Lunch

“Are you hungry?”

I squinted after rubbing my eyes for a few seconds but the image in front of me was still all blurry and I didn’t recognise the voice.

“Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?”

A young woman with big pitiful eyes leaned down in front of me asked again.

My mouth was too dry to speak and when I tried to talk my tongue flopped out. I moved my lips around frantically attempting to undo the stickiness and to fight off the sour taste. The young woman forced a smile and laid a bologna sandwich on white bread in plastic wrap in front of me. Then she gently placed a cup of coffee and a blueberry muffin beside the sandwich, squeezed out another thin smile and scurried off.

“Lunch.”

Oh man, I remembered that I had a lunch meeting at 1:00 with the Board of Directors. What time was it now? I raised my left arm up to check my Rolex for the time. It was gone! I was never without my gold Rolex Day-Date strapped to my wrist. I tried to stand up but my legs had fallen asleep and I immediately lost my balance and fell over face first into a pile of newspaper, cardboard, and trash. I just laid there motionless for a bit. I was at a loss.

“Where am I?”

I rolled over and propped myself back up off the ground with my hands. That's when I noticed how filthy they were. Covered in grime. Dirty fingernails.

"I'm going to need a manicure." I stuck my tongue out again.

"I’m going to miss my lunch meeting”, I thought desperately.

“Oh God, what if I’ve already missed it? Where the Hell am I? What happened? Ok, stop. Calm down. Think”, I thought.

“What are the most obvious facts?” I stretched my legs out as I contemplated.

“I am alive. I am a man. I am downtown. My name is Todd, Todd Cooke. I am the CEO of a major company and I have a very important lunch meeting today with the Board at 1:00”, I mumbled to myself, out loud.

I spotted some cheap looking guy in a tacky readymade suit gawking at me chuckling as he walked past.

“Hey! You laughing at me guy?”

Did he steal my watch? Was he working with with the sandwich woman?

I needed to call Rachel, my secretary. Surely she’d know what was going on-she was the last person I remembered seeing. We were together, in the office. I searched my pockets for my phone. Gone. The clothes I was wearing were disgusting and soiled. My normally pristine, tailored grey Tom Ford suit was all rumpled and dirty from top to bottom. My Louboutin oxfords were so scuffed up they looked like a pair of worn out Chuck-Taylors.

“Someone is going to pay, BIG TIME, for this”, I shouted.

"BIG TIME!"

I stood up, slowly so that I wouldn’t fall down again, steadied myself against a building and watched the endless stream of pedestrians walking past me. They looked more like an organised parade of sloppy meat shapes than successful people.

"Losers."

I needed to use a phone. One of these meat shapes should surely recognise my pedigree and the seriousness of my situation.

“Hey, hey buddy... Hey you..... Hey babe, I need to use your phone real quick it’s

URGENT. Hey. I just need to call my secretary.”

I snapped my fingers.

None of them stopped or even looked at me. They all just schlepped along like stupid sheep.

“Can anyone just tell me what time it is?”

Finally, a hipster looking guy with tight pants, a pink knit cap, and a little moustache stopped and said, “yeah it’s 11:35 man”

“Thanks buddy,” I said, “I need to use your phone.”

The hipster guy looked at me blankly.

“Are you hungry? Do you need something to eat”, he asked.

“Hungry? I need a phone. I have an important lunch meeting with the board of directors at 1:00 and someone stole my Rolex and I just need to call Rachel. Get it!?", I shouted.

“Ha ha whatever dude. Take it easy”, he said and he put his headphones back in his ears and casually walked away.

“Phone!”

Smart ass.

I still had plenty of time to make the luncheon- if I could just remember where it was. My brain was still so foggy. I closed my eyes and slapped my forehead. I smacked myself in the face repeatedly until it finally came to me.

“Oh yes of course! We have a private room reserved at Crayon (the upscale French fusion place) for twelve at 1:00”, I shouted.

My legs were still numb so prayed to God that my car was somewhere nearby because I’d certainly never make it anywhere on foot in my present condition. I limped along the street scanning all of the parked cars for mine.

"Where, is , my , car?"

Looking. Looking. Looking.

“Ah-Ha ha ha - there she is.” I spotted my beautiful silver Mercedes parked in front of a meter. The parking space was even paid up for another hour.

Finally a bit of luck.

"I’ll drive back to my luxury top floor apartment, clean myself up, get to Crayon, discuss the revenue, sales, and marketing performance to the board and pitch my new idea."

Then I’d figure out what happened to me and who stole my watch.

“Perfect.”

Except that I couldn’t find my keys anywhere. I pulled all of my pockets inside out. I even pulled my pants down and back up just in case they were tucked into the waistband. I tugged on the drivers side handle thinking that maybe the door would be unlocked and the keys would be inside. But no. Nope. Frustrated. I kicked the door over and over angrily and then I flung myself onto the hood and flailed my arms and legs about violently until I had no energy left. Exhausted, I just laid there looking up at the grey sky panting heavily and moaning. My eyes got too heavy to keep open.

“Are you hungry?”a monotone voice asked.

“What?”

My eyes shot open. Standing in front of me, leaning slightly forward, was a thin well tailored server with a little moustache and a black bow tie.

Elegant.

He said, “well if you’re hungry, and sophisticated, I would recommend the Pate de foie volaille with our clafoutis aux myrtilles and a café aux noisettes. It’s a playful little combination and a personal favourite.” His face was completely expressionless.

I ran my palm over my hair and looked around while rubbing the back of my neck. The server remained motionless with his eyes fixed upon me.

“Yeah, yeah that sounds good. That sounds great”, i stammered. The server bowed his head and whisked himself away into the kitchen. I looked at my wrist. My Rolex showed that the time was 1:12.

“Ha! I made it to lunch.”

“Are you alright Todd?” Harrison Knox, the chairman of the board asked, as he took a sip from his old fashioned. The members of the board were all present, impeccably dressed. They sat motionless and silent, facing me.

Before I could speak the server arrived with my food and placed it in front of me. Harrison was still waiting for an answer. I told him the truth.

“I’m a very important business man, CEO of a major company”, I said.

“Yes”,the board agreed in unison.

“I am very successful”

“Yes that’s true”, they all said, nodding their heads in agreement.

“My secretary Rachel is very efficient and furthermore she is a total hardbody and I’ve been having a sexy affair with her because I myself am very handsome, and it’s very chic.”

“Yes that’s true, she certainly is and you surely are.” The members of the board shook their heads approvingly.

I tucked into my food.

“Shall we start the big meeting?” I asked with my mouth full.

“Yes, lets get down to business and begin the big important business meeting now”, Harrison said. He lit up a cigar and winked at me.

Then I gave a fantastic presentation while I ate. The board was so impressed that they all shook my hand and patted me on the back and I was given a promotion and a raise and I felt like a million bucks, and the food, the food in that place was exquisite....

A young woman and a hipster looking guy wearing a pink cap were sitting next to each other across the street in a coffee shop watching Todd mutter incoherently to himself while eating a bologna sandwich.

“That poor man. I gave him a sandwich and a coffee on my way to class this morning”

Todd was shaking hands with the air.

“Yeah he wanted my phone.”

“He’s always out there. Every day. Wearing those same old dirty clothes. I wonder what his deal is. Like what goes on in his head-who is he talking to. Ya know? I wonder who he was, before he ended up out there.”

The hipster looking guy with the pink hat shrugged.

“I dunno.”

Silence.

The hipster looking guy with the pink cap touched the young woman’s hand.

“I was late to class this morning. I almost just skipped class altogether, I hate statistics. I didn’t even have time to eat breakfast. I’m starving. Are you hungry?”