TW: murder, suicide, drugs

,,Flowers"

Flowers. I always wanted to be as delicate and beautiful as a flower. They're colorful and alive. They’re beautiful and vulnerable and each of them is special. You can give them to someone special and make them happy or you can keep them for yourself to watch how they grow. There's nothing better than the smell that they give.They don’t hurt me like people. I would love to be a flower.I'm sad. I started to comfort myself by taking some substances. It makes me feel like a flower. It makes me forget everything that makes me sad. I want to forget everything that happened. But how? One time I had home. My mom was a lovely woman. She used to make me breakfast everyday and bring it to my bed with a very pretty flower. I loved this routine. I miss that routine. At the time I wasn't sure but now I know I was loved. Now it seems like a dream. I remember my father eating his breakfast very fast just to make it to work. My mom was very angry at him but she still had a smile on her face. Her smile disappeared when dad got fired from his job. He started to drink a lot. He would kill all the flowers that my mom loved so much. But at some point killing flowers wasn't enough. My mom always loved flowers. She would give them to me everyday. When her flowers died all she gave me were tears. She would cry and cry. I couldn't stand it. I did something really, really bad. I wasn't good with guns. My dad would teach me how to shoot as a kid but I missed every target. That day I didn't miss. The bullet killed him. My bullet killed him. I regret nothing. If I could I would do it again. After that my mom gave me a flower and I needed to leave my home. Now I live in some apartment in some city. All I want is to forget. I don't regret doing that but still I would like to get back in time to a moment before that whole cycle started. I would love to go back to my mama. I want to hug her again. I think I need more pills just to kill that feeling in me. I need to kill every emotion. I think I'm pretty drugged. I feel so sad. I see her and him. They're dancing together. I smell flowers. Isn’t that weird? I'm in my apartment and I still smell flowers. I smell them and I see them. They're dancing around me. Everything is good now. Everything is alright. Today’s good, tomorrow won’t be. How to break that cycle. I’m laying on my bed. Will tomorrow be better? Will I break a cycle? How to break it? Pills, pills and pills. That’s all I need right now. I want to eat something. I’m hungry. I’m crying. I want to call someone, but who? I have nobody. I need nobody. I can do it. I closed my eyes for a second and now I’m on the rooftop. Is that how it ends? What will I find on the other side? Will I go to heaven or to hell. Flowers. I want to see some flowers after I die. I want to go to heaven but I don’t deserve it. Will I be happy? There’s so many questions I can’t answer. I want to jump but I can’t. My legs are not letting me to. What should I do? I will just close my eyes again. Maybe I will disappear. I’m in park now. I see flowers, flowers and flowers. I love that. I need to run, something is chasing me but i don’t know what. Is that a devil? Will it kill me or am I already dead? I’m running and running. I’m on my bed again. I never left my bed. How is it possible that after taking 5 pills I’m in different places while laying on my bed? I need more pills. I want more pills. I don’t want to leave my apartment. I’m alone. Who am I? What am I? All I know is that I’m sober. My mind is clear. My life is ending now. I can feel it. You know the feeling before the storm. Before it starts you can kind of feel that it’s going to start. I feel the same way right now. I know I’ll die today. Hah I will die in seconds or minutes. Before I go I want everyone to know that I was a good person. Really all I wanted to be in life was a flower. Hopefully when I die I will be reborn  as a flower. Wish me luck I guess. I wrote the letter to my mom. I hope she’ll forgive me one day. All I want on my grove is a sign R.I.P because I hope someday I will. I regret nothing and I’m pretty happy with how my life turned out. It sounds crazy but I love my life or at least I think my life was meant to end this way. I don’t want to go to heaven or to hell. All I want is  to become a flower after my death. I could give so much joy to people as a flower for sure more than as myself right now. I don’t know if I’m drugged or something but I’ll still jump. I haven’t slept in 3 days. Am I delusional? I’m on the rooftop again. I wonder how fast someone will find me. Is someone going to care or a dead body is a normal thing on the street these days? Now it’s time for my last words. What’ll say right now is very important because the world will never hear anything from me again. All I want to scream to the entire world is ,,Flowers’’. Flowers destroyed my whole life. I destroyed my whole life. In months no one will remember me. I’m invisible. I always was and I’ll always be. Goodbye!