of?”

I don’t know.

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

I have no clue, I’m doing this on no coffee homefry and I’m actually pretty tired. Honestly, I was tossing around the idea of ending on a cliffhanger.

“You can’t be serious.”

I put it on my black, I was just thinking about ending it here at Big Mama and calling it a day.  Honestly, it was going to end at the discovery of the star and that was a wrap you know the end. 

“What kind of story is that?”

Yours. Let me be very frankincense and mir about this, this story is loosely based on a painting I got done to represent two individuals being worlds apart and no matter how close they get they’ll never touch or embrace.  Everything else was added to fill in space, and help me reach some sort of jacked-up closure in my life. Yea, though I struggle to put you in a feasible story of your own, you got the next best thing you’re featured on a painting. So guess what? You’re welcome.

“Well damn, thanks.”

Wait it gets better, hold my non-existent beer because you can’t physically do since you’re not actually real… Whatever.  On one random night when I was just meandering through life minding my own business, I happened to notice for the first time in years your hands were touching.  Call it an optical illusion, some stroke of fate, or voodoo (trust and believe I’m leaning on Voodoo) you two fictional characters’ hands were touching. Damn near spit out my Dr. Pepper, the hands that were fated to never touch actually touched.  I was flipping out, doubting my already doubtable sanity. Even skyped a friend who saw your hands moving towards the other, your arm lifting up and touching the Princess or vise versa. Dude tried to get my attention to turn around and witness you two touching hands though I was already well aware because I saw it on my video feed.  After witnessing that, I felt if your love was so strong it could defy reality and say f*** you to physics. Who am I to deny you? I mean to be quite kosher most black folks would have burned this painting, but that was money and seeing that renewed my faith. Then, on the contrary, it probably is just an optical illusion and my bad eyesight coming into play.  Everyone else seeing it I have no excuse for, so via unanimous decision, you get your long overdue story or at least a fraction of it.  

“So, what does that mean???”

Big Mama Queen Serpent burst from the ground in all her female serpent fury ready and able to end the killers of her spawn. She lounged at them before they could react knocking away their weapons, nullifying any chance for an offensive or defensive attack.  With deathly swipes with her razor-sharp knife-like fangs and multiple claws, she wanted to make sure it was understood Mama was playing no games. She dove out at the Princess before burrowing back into the mountain keeping the two would-be lovers guessing when she’d strike next. They tried to make a move towards the weapons again but to no avail as they would be pulled into the ground.  Thinking quickly the princess made a move for her spaceship, but unbeknownst to her Big Mama was already in the shadows waiting for her. Just before Mama could devour her Flankierri pushed the Princess out of the way intercepting the angered mother. Flankierri and the gorgon-like mother wrestled back-and-forth with Flankierri calling back to his past life catching the mother with a Stone Cold Stunner then wrapping her up for a delayed german suplex with the Princess assisting with a flying shining wizard to make double the impact   With Big Mama on spaghetti legs Flankierri hoisted her onto his shoulders in electric chair like fashion as the Princess programmed her ship ram the mother and self-destruct on impact. Suddenly just as the ship rocketed towards the mama, she came two wrapping her tail around Flankierri looking to take him with her as the ship collided into her blowing her to smithereens. Princess Terrapin looked on with shock to see that though the plan had worked it cost the life of her new companion. As red skied started to turn into day, a purple horizon could be seen off into the distance as the sound effect “bamf” could be heard. 

“May she never see nor stop foot onto the glory roads of Valhalla”

Princess Terrapin turned surprised to see her companion had survived the explosion but punched him for scaring her like that stating it’s not proper to scare a lady.  The anger quickly turned to joy as they both embraced realizing the nightmare was over. The Princess told Flankierri that with her ship destroyed a distress signal had been sent and that a rescue party would be coming for her, but in the meantime, she leaned to him wondering if they could sunrise and cuddle.

“I’ve never done that before boss but does this mean it’s over? Will I get a part two? Could this get a full story? I know this kind of rushed and a bit of a hook-up, but could we go further and see where this love goes?”

All depends on life bro, I can’t guarantee you anything.  Maybe people will like this story to warrant a book, maybe I’ll do it anyway for the heck of it, or maybe this is it.  All I know is you’ll have the ugliest kids, so I say this with love live in the now 8-bit love in the now.

The End

(Maybe…)