It's So Hard To Say Goodbye

Dear Triton,

You were like a painted image of sunsets and autumn leaves scattered upon the brook. I loved you from first look.

You are a memory of straddling multiple genres. You squeezed the truth out of me without even having to lay down my thoughts on a blank page. You offered me forty lines without even having to add a new journal to the forty notebooks in my bin that have piled up since the fourth grade. We took flight like a soaring eagle from day one and we have been a chorus of love ever since.

It was us versus the world. Your presence was more calming than a romantic dance on the waves of the sea. You were my clam chowder when the world was like clams all around me.

I can see with fresh eyes that it was time for you to go. It’s not always the unflattering pictures that we want to take into consideration when time forces the hand. Instead, we fantasize about the refreshing moments that captured our hearts to make them sing. Fire burned bright on the inside of me for you and I am still sizzling with it’s heat even though we are at our goodbye.

All I have for you are gestures of praise. You made me unafraid to be myself. You were the difference that set you apart from the world. The little bit of time we were able to capture together were some of the best times of my life. Your leaving makes me feel as if I am dying inside.

I don’t want to be here holding these hurts of you and me as a prisoner in my mind. I thought that forever was built into the plan. I would rather be with you laboring away over music. We had a unique alignment of vision. I’m overflowing with hope that despite our parting ways that we might one day come together again.

I never considered that I would one day be wondering who I really am without you. We persevered through so many peaks and valleys.

Are you sharing in the quiddity of a blues song like I am right now? I thought that by starting this conversation that maybe it would bring you back to me. I don’t want to fight this battle. I am at the deepest level of disappointment that I have ever been on. I have troubles booming through my heart and I don’t even know how to pacify the little things that trigger your memory. I have entered into this strange, uncomforting place and all I want is a way out.

You were my freedom songs from my woes. You were my bridge to reality from this world. You were like the sweetest aroma of an exotic food.

I thought that we would plow through everything together but that dream has been aborted. I thought we were set to make a big leap forward for years down the road. I thought that we would persevere together because we flowed so well into one another. 

I am still searching for the chords to use to express myself properly. I am still trying not to wander off the corridor into feeling sorry for myself but when the mind kicks into gear, there I am, alone and distraught at the fact of losing you. My stomach churns at the thought that I could have been more careful to give you the true love that you deserved. I am fighting a serious spiritual battle and I am hoping to regain my sanity.

When they say that repetition breeds familiarity, I should have known to change up my routine. Maybe I could have rehashed the way I moved to make things different. I could have curbed the mistakes I made. Instead, I am searching for the scaffolding needed to understand. But, I want to claim responsibility for this all.

My sleeping pattern has been wrecked because the vision of your leaving keeps playing in my mind like an old blues song chorus. Some would call it cognitive overload. I would say that I got my mind on you.

I am meandering aimlessly about, but I am trying my best to navigate my way through it all. I have the emotional desire to be with you. I was a fool to let you walk away. Please come back to me.

Sincerely, Love!

Actually, I was a fool to let them walk away with you. Did I play an active role in letting their hands get a hold of you? Every moment of every day, I am considering about the time that was allocated to being robbed of my equipment. I was all bright with lights leaving you snuggly in my trunk and then in the blink of an eye, I became a gray clouded hailstorm when I came back to an opened empty trunk. I can’t even make the pieces of the puzzle fit together to make sense of it all; it is beyond my comprehension and my heart was broken just like that. I still have a lingering taste for clarity for this whole situation.

One never knows how life will unfold and I never expected for that day to turn out that way. I feel like I cultivated a true relationship with you, my love; my keyboard. We rocked together for almost 20 years and drew even closer together during the quarantine. It was putting my hands on the ebonies and ivories of your piano bed that pushed me through the strain of life itself. We got so familiar that we progressed into going out to live performances together; and that was something I never did until recently. You made a major contribution to my life and just like that, you're gone.

I’ve been sapped of all my strength with the injustice that was done to me but trying my best to keep my head above water. I feel defeated and sad at this whole situation, but I am trying to break this cycle of doubt that I have allowed myself to be in. I have become hard-boiled about everything and it is not a good feeling. But I am trying to stand firmer in my faith.

I’m just yearning for you. I want you back. The hardest part is saying goodbye.

We been through so much together. But, I am hoping to proclaim peace again. Maybe one day I will be able to pull victory out of the jaws of defeat. Until then, I am simply chasing the illusion of being together again in harmony perhaps playing a litany of songs over a bonfire. But for now, your memory will forever lurk in the distance. I loved you and I always will. Thank you for the years shared with me.

Goodbye.