Why so hysterical?

A cute woman, eleven o’clock. Not drop-dead gorgeous, but just about good-looking enough. It’s even better that way, the pretty ones are way too confident. This young lady probably wouldn’t go completely unnoticed, but won’t be much in the spotlights either. I bet she’s a bit shy, and fairly easy to charm. Let’s give it a try.

  “Hi gorgeous, why are you sitting here all by yourself? You’re not gonna tell me you only came here to read a book right?”

She seems irritated.

  “I did actually just come here to read my book, nothing wrong with that right?”

What’s with the attitude lady…

  “Well, let me know if you had enough with reading, then you can join me and my friends. I’m sure it won’t be long before men start bothering a pretty lady like you anyway. ”

  “Yeah whatever, I’ll keep that in mind.”

Hard work this one. 

  “Can I offer you a drink so long, to keep you hydrated during your read?”

  “No that’s fine thanks, I really just want to read my book.”

Ugh, never mind.

#

Hey, there she is again, the boring book girl. With a friend this time, even laughing and seemingly enjoying herself. I didn’t think she had it in her. I probably shouldn’t walk up to her again, but I’m not going to lie: I quite like a bit of hard work. In the end, men are like wolves, following a herd of caribou down impassable terrain. You’ve got to wear them out, until one of them stops running away.

  “Hey, long time no see! I see you finished your book.”

She looks surprised.

  “Sorry, but who are you?”

Ouch.

  “We met across the street the other day, remember, when I tried charming you into putting your book down.”

  “Aah, right, yeah I remember”.

  “So how about that drink?”

  “What the hell, why not. You want one too Joyce?”

Bingo, the caribou is on the move.

  “Great, I’ll get us all a bottle of white, what do you say?”

The wolf has started the chase.

  “White wine sounds good.”

She’s wearing quite a daring dress, maybe she isn’t so shy after all. Yet, her smile tells me otherwise.

  “There we go ladies! I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to interrupt, but I couldn’t help noticing you in the crowd. You look great. Cheers ladies!”

She smiles.

  “Sorry, I didn’t catch your name?”

  “It’s Mila, my name is Mila.”

#

Our second date. She doesn’t seem convinced yet, but it’s getting there. She likes hiking, old music, and travelling, and I’ve been pretty convincing that I do too.

  “It’s so awesome to finally meet someone with the same interests Mila, it’s been a while! The last time I properly travelled was actually years ago. I took a backpack and went all across Europe.”

Total lies.

  “Really? Where about did you go?”

Shit.

  “Well, about everywhere like I said haha. I started in Germany and ended in Spain, and stopped about everywhere in between.” 

  “That sounds incredible. I actually did the same in South America recently.”

Great, let’s change the focus back to her. Gives me the opportunity to sound interested as well. Still pretty convincing, if I can say so myself.

  “You are really amazing Mila. Very brave to be travelling the world alone like that. And you even like the same music as me!”

She seems charmed. I bet she’s one of those girls who wants to wait for five dates before taking her panties off. But that’s fine, I’ve got all the time in the world my dear. Perhaps I should call Carly for the night…

  “Thank you for the lovely evening, shall I drop you off at home?”

#

Three months into the relationship, or whatever this is called. Her doubt seems to be slowly ceasing, but she isn’t committed yet. She’s too distracted, too busy with her career.

  “I’m sorry Mila, I didn’t mean to be pushy, I just love spending time with you is all. I had no idea you had plans already when I booked us a table, I’m really sorry. Let me call the restaurant and cancel, easily done!”

  “No worries, I understand, it’s sweet of you. Well, let me see what I can do. Perhaps I can ask my friend to move our plans.”

Sorted. Now, let me quickly find a restaurant where I can still book us a table last minute on a Friday night…

  “You look lovely tonight Mila.”

She does I guess, in her minimalistic way. She surely seems to be enjoying herself, babbling the night away. Her friend had a lucky escape there. Let me try to put in a bit more effort where I can.

  “You know, I actually have a really special relationship with my mum. I truly have so much respect for women you know.”

Yawn.

  “Oh really, that’s nice to hear. In all honesty, I actually have quite a difficult relationship with my mother.”

Mother issues? I seem to have hit the jackpot.

  “I’m really sorry to hear that. Well, it seems to have made you a stronger person!”

#

Six months of us, and I can now confidently say that she’s in love with me. The way she giggles when I shower her with compliments, the way she blushes when I have her meet my friends, and the way she makes little efforts to keep me happy. It’s time to stir things up a little.

  “I’m sorry Mila, but it seems that every time I try to do nice things for you, you have something better to do. You knów I don’t like theatre! Are you purposely going to the theatre now to exclude me from your social life?”

Let’s see.

  “Excuse me? That doesn’t make sense at all. I like theatre, it’s not my fault that you don’t. If you give me that tone again I’ll be out of here Jack, it’s that simple.”

You wish.

  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’ve just been so hurt in the past, I find it hard to trust women. But I do trust you, so I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I’ve just been upset today because my ex has been calling me non-stop. She has done so much damage already, I wish she could just leave me alone.”

She looks upset.

  “Your ex called, really? Why the heck is that still going on?”

Yup, upset it is… good.

  “Honey, I swear it was just today. And I didn’t pick up obviously. Listen, let me make it up to you. How about I take you out for dinner at your favourite Mexican place?”

#

Finally, the moment I’ve been waiting for. She went to buy groceries and left her phone at home. Five-six-three-zero, if I managed to see that correctly. Yes, I did. Let’s do her email first: account, settings, security. There we go: Apple$Tree056. Let’s quickly remove the notification about the new device that just signed in: yes Google, I trust it. Now, let’s get her Facebook password and we’re about done here. Although, I might as well quickly check her WhatsApp while we’re at it. Simon? Who the HELL is Simon? That b*tch. Don’t bring it up tonight, I cannot bring it up tonight, way too obvious.

  “Heey honey, so what did you get us? Ah fantastic, you know I love a good old lasagne!”

Don’t bring it up. Way too obvious. You must be subtle.

  “Thank you so much for making dinner my love, you’re the best. So Mila, I wondered, what’s your plans next week? I was thinking, maybe we can go visit a friend of mine on Tuesday for lunch. Unless you’ve got plans already?”

Not so subtle…

  “Sorry Jack, I’ve got plans already. I’m showing a new colleague of mine around the campus, there’s a science talk that day.”

Ah, a colleague. Well, thanks for letting me know, b*tch.

#

I must admit: she’s incredibly trustworthy. She’s always where she says she is and doesn’t seem to be keeping her options open, for now. Although those two new friends concern me a little, Mark and Sabrina. They’ve been getting along way too well. And now they’re going to some live band in town tonight, spontaneously it seems. I hate spontaneity. Luckily there’s still time.

  “Hi beautiful!”

  “Hey, Jack, what are you doing here?”

  “Sorry to pop by unannounced, but there’s a dinner at Jill’s place tonight, wanna hop on the bike and go there quickly?”

  “Sorry honey I can’t tonight, I’m meeting Mark and Sabrina to see a band.”

  “Oh really, I had no idea. Well, how about I take you back in time to see the band?”

  “Well, if you can drop me off home before 20.00 it’s okay I guess.”

Sure...

  “No problem, let’s go!”

She doesn’t seem to be enjoying herself. Understandably so, the dinner is utmost boring.

  “Jack, it’s 7.30, shall we keep going soon?”

  “Going? Jeez, you are never happy are you? What am I gonna tell my friends, that you’ve got better things to do?”

  “You promised you would take me back Jack.”

  “Yeah well, things change. I’m actually enjoying my time with you Mila, and I’m clearly the only one. I’m so sick of you choosing your friends over me. It’s moments like this that I actually miss my ex, and that’s on you!”

Oh dear, he come the tears...

  “I was looking forward to that concert.”

  “My goodness, are you gonna cry your way out of this again? Why do you always have to be so hysterical? Fine, just go! But I’m staying right here. You can take a freaking taxi.”

  “Never mind Jack, I can’t go out looking like this now can I?”

Good girl.

#

It's that Simon guy again, and some conference they want to go to.

  “That sounds interesting Mila, when are you leaving?”

  “Monday already, so maybe we can do something fun this weekend?”

Monday… we’ll see about that.

  “Sounds great!”

  “Actually, I’m leaving work already, shall I pop by now?”

Shit.

  “Sure honey, the sooner the better!”

I gotta move quick.

  “Samantha, you’re gonna have to gather your belongings and leave.”

  “Really? The girlfriend calls and you just kick me out like that?”

  “Oh come on Sam, you know she can’t find out. She’s way too sensitive. I’ll make it up to you soon, how about dinner at your favourite place on me next time?”

  “Jack, there is something wrong with my car. Can you have a look?”

  “What is it? I’ve told you before, that car is fried, only a garage can solve that.”

  “I don’t have time for a garage! I’m leaving for the conference remember?”

  “Then take a taxi.”

  “It’s a two hour drive! You know I can’t afford that. And my colleague is already waiting. Just have a look at it please? Perhaps it’s just a cable that came loose.”

Well, it’s the alternator, to be exact...

  “Mila, why do you always have to make your problem mý problem! Why don’t you just ask that Simon guy, now that you’re getting along so well.”

  “Please don’t do this Jack, I really want to go to the conference.”

  “I’m sure you do. That’s what I’m here for isn’t it? You just use me!”

Oh dear, here comes the anxiety again... perhaps I should be a bit easier on her.

  “Let me guess Mila, you’re gonna ask me to lend you my car now? So you can pick up your new freaking boyfriend?”

  “Never mind Jack, can you please just help me tow the car to a garage?”

  “I told you that car is fríed, they won’t be able to fix it in time.”

  “Well, can’t we at least try?”

  “Mila, I’m sick of being used. Solve your own problems.”

  “So what do you suggest I do then?”

Let’s ignore her, that’ll drive her mad.

  “Jack?”

Yup, it does.

  “I’m not using you Jack, I’m asking for simple help for God’s sake.”

Let’s wait a bit longer.

  “Jack?!”

It’s a full blown panic attack now.

  “For crying out load Jack! Never mind!”

Let’s wait just a little while longer…

#

Another party that neither of us want to attend. It’s good to see that she’ll give into anything I ask of her these days. You’ve gotta wear them down, they eventually stop fighting back.

  “Hey Jack, Mila seems to not be doing so well, do you know what’s going on?”

  “Yes, she’s suffering from quite a bit of anxiety lately. I try helping her, but it sometimes feels like she doesn’t want to be helped you know. She’s drinking way too much as well, I told her that’s no good for her.”

  “I'm sorry, that’s such a pity to hear. But yes, she definitely mustn’t drink when she’s anxious.”

  “I know right, it makes them hysterical. It actually drove us apart in all honesty. But I still want to be a supportive friend to her.”

  “That’s really great of you Jack, you’re such a good guy.”

  “Thanks Rosie. Maybe we should meet for drinks soon, what do you say?”

  “Hey Mila, why don’t you cheer up a bit will you? People are starting to notice your behaviour is off.”

  “Well, Jack, are they also noticing that you’ve been flirting with Samantha the whole night?”

  “Oh come on, as if I would éver date a woman like Samantha. Way too skinny for my taste.”

  “That’s a mean thing to say. Then how about we tell our friends about that girl that rocked up at your house to fetch her jacket?”

  “Jesus Mila, you wanna bring that up now? Always picking a fight when I try to enjoy myself, isn’t it? Perhaps you should stop drinking so much wine! It’s embarrassing actually. You knów that that girl was just a friend. You’re acting crazy, just like your mother!”

#

I’ve noticed that she has turned from WhatsApp to Messenger lately, and that she has changed her Facebook password. Is she suspecting something? The messages also make it appear that she’s looking for a way out. But there is no way out, she must know that by now.

  “Hi honey, how about I take you out for dinner at your favourite place tonight?”

  “Jack, you still owe me 1500 euros, where are you going to pay that from?”

  “I am just trying to be nice Mila, never mind.”

  “Jack, I really need that money back, I want to save up for a new car.”

Sigh.

  “Well I don’t have that kind of money now, you’re gonna have to wait.”

  “Jack, it was yóur garage that messed up my car. The least you can do is pay me back my own money?”

I don’t need this in my life right now, let’s just hang up the phone.

#

  “Jack, I figured it out.”

Now what.

  “Figured what out? What is your problem this time?”

She’s shaking.

  “It’s Google. You hacked into my freaking Google Account.”

Shit.

  “Haha, yeah right. Do you know how hard that is?”

  “Jack, I’ve got print-screens of your computer logged into my account.”

Shit shit shit.

  “Your imagination is running away with you Mila.”

  “Do you know how I found out? My colleague, she asked me why I didn’t respond to important emails. Now what emails could those be Jack?”

Not subtle enough.

  “Mila, I really don’t feel like this. You can take your drama elsewhere.”

  “Jack, I wrote a story. You should read it, and then leave me alone for good, before anyone else gets to read it.”

B*tch.

  “How about I don’t want to read your stupid stories Mila! You’re acting crazy.”

  “It’s called Why So Hysterical.”

Why so hysterical?