THE CURSE OF LIFE

TW: suicide, mental health.

The train suddenly stopped followed by the loud sound of the emergency brake. I look over the window only to realize that we were in the middle of a poppies field. To my horror, it meant that we didn't even reach the second stop of the 4 hours and half trip to Rhode Island. I certainly wasn't in a hurry considering I haven't visited my family in the last two years, but being trapped in the middle of nowhere wasn't exactly my idea of how to stall more time to avoid the big reunion. The conductor of the train arrived shortly after the unexpected stop to inform us that it might take two hours of delay. Enough time for me to rethink my whole plan, but too much time for me to be on the road with a bunch of strangers. The sweaty smell, the crying babies, and the heat weren't helping me with my migraine either. I took the liberty to call this situation an emergency cigarette and I dropped off the train. 

"Isn't this beautiful?" a guy says mimicking my vice.

"Fresh country air and poppies, the perfect gateway if you ask me" he continued.

Guess what no one asked, I wanted to reply, but I figured it would be more convenient to pretend I didn't hear him. But lucky me, he wasn't taking the hint.

"What's your name you blissful ignorance"?

I still don't respond.

"I know sign language. I said earlier that is beautiful here." 

And indeed, he knew the sign language, sort of. He morphed his hands into a word translator of what he was saying. 

"You are doing it wrong, you know. Instead of saying beautiful, you just called this place damp."

"My bad, the company I used to work for signed me up in some sign language lessons to assist a new colleague. Unfortunately, I wasn't the best student."

"I don't care."

"Why do you know the sign language?"

"You don't care."

"I do, otherwise why would I ask you? I am Lawrence by the way."

His persistence fueled my social anxiety, all I wanted was to have a peaceful moment with the only thing I want and shouldn't, meaning my cigarette, but his dimple smile and big brown eyes were clueless about the migraine I have. I lit up another cigarette, answering him.

"My best friend was deaf and her world was so much simpler, so I joined her."

"Lucky friend."

"Yeah, she died by drowning when we were 10."

"Not so lucky friend. What is your name again, I didn't catch it the first time."

      Those goddamn dimples. He knew exactly what he was doing, if it weren't for the circumstances I currently was in, I would`'ve found him attractive, and might even say yes in case he would ask me out. But I am in no place to want to date or even dare to like someone. He would be just another headache.

"Rosaly." 

"Nice to meet you, Rosaly. Now I understand why the train stopped. We were bound to meet. I am seated at 3C, you?"

"I am seated at leave me alone and never talk to me again. Thank you for your time."

He found my response amusing as a chuckle escaped his lips revealing a warm smile. I finish my cigarette elsewhere, somewhere where are not lots of people endearing in conversations and fake pleasantries just to kill time. Having enough sun and nicotine, I found my way back to my seat only to stop when I notice weird movements in the poppies field. Something or someone was struggling to get up maybe? I couldn't tell exactly what was happening, but there weren't other people around and the movements only became frantic. I look for my former seated neighbors to ask for help, but they dismissed me immediately.

      Approaching the field, I see a dark figure fighting something. Just great, why can't I mind my own business, the only thing I want is to be involved in some physical altercation. Cautiously, I approached the person who was tackling someone. 

      "Do you like that, huh? Do you like it? Who's a nasty boy?"

      Nasty boy? What on earth did I walk on to? And the baby voice doesn't help either. Oh God, I hope I am not witnessing some sort of pedophile moment. Alarmed, I grab the nearest rock I found and hit the person in the head. A bark stops me from doing more.

He screams. I scream. 

"Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you?!"

"Dimple guy? What are you doing here?"

"What I am doing? Why on earth would you hit me? Am I bleeding? My head hurts so bad."

"You know, you shouldn't tackle dogs like that," I say.

"Tackle dogs? I was playing with him. Look at his face, isn't he the cutest?"

"You should be more careful. Some may think that you are a pedophile."

"Pedophile? Do my dimples make you think that I am one? I heard that. Dimple guy, huh?"

I roll my eyes. I look at the bone of contention who has big dark eyes covered by a white chunk of hair with a single black spot, on top of his head. The size of the animal was concerning, whoever would see it, would say it resembled a gigantic panda bear. In the back of our weird encounter, I hear the trains' horn, the one usually foreshadows its departure. I look at the train to see trailing it off. The train is leaving. With me not on it. 

"No, no. Wait! Stop the train! I run as fast as I could and I scream to stop the train."

"Wait. Stop the train." But no one saw how desperate I was.

"You. It's just your fault. You and your monkey dog. How could you not notice that is leaving?

"I am sorry, but after I've got myself with a concoction, I wasn't quite concerned about the train."

"Why aren't you freaking out? We've lost the train."

"I didn't, actually I never I was on the train."

"What do you mean you weren't on the train? You said you were seated at 3C."

"About that, I lied. I only said that to make you think that the Universe stopped the train for us to meet."

"Are you serious? The Universe?" 

"Don't be mad."

"It's easy for you to say. I just lost my train, ugh they said it's going to be 2 hours of delay, and probably they fixed it sooner but I was busy with a wacko and his dog."

"He's not my dog. I just found him. He was probably abandoned here. His name is Noock. Noock meet Rosaly."

Two pairs of big puppy eyes were trying to melt my death scrutiny. But I wasn't having it. The day couldn't be more atrocious. I had to go see my family even though it was the last thing I want. Nana doesn't deserve to be ignored and forgotten because of others' ignorance. Besides, that ninety years old woman can be persuasive and frightening at the same time.

"I left all of my stuff on the train, my luggage, and my.."

But I stopped mid-sentence, he doesn't have to know I forgot my phone on the train. He is not right in his goddamn mind. So who knows what could happen? If I thought that train's delay was the highlight of the day I couldn't be more wrong. No phone and no train to get me there. I have to walk to the next train stop and maybe I will catch the next one, that is before I try to get a hold of my belongings. Hopefully no one stoles them, but considering my luck of today, I can only assume that they are already gone by now.

I turn my back on him and follow the railway. Once I get to the train station I will check for the last and found and get the next train. Nevertheless, I will arrive way later than I should, but at this point, there is nothing I can do. After a few minutes of walking, Noock the panda dog, jumped on me making me fall.

"Stop licking my face. It's not cute. Bad dog." I say.

"He likes you."

"Great, now you are stalking me?"

"Not at all. I am going back to my car."

"Your car is parked in the middle of the field near the railway?"

"Yes. Do you need a drive? I am headed to Rhode Island." 

"Hell no. You might seem nice and all that, but I am not going anywhere with you. You could be a psycho."

"I am not a psycho. Tho, if I would be, you shouldn't have said that. It would make me go all serial killer on you." He smiled mischievously at me and then started to evil laugh.

"You're sick. Did you know that?"

"Yes, I know. But my offer is still available. It would take at least one hour and a half to get to the next stop and if you are going to Rhode Island, the next train it's at 6 P.M. So more likely you will arrive around 10 P.M; if we take my car, we'll be there in less than four hours. My car is right about there. There it is my precious possession.

A red old Pontiac was indeed parked in the middle of a road hidden between the red flowers. As suspicious as it is, he is right. It will take forever to get home.

"I don't trust you. And I already sent some text messages to my friends and family about what happened, so don't you get all Jeffrey Dahmer on me." I lied. And the rock I banged his head with is in my pocket, but he doesn't have to know that.

"I promise you are safe with me. Besides, Noock will protect you, his coming with us." 

The sun's glowing on his face and his dark curls give him a boyish look, and for some reason, I don't feel like I am in any danger so I agree.

Most of the drive lacks conversation only the humming noise of a broken radio fills the space between us. His demeanor changed from all sunny and funny to serious and absentminded.

"So are you from Rhode Island too?" I found myself asking.

"Yes, born and raised in Newport. What about you?"

"Not Newport, but Providence. I had to move a few years ago because of college."

"What are you studying?"

"Human genes."

"Smart. I work in a coffee shop. Are you visiting your family for the summer break?"

"I wish it was the case, but honestly I came back for my Nana. She practically raised me and she guilt-tripped me to come for her ninety-first anniversary, I already missed the ninety milestones"

"Why?"

"Due to some family inconveniences, I didn't come home for two years."

"Family inconveniences?"

"For the rest of the world, I'm the one who slept with her sister's boyfriend."

"And the truth?"

It was refreshing to have one person who's not assuming the worst of me so the truth left my lips easier than I thought.

"I didn't know he used to date my sister. I just dated a couple of times this guy only to find that he was my sister's ex. But she told our family I slept with him so they cut me off immediately. When in reality they were broken up and he slept with me to get revenge on my sister who cheated on him. My parents tried to apologize, but it was too late. Besides my Nana, no one believed me the first time."

"That's harsh."

"Yeah, but it is what it is. Do you have any dark secrets I should know about?" I only meant that as a joke, what came next definitely surprised me.

"I killed someone."

"Oh no no no. I knew I shouldn't come. I told you not to go all Jeffrey Dahmer on me."

"I am not. Just kidding I guess."

He didn't seem amused and neither did I.

"Yeah, joking casually about killing someone is so reassuring. Thanks."

"Sort of, I mean I was driving when an accident happened and someone died that day."

"Was it your fault?" I ask.

"No. He was drunk and got on the opposite lane."

"So you didn't kill him".

"But I did."

"I am not following, why would you say you killed that person when it's obvious he was the one who caused the accident in the first place?"

"I thought a lot about it. I firmly believe we are responsible for one's death in our lifetime. Just think for a minute, some way or another we have to pay a price to live, and that price is someone else's life. I was behind that wheel, I was responsible for this man's death even though the law says it was'`t my fault, still, it was me who killed this man."

Silence.

"Does that make any sense to you?"

"No."

"What if we set in motion someone else's death because we all are some butterflies of death?

"Butterflies of death? As in the butterfly effect only as in causing somebody to die?"

"Exactly. If it wasn't for me to be at the wrong time and place, he wouldn't have crashed. He lost control of the vehicle and turned the wheel so he bumped into a tree to avoid me. What if he was all alone?

"But he was on the opposite lane, you said he was drunk. It was his fault. It was his drinking, and his immaturity to understand that recklessness has consequences that brought him dead.

"True, but he was the fuel and I was the match that set him on fire. At some point we all are responsible for someone's death, you can be the one who kills a person or make some decision that in the end can lead someone to their death. Domino effect." 

I couldn't argue with him on this matter. He was consumed by guilt that he forgot how to live. I believe that happens when you let your feelings get to you. All the problems and situations we encounter awaken in us all sorts of emotions, if you are not cautious enough, it can eat you alive. Like Lawrence right here.

"Wait. Why were you in the middle of nowhere?" I ask him.

"Just to clear my head I guess"

"I don't believe you."

"You are a caring person despite what you show to the world. Using sarcasm to hide your pure soul. Good armor."

"Don't make this about me. Why were you in the field?"

He smiles at me. It was the most excruciating answer he could give me. The serendipity of his smile and the shininess of his eyes hide the somber truth behind his silence. The guilt got the worst of him. If depression had a face, his would've been the sneakiest one.

"I was there for all the wrong reasons for you, and for all the right reasons for me."

I stared at him, his admission was plummeting any sort of hope that one could have about life.

"But then you happened. I saw in you a loneliness that called me. It mirrored mine perfectly, the same feeling, different faces." He continues saying.

"That's why you said we were bound to meet."

"I guess."

"Your theory about life and death it's.."

"Concerning?" he laughs, but it`'s nothing humorous about it.

"That too, but to think we are responsible for someone's death at some point in our lives, is just sad. We have no control over death, it happens with or without our involvement. It`'s the kind of thought that can suck the life out of you. But life, you have control over it." I said in the hope he won't destroy his soul.

"You know what, just forget it. It`'s a beautiful summer day and we are heading to your family to show them who's the real queen."

"We?"

"Yes milady, I don't know about the rest, but I am more than sure we were meant to meet. So Happy Birthday Nana."

I laugh for the first time I met him. No matter what demons he's hiding, his smile can light up the whole room. Despite my skepticism, now I want to make sure he knows that. None of us in this world are free from the lurking venomous voices in our heads, but isn't it beautiful when we find someone who can hold our hands in the dark? We relax under the colorful dawn with Robie Williams singing in the background. The heaviness of sorrow of life and death evaporates through laughs and whispers of hope. We gazed into each other's eyes at the red light stop, sharing smiles with not a care in the world, but the bubble we wrapped ourselves in exploded under a crash sound. One minute we were savoring the present and in the next one paramedics were asking me not to fall asleep. 

"What happened? Where am I?"

"You are going to be fine Miss. You just suffered a car accident. `We'll take you to the hospital, okay?"

"Car accident? My friend… he was driving. Is he alright?"

"I'm afraid he didn't make it."

My heart throbbed in my ribcage with violent force. He can't be dead. It's my fault. If he had not met me, he wouldn't have died.