Life As I Knew It

The high pitched alarm pierced through the silence, interrupting my less than peaceful slumber. I woke with a start as I scanned my unfamiliar surroundings. It was then that the gnawing ache returned to the pit of my stomach as I remembered what had happened the night before.

“Everyday?” I had asked him, stupidly repeating the answer he had just given me, in utter disbelief. How could the man I thought I knew, the man I loved, and who I thought loved me, made time every day to be with another woman?

I reached over to silence the pinging melody that had continued. Twenty-seven missed calls. Most from him. A few from my mother, undoubtedly wondering where I had ended up for the night after calling her in tears.

The tears came again then, heavy and effortless. The ones that fall when your heart is truly broken, when you are truly broken. Almost in synchronicity, rain pelted the sliding glass window to the bare bones hotel room. The small section where the curtain didn’t quite cover the window gave way to the perilous storm that brewed outside. Thunder boomed, and the wind whipped the rain almost sideways, and I cried until I had nothing left.

I sat up to use the restroom and to splash some cold water over my face in an effort to make myself feel even just a little bit better. I couldn’t help but replay the last few months over and over in my head. Things had felt off, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. He was in a bad mood more often than he wasn’t, and anytime I had asked, he said he was fine. 

He grew more distant and agitated and that was when the gut feelings began and the random, terrible thoughts started to occur. 

“He’s been falling asleep on the couch and saying he sleeps better down there. Do you think it’s an excuse and he’s really talking to someone else?”

“He’s been working late a lot these past few weeks? Do you think he really was behind with work?”

I pushed the thoughts down. Thinking of how ridiculous I was being. I knew my husband. He was the most loyal man, almost to a default. He would do anything for me without fail. That was something I knew deep in my heart. So I ignored those feelings. 

That only made them grow louder. That was when I started trying to find proof. Anything to tell me that what I was feeling wasn’t just in my head. So I started with the most obvious thing, the cell phone bill. I was able to look through and see who he had been texting and calling for the last few months. Nothing seemed glaringly obvious at first, and a number or two came up a bit but nothing was setting off alarm bells quite yet. 

So I waited. I waited until it felt like my heart and my stomach would separate themselves from me if I didn’t get to the bottom of things. If I didn't figure it out and tell them what exactly was wrong. If I couldn’t get the strange heavy feeling that had taken over my home to leave.

And that was when I put it all together. I looked at the phone bill another time. The same number appeared again and again. He was calling and talking to someone on the way home from work everyday. He was texting during the day, just like he used to with me before it became just short half responses that left me feeling like he was angry or else not that interested in what I had to say.

I knew I had to confront him. I couldn’t have waited a day longer if I had tried.

“Who did you call on the way home from work yesterday?” I asked.

“On my way to work? Nobody,” was the reply.

“No,” I said, getting irritated “on your way home, At 5:30 p.m."

“A co-worker,” he said. It became obvious he wasn’t going to be saying more than he needed to say and the look in his eyes looked almost…fearful.

“A female co-worker?” I dared to question as my heart pounded, threatening to beat right out of my chest.

“Yes,” He confirmed.

The rest of the conversation seemed blurry, yet one thing was clear. My marriage as I knew it was over. 

He had been unhappy for some time now and rather than let me in on that little caveat, he decided to air his grievances to a female co-worker who, shockingly, was having troubles in her relationship too. 

I felt like I was in a sinking ship that was pummeling at warp speed down into the depths of a deep ocean. I felt like I was never going to be able to breathe again. So I left. I drove, and screamed, and cried until I had to pull over because I could barely see the road in front of me. 

After talking to my mother and letting her know through gasping breaths, the awful turn my life had taken, and after assuring her that I was safe, I proceeded to the nearest hotel room. 

I wasn’t certain how long I was going to stay here. The only thing I knew was that I could not go home. There was no way that I was going to be able to stay in that house or to see that man that had betrayed me in the worst way possible. 

I had neglected to bring my charger and a few other necessities in my hasty exit, but there was a store within walking distance that I could go to get one for the time being.

I gazed at myself in the mirror. I looked awful. The dark circles under my eyes made me look like I hadn't slept in a week. My hair looked dull and my skin was pale. It was just as well, I felt like I was dying. At least my outside seemed to match the way I felt inside.

My whole world had been ripped right out from under me. Everything I thought that I knew, shattered beyond recognition. Nothing made sense anymore. What was I going to do?

I pulled my tangled auburn hair into a quick top knot and made my way into the hallway toward the elevators. The down button illuminated when pressed and the doors to the left opened with one other guest still inside, waiting to descend the rest of the way.

“Good morning,” she politely said.

“Morning,” I replied, with a half smile that I hoped would end the conversation.

Blessedly, we rode the rest of the way down without words and I headed to the double doors to leave the hotel and head to the store for my most needed items. 

The rain was still falling. My heart was still sinking. But I was still breathing. I lifted the hood of my sweatshirt over my head and started toward the parking lot, not knowing what would become of my life from here on out. The only thing that I knew for certain, the storm had just begun.