My Grandmothers Violin

My Grandmothers Violin

Angie White

I can still see her face as it lay gently on her violin. Her eyes closed and her expression calm and serene as she played a soft melody that sang to my heart and brought tears to my eyes.

She treasured this violin and I know in her mind’s eye she was seeing her family pre-war as they played together, happy and excited, filled with love and immeasurable joy, all before it came crashing down as four of her brothers headed to war and her sisters and parents worked the land, praying that the boys would return home safe and sound.

She had lived a life of hard work – an honest, salt of the earth life with family at the core and all she ever wanted was those she loved. She was kind and generous and it was comforting to sit in her circle. It felt like home and made me want to curl up and stay there forever.

I longed to tell her how I was feeling – how dark my days were and how I couldn’t shake the anxiousness and fear that followed me like an ever-present shadow, but I knew she wouldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand myself, how on earth would she.

It had come upon me slowly like a dust storm in the distance, until it finally enveloped me and threatened to suffocate me in its darkness, gritty and swirling, pushing me to hide within and fight with the overwhelming desire to end it all. Some days I found myself bunkered down inside and ignoring calls and messages in pure survival mode.

In the outside world no one would have known as I smiled and worked in my office, bright happy and full of life. As honey to the bees, people were drawn to me and I wondered if only they knew how my thoughts were rushing through my head. Would they be shocked, sympathetic,

fearful, judgemental, I just didn’t know, and I never wanted to put it to the test, I kept it all inside and it became a game as I hurried through every day. Somehow, I made it through I don’t know how, but I did.

One foot in front of the other.

I was so glad that I didn’t have a wife or girlfriend in my life as that would have made it even harder and my home sanctuary just another place to act and pretend. My best friend and little mate Tikki, a cocky little fox terrier, followed me around with watchful eyes, coaxing me out of my self-imposed hole with balls and walks and sad eyes. In truth I think he saved me, over and over he saved me.

Each day I would repeat mantra after mantra of “Life’s Good”, “Be grateful” “Another amazing day ahead” and I pondered time after time how I could feel like this when life was so good. I had everything I could want. But nothing came close to shaking the dark cloth that was draped

over me as I felt myself sink deeper and deeper each day.

I’m sure my friends never guessed I was that good of an actor. They just thought I was flat out busy while I was flat out staying alive. I smiled, I worked, I played, and on the inside I died. I wondered why and what I could do to stop this crippling sadness but nothing or no one could make it go away and each day was a day closer to what I saw as my freedom.

Nothing I said to my mind did a thing to convince it otherwise. No motivation could change the thoughts that raced through my mind. No television show, no podcast, no reassurance, no books managed to change my plan. I just wanted peace. The world was too hard for me. I really felt like my death would not affect or worry anyone. They would just all go on with their lives and I would be a blip in their memories. I convinced myself this was real. I knew what my fate would be.

All my life I had worked hard to meet expectations, the pressure was weighing me down and each step I took felt like I had bricks tied to my shoes and although on the outside I seemed light footed and jolly on the inside my shoulders hunched and my mind spun with the thoughts that brought me down and did me in.

I started to plan.

I visited my grandmother and asked her to play for me. Little did she know it was our farewell as she gently played, eyes closed swaying softly side to side, as I recorded her on my phone. I watched her and prayed she would forgive me and that she would understand. I hugged her hard and she looked at me and smiled with her usual sweet way and told me she loved me. I couldn’t look her in the eye as I hugged her and walked away.

I planned the day – the end – I organised everything so that there would

be no loose ends. I fed Tikki and laid with him for a long time rubbing him and thanking him for being my saviour. He seemed to feel my pain and whined as he burrowed into my side and for a minute, I had second thoughts but I knew he would be better off with a happy family as I watched him fall asleep and I moved out of his space to head to my room.

I sat on my bed and looked out the window one last time. The moon was starting to rise, and I smiled at the shadows it threw on the lake in the distance. I said a prayer of thanks and asked for forgiveness from my family and friends. I placed the letter I had written on my side table and I swallowed the bottle of tablets I had been saving for this day.

I slowly sank back onto my bed and while I could I turned on my recording of my Grandmother playing her violin.

And I smiled. As the tears leaked out the side of my eyes. I felt the peace

take over me as I started to finally really and truly sleep. The music followed my journey and I felt myself slipping away.

The soothing sound of the violin filled my mind and I closed my eyes, picturing my grandmother and her beautiful face. I whispered what I couldn’t the last time I saw her. I love you Grandmother”, I said, and I swear before I started to go, I heard her reply “I will always love you my grandson”.

I was finally free. My time was done. I was no more.