Forgive to forget

We were both sitting at the cold wooden bench together. The wind was breezy, and the sun was setting. Honestly I missed these moments. We used to have so many of them, but they seemed to get farther and farther away the more that time passed. We were both quiet, especially since we haven’t talked for so long. Its been about 3 or 4 years… I can’t quite remember. Especially since I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to fix it, I wanted to say sorry, but I was afraid it was too far gone. And I knew it wasn’t even my fault. It was her fault. After all, she was the one who walked out. How was she? Did she even think about me after all these years? I don’t know the answer to anything. She always told everything to me, but after all this time, she didn’t seem to care about saying a word to me. A lot has changed anyway. 

After all this time, it seemed clear she wanted nothing to do with me, but I couldn’t mind texting her. I remember after the time she left me, she would just never respond. She would never even respond to me. It broke my heart even more. Knowing that she didn’t care about me, that she moved on so easily. She told me I was everything to her. Where is my best friend now? I didn’t see my best friend in her, she seemed different. She was different. I missed her. I still couldn’t move on from her, because she was all I needed. I kept all of my secrets, happiness, and sadness with her. I still had that crusty and flimsy picture of us at the zone, on my old coffee table in the middle of the living room. I remember how she said that we were done, and she never wanted to be my best friend ever again. I wanted to ask why, why did she ditch me after years of friendship? It's been a while now, but wounds don’t change. And they never will. Tears dripped down my frail face, as I stared at the blinding sun. She didn’t seem to care, but she was so different towards me years ago. Whenever I went outside, I saw her as the sun. She was my light. She was my heart. When she left, everything was gone for me. The sun seemed quite a bit dim. I didn’t bother to move from our apartment, because either way I would be hung up over her. I looked down at my black jeans that still fit me after 4 years.

“Remember when we got those matching necklaces?” I asked her, looking up into her green eyes. They haven’t seemed to change at all. But she definitely did. She has changed so much in her heart, I can barely recognize the loving, courageous, beautiful person she used to be. The beautiful person that my best friend used to be. I wanted to cough up all my tears, tell her how much I miss being with her, having all of those fun times. Tell her how much I missed her.  She never seemed like she did. But I didn’t want what she had become either way. Maybe she didn’t care. She stared at the sun. 

“I moved on, but it seemed you didn’t. It's the past” she said, not even bothering to look at me. Tears continued to slide down my face, onto my jeans, soaking up every last part of my sadness. 

“Why? After all this time of being together, why did you leave me? What did I do wrong?” I asked her, solemnly, I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t give up till she told me why. I couldn’t be all alone. My whole family gave up on me. They moved far away, and didn’t even tell me where. They cut all contact with me. They told me I couldn’t rely on them anymore. We used to be such good friends, we had barely any differences, we could work everything out, but she just threw us in the trash. She acted like it meant nothing. But deep inside, I knew it meant something. Because after all, we were best friends. At the end of the day, we both told each other we WOULD do anything for eachother. 

“Do I have to repeat this again? You’re an introvert, I'm an extrovert, and you’re not good enough.” She said forcefully. I looked down at my hands again. I opened my palm, as I stared into the shiny, beautiful, and blue crystal. It was the matching necklace we used to have. 

“But we were such good friends” 

“We just aren’t good friends! Besides, I have, and had, better friends than you” She said, getting up from the bench. I heard the wood creak slowly and suddenly stop. We just stared at each other for a full second. The whole park was silent. The wind whistled and whispered. I didn’t know what to say. All I could think of is, I thought she cared for me. I thought I was… more than enough. But i’m not I guess. I just wish I was enough for her, why didn’t she tell me? I could fix myself. She could help me, she always helped me! Was it that? That I was incompetent, unable to do anything? Probably. The fact that she didn’t care to tell me, and instead stay silent for all the years we’ve been besties, it just hurt me more. I CAN FIX MYSELF. But instead she walks out on me, and I message her day and night, trying to get her to meet me. Trying to ask her what was wrong with me. The tears dripping down my face didn’t help a thing. It just made her more certain I was nothing that mattered, because she didn’t help me. She saw me as an unrevivable piece of junk, at the side of the road. Trash. Why did she even tell me I was her best friend, when she didn’t care for me? I wish she told me the truth. I wish she told me what she thought, the truth. That I was junk. But she instead, she told me we were best friends, and left. She just left.

Memories rushed back. Cherry popsicles, movie night, sleepovers, lollipops, and most of all, us. We mattered. We mattered like nothing else did. It was genuine, it was real, or it seemed like it. I guess you were fake all along, from the beginning. In my eyes, there was nothing better than us. She just left, she just said that we didn’t matter. She said that it was all fake. And she walked out on me. I used to think it was forever and forever, the happiness, but now, I just wish I knew why she didn’t like me enough. I wish I knew what happened to her. How can I fix it? She always says she’s not perfect, and she doesn’t want me fixing her. That was a day before she walked out on me. I told her she’s all I need,and she didn’t say it back. Instead she stared at the shiny blue matching necklace in her hand. She looked up at me and back at her necklace. She cocked her head right to left, looking for something. She walked over to a small flower and kneeled down, as her old black leggings hit the grass, she crouched around the little white flower. It looked old, worn out, but you seemed to remember, relate, to it like no other flower on the field. She frowned for a full second, like she was mourning for the flower, like it was too old to be as shiny and beautiful as the other roses and daisies on the plains. She shot a look at me, and then looked back at the flower, starting to form a wide, very happy and excited smile.

“It's beautiful. Its like… you” 

She told me. I grinned. She lifted her leg and touched a petal of the weak, flimsy flower, about to break. The sky was bright, full of clouds and the shiny sun. That was one of the times that I thought I would be happy, and with her forever. No. 

It didn’t matter that I was an introvert, and she was an extrovert, what mattered is that we were best friends, and she pushed me away, like I didn’t matter to her. There is nothing that could match our friendship, there is nothing that could match how much I cared for her. And yet, she pushes me away, knowing that deep down inside, and on the outside, it would be never ending pain. For eternity. I didn’t know what would hurt more. Losing her, or knowing that I was never enough for her. I never mattered enough. I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand. I looked down at my right hand, on my knee. In my tears I could see the hours I sat on the floor crying, on the blue rug, in the apartment that we’ve had for as long as I could remember. How I looked at the picture of us on the wall every single day, every single hour. I just wish she cared. I just wished she was back. 

But then I notice, I'm not worthy of your almighty, important approval. Why am I like this?? I’m never enough. I’m never enough to make a change, I am never enough to matter. It's like that one time we were in our apartment at night. She asked me if she mattered to anyone. I told her yes. And when I asked her… she told me I could matter. But I knew I didn’t. I knew I wouldn’t. I would never be able to twist and change the truth enough to be satisfied with myself. After all, I never know what to do. I rely on everyone, and I just can’t just do something alone for once. If I do, I seem to always wander to someone for guidance, help. I feel like many others suffer with the same feeling, the same roadblock,  but really, do they? I’ve never met a depressed soul like mine is. Depressed that I'm not enough, depressed that everyone is better, depressed that I can’t do anything by myself, yet I still wonder why I'm not enough. I fiddle around with my finger, as she leaves farther and farther from the bench. Like always, I'm at a loss of the correct words. I’m in loss of happiness, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I am still sitting there, but I know I have to. I know I have to wait. I continue to fiddle around with my finger, then digging my dull nail into my finger, waiting for something to come to me. I bend my finger, up down, up down and repeat. I trace my veins on my hand, still waiting. I frown. Nothing. She gets farther and farther away from me, almost reaching the sidewalk. My tears start drying up on my hands, evaporating into the sunset, as I sit there, waiting for her to turn around. She doesn’t. Instead she continues slowly walking, step by step, like she’s waiting for me. I watch her closely as she steps onto the sidewalk. She stops at a halt for a moment, and turns around. She taps her black louis vuitton bag, in a rhythm. She scratches the back of her neck, in an attempt to make her dry skin feel better. She lifted her foot, and then put it down. She seemed to be hesitating whether she should come back or not. I just sat at the bench, waiting for her. I told myself, eventually she’ll come around. But I knew, if she doesn’t, I'll probably never see her again. But wasn’t it worth the wait? 

She stood there awkwardly. She lifted her leg, like she was going to walk towards me, but then she put it back down skeptically. I almost got teary. Then she seemed to have an answer. She stopped tapping her Louis Vuitton bag, and looked up at me. 

“I’m sorry” She mouthed to me. Something, like a roadblock, in my heart cleared. I nodded my head, solemnly. I sent a fake smile towards her. She turns around and continues walking. And this time, I don’t wait for her to turn around. And I stare into the sunset. A few moments later I look at the sidewalk and I don’t seem to see her anymore. I guess she walked away. I guess she left. But it was like my heart was full again. It was like I could move on. I smiled, as the sun went down. Then I grabbed my sweater and got up from the bench. I wrapped my pink sweater with flowers on it around me, as a warm sensation, a shiver, went through my body. I felt complete again. Like I felt when I was younger, before I met her. I sighed. I closed my eyes and took a moment to appreciate the spring breeze all around me, the smell of the fresh blooming flowers, and the laughs of happy, loving children. I smiled, again, after such a long time, I was finally free from my cage. Finally, I'm happy.  

*THREE YEARS LATER* 

I was standing in the same park, but this time, it was being taken down. It was being reconstructed into a hotel. Since our home: Edinburgh, Scotland was such a beautiful place, tourist visits are blowing up, so hotels are being constructed everywhere. This time, it was the afternoon and the sun was blocked by a barricade of clouds. And this time, I was married to the man I loved, and had two lovely kids. A boy and a girl. Whenever I saw them, I couldn’t help but smile. They are my sun, they are my heart, and they mean everything to me. I can’t believe how much has changed since 3 years ago. I’ve moved on, and the picture of my best friend and I is in the garage. Put away. Sometimes, there are some things you have to forget to move on, to be happy, to be free. And for me it was my best friend. I looked down to my children and they looked up to me. I smiled. I held their fragile, soft hands, as we walked home, cherishing the last of this beautiful park. I'll never stop remembering how many beautiful, amazing memories I've had in this place. I’ll always smile at the thought that my children will have a new life. That they won’t waste it, getting hung over something in the past like I did. But atleast i’m happy now. It's never too late. I guess I have to forgive to forget.