Reasons to Live

(TW – depression, suicidal thoughts)

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Reasons to not kill myself – Dec 22, 1981

1.  It would ruin Christmas for my family.

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Reasons to not kill myself – Dec 23, 1981

1.  It would destroy my mother.

Even though I once told my mother I was considering killing myself and she didn’t take me seriously, it is still the only reason I can think of to not actually do it. It would destroy her. And she doesn’t deserve that. It does seem a bit pointless to stay alive for the sole purpose of another person who doesn’t even realize it. It’s something to think about.

2. Find a second reason.

If I am going to stay alive for my mother then I need to find another reason as well. Something. Anything. Now I have an assignment. A to do list. Find another reason. I have the next few days off from school. I will find a reason. 

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Reasons to not kill myself – Dec 24, 1981

1.  Scott called. He wants to see me tonight. Said he has a Christmas gift for me. It’s been months since we broke up. What does this mean? I have a reason to at least stay alive today to see what he wants. If he breaks my heart again I don’t know if I can take it. But he sounded nice on the phone, so I’ll see what he wants. I do miss him.

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Reasons to not kill myself – Dec 25, 1981

1.  It’s Christmas Day. Is that a reason or just a fact? 

2. My grandparents are here. All four of them. Two from Brooklyn, two from the Bronx. They traveled here by subway and bus to stay for the next few days. They are so old they scare me when they look at me from behind those thick glasses. I know they love me, and I can imagine their hands holding mine even when it’s not happening. Do they know they are very old? Are they scared? Were my grandmothers just like me when they were seventeen? It's hard to imagine. Maybe I will ask them.

3. Ask Grandma Suzie and Grandma Rose what they were like as seventeen year olds. Suddenly it’s important to know. 

4.  Find a better hiding place for this list. If my grandmas found it they would be very sad. 

5.  I saw Scott last night. He gave me a gold bracelet. He said wear it or don’t wear it, but he wants me to know he still loves me. I keep it in my pocket but so far I haven’t worn it. Maybe soon. 

6.  My list is getting longer. Maybe making this list is a good thing.

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Reasons to live – Dec 26, 1981

1.  I changed the name of my list. I couldn’t bear putting that title down on paper again. I’m feeling a bit more optimistic today. Is it because Christmas is over? The approaching holiday always makes me depressed. Not sure why. I have to explore this to maybe prevent this from happening again next year. 

2.  I put the bracelet on. Mom noticed it right away and smiled. She said it’s always nice to get presents and to enjoy it. Maybe she’s right. I can take it at face value and try not to overthink it. See where it goes. It does make me happy to wear it.

3.  I’m going to speak with my grandmas today after dinner about their teenage years. Mom says she wants to join us and will make a special pot of coffee for us girls. I think that’s kinda cute that she’s excited. I feel happy about this.

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Reasons to live - Dec 27, 1981

1.  I have a BIG project! My two grandmas and I stayed up for hours talking about being seventeen. My mom was really into it also and talked about a magazine she thought I would like to read called Seventeen. I was more interested in my grandmas’ stories than that, but she did give us a great idea. We are going to write a story, maybe an article, maybe a novella or maybe a book!! All about being seventeen from three generations perspectives. I actually can’t wait.

2.  I’m seeing Scott for New Years Eve. I don’t know how I feel about this. I will tell him about the project and if he’s excited about it I will have my answer that he’s a good guy for me. If he acts like he doesn’t give a shit I don’t know. Maybe it will be time to move on. For good.

3.  I feel a bit down that the grandmas went back to the city, but we promised to meet again in a month. I will have my outline done and they each promised me a list of ideas. They wanted to know if I like lists. I laughed so hard thinking of this one. I might take those first few pages and burn them or shred them or I might keep them to remember that when I get depressed to just hold on it will get better. 

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Reasons to not be depressed - Dec 28, 1981

1.  I see I get depressed when the holidays arrive. It’s a few days before New Years Eve and I am getting that feeling again. I am going to take the rest of the day to relax, walk, read and just be. I know the feeling will pass. I have a lot of things I am looking forward to, so I won’t let one down day put too many big thoughts into my head. Maybe I’ll listen to some really loud music and dance up a storm in front of the mirror. Ha ha. Hope no ones takes a picture. That reminds me. The grandmas called. They each have old photos for the project. Old black and white photos. I can’t wait to see them. They are going to put them in the mail for me. I’ll check the mailbox in a few days.

2.  I told Scott about the project. He said it sounds cool and asked to read it when it’s done. I think that was a pretty good response. I’ll let him read a little bit before giving him the whole thing to read. Kinda get his reaction. 

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Reasons to stay upbeat – Dec 29, 1981

1.  It’s raining hard today. All gray and depressing. Feeling the downward spiral coming at me strong. Trying hard to fight it. Trying not to lose.

2.  Maybe I should talk to my mom about this. It’s getting hard to handle on my own. I will say something tomorrow if it doesn’t pass. 

3.  Or even today. Maybe I will say something now.

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Reasons to be happy – Dec 30, 1981

1.  Mom was really cool listening about my depression. She said she gets down also from time to time. She is going to teach me how to cook some new dishes because sometimes diet can help. We are also going to start running together, maybe we can even make it around the track at the high school. I’m ready to try! I’m glad she wants to help me. 

2.  I decided not to burn or shred my first few pages of this list. Maybe I’ll have a kid one day and it will help her. Or maybe I’ll put it in the book I’m writing with my grandmas. Or maybe I’ll just keep it for myself. For when I need to read it all again. Who knows.