Can’t let go

My heart is broken. Truly shattered. I know how to love and I loved until I got hurt. It could have just been a fight. I was though standing on a precipice pushed to edge.  I pushed everything that had troubled me away inside. Like boulders that increased their  load , grinding down and pushing until I was stood there on the edge. Staring it felt into the abyss I asked for one thing from you, what it was in some ways is  irrelevant, it was what it represented to me. When you are obsessing over the small things, it means there is something bigger than  that is catching up, speeding up. I was trying to avoid. 

It caught up with me, and I didn’t know that everything was alright as that part had failed to reach me. The happy ending, the safety was not in sight.  I asked for some help on something that meant so much to me. I am not even sure why it did , except it was something that I felt I ought to get right. I couldn’t trust myself anymore, and I put my trust in you. When I looked across at you, I wanted so much to believe in you, and to rely on you.

 Your words said the thing that I wanted to hear. In you body though something alarmed, and it set of panic as you were sat there sending me signals that all was not alright. I kept asking and asking about  I wanted, and you said yes. Asking if it was okay, whether you were sure you would be okay doing what I needed help with. I trusted you, then you did the exact opposite of what I asked, you did what I said would really bother me. Then you showed me what you had written and laughed at my distress. You didn’t care about my pain, you didn’t care that you hurt me. 

It hit me  on a deeper level and the force of the years gave way, and fell over the edge and broke into a thousand pieces. I wondered about in the night feeling so alone with the desolate landscape so far from home, with the bubbling mud pool, and the steam. I screamed silently, I numbed myself with drugs, I curled up in ball, I screamed loudly when I saw you for you to get away from me. I couldn’t hurt you as I loved you, so I hurt myself.

Shattered and fragmented I didn’t know what was going on. I couldn’t see you for who you were. You were everyman from my history, from all history that had betrayed my trust, that had promised solemnly not to hurt me, then did the very thing you said you wouldn’t, then laughed in my face. You laughed at my hurt, and distress. You got pleasure from my pain, and I felt so small. 

I tried to forget, I did in some way forget and on those days I loved you, we went on beautiful walks and romantic meals. Then came the anger at my own betrayal as I couldn’t let it go what you had done. At the end you goaded me, as you seemed like you wanted a fight, for me to break down, as you had settled on a role of rescuer, until that finally  exhausted you.  I looked for signs that you were  not to be trusted again, and I found them, sometimes questioning. None the less you had failed to prove yourself as someone I could count on. Your words meant a lot until they didn’t. I didn’t know what to believe. 

You didn’t care, it was all my fault, and  now I was behaving like the dysfunctional one, the playbook was writing itself and I would be the loser, the scapegoat, and in the  end discarded with disdain. Why couldn’t I hold it together, and why can’t I let go. I pushed you away as I needed to work out what was going on with myself, become whole again, without any confusion. I didn’t want to hurt you, to see you as something you weren’t. I wanted to see clearly, and that was only possible with you out of the picture. I was told to leave you, to ask you to go, that I shouldn’t go back. People acted like it was dangerous for me, you were dangerous, so I thought it was. That wasn’t true. You just couldn’t speak out and felt you had to agree to what I wanted, then a part of you would rebel and  do what I didn’t want. Then you would deny. It wasn’t true. We were behaving like children. You were not evil, terrible, or dangerous. I believed those that said I should go, make you go, and not return. I ached and wanted you back. 

You didn’t believe in me anymore, had no confidence it me. It crushed, tore at my heart. I wanted to build things back. We stayed together by a thread, and you reeled me in. You said again the things I wanted to hear, this time it felt real. I started to melt, and soften, and love and care for you. You made me dinners, showed me the stars in the night sky and talked about us living together, I should move in with you. I thought you wanted to repair things, I thought you wanted me. All along I was being strung along, and played. To you I was ending, to finish  off with no drama, with fake niceness, and platitudes,  so you could be free of me. It felt so real. Your love felt special and real, when it was a lie. It was nothing, and I was nothing to you, except something from your past to be left.  How could it feel so real, when I meant nothing to you, that you walked away with a shrug, and a hollowness that said your nothing to me.

I can’t let go, and I can’t let go,  as I want to believe in you, and if I let go of that, then I feel I will let go of the love I felt was real. I don’t want to let go of love. I feel it, and see it on every corner. I sense it, I hear it, I lie down waiting for it and long for it. I don’t want to let go of you. I want you back, I want your words to be true, and I want to believe in you. I will wait for you.