Holding On

Jane sat quietly by Ken’s bedside, watching as he slept. For the last fifty years, the couple had faced every obstacle life had thrown their way united, as one. When they got the devastating diagnosis ten years ago, they held onto each other and vowed they could get through this together too. Dementia. At least it wasn’t worse, they had said, attempting to distance themselves from the news. Now, as she sat by her true love, she found herself drifting into treasured memories. She reminisced about their first meeting. Jane smiled when she recalled her initial reaction.

“Who would have thought we would still be together after that,” she wondered in a whisper.

His familiar response came into her mind, “You never could resist my kisses, and you know it,” he would say. A single tear ran down her cheek. She wiped it away quickly, frustrated that such a good memory could turn on her waterworks. Forcing her mind in a different direction, she mused in conversation with herself:

“He’s been sleeping more lately. I suppose it is both a blessing and a curse.”

She chastised herself almost immediately. “How can you think like that? It’s not his fault he doesn’t remember. He is the man you love. He’s not a burden!”

“I know, and I do love him. It’s just that I’m tired. I’m not as young as I used to be, and he needs a lot of care.”

“Are you ready to be done with him?”

“Of course not! I don’t want to lose him, ever. It’s just that there’s so little of him left.”

“He’s still there. You can see it when he smiles. You know you can, Jane! Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. Love him while you can.”

“I will, you don’t need to worry about that.”

“I know. I hope today’s a good day.”

“It will be. He just needs to rest. He’ll be fine once he is rested.”

Jane’s inner dialogue was interrupted by a knock on the house door. She took one more look at the slumbering form of her husband and rose from her chair. It was the hospice nursing aide.

“Good morning, Tom. How are you today?”

“I’m well. How are you and Ken getting along?”

“Ken is still sleeping. I thought he needed his rest. Would you like some coffee?”

“Thank you, Jane. That would be lovely.”

The coffee was already brewed. Jane always had a fresh pot going. Caffeine seemed to be her best friend, these days. She took a cup from the cabinet and poured the deep brown liquid into Tom’s cup before refreshing her own beverage.

“There’s sugar and cream on the table, if you’d like some. Ken always takes his with cream and sugar. I take mine with sugar,” she said feeling awkward about her over-explanation.

“I am fine with just cream,” Tom replied. “Tell me the truth, Jane. How are you really doing?”

“I’m fine. Just a little tired. Maybe sad. I miss him so much, but he’s still here. How can both of those statements be true at the same time?”

The tears flowed down both cheeks now. Tom listened, without judgement, a look of genuine concern etched across his face.

“It is hard. I know. Dementia steals our loved ones bit by bit. Maybe today will be a good day.”

“I am thankful for every day – good or bad.”

A noise from the bedroom interrupted their conversation and they both looked in that direction. Ken was walking down the hall toward them. He cast a comical figure with his arms in pant legs and boxer shorts on top of his head.

“Good morning, Ken,” Jane said with a smile, “were you cold?”

“Yes,” Ken replied with an unrecognizing expression on his face.

“Would you like some help?”

“Yes, this doesn’t feel right.”

“We will get you sorted,” Jane assured him.

“Let’s get you showered first,” Tom suggested.

“Alright,” Ken acquiesced.

“I’ll lay out some fresh clothes,” Jane offered.

Before long, Ken was clean and dressed. When he re-appeared with Tom at his side, Jane motioned Ken to join her at the table. Tom made his way out to visit his next client.

“I made some breakfast. Come and eat, Ken. Can I pour you some coffee?”

“That sounds nice,” he replied. “The food smells good.”

“Thank you. I made you a plate. Eggs and sausage with toast. Doesn’t that sound good?”

“Mmhmm.”

Ken sat at the table and ate his food. Or rather, he poked at his food and took a couple of sips of his coffee. Jane talked while Ken nibbled.

“I got a call from your brother this morning. You remember Joe, don’t you?”

Ken’s mouth said, “oh sure,” but his face said otherwise. Jane ignored the lack of recognition and plowed ahead.

“He was just calling to check on you. I told him you are doing well.”

“Good,” Ken replied.

“The kids are coming by later,” Jane continued.

“Whose kids?”

“Our kids, silly. You remember them, don’t you?”

“Of course I do. I’m not stupid,” he said sounding cross.

“I know you’re not stupid, dear,” Jane replied.

Jane always tried to remind him of important people and things so he wouldn’t be overwhelmed by visitors who expected to be remembered.

“Today is Friday. They always come by for a visit on Fridays. Remember?”

“Yes. I remember,” Ken said softly. Jane wasn’t sure he did but did not contradict him.

“Karen will be here with Robby. She’s working as a teacher and Robby is an accountant. Karen says they have news for us.”

“Oh?”

“I wonder what news.”

“I don’t know,” Ken said sounding a little perturbed.

“It’s exciting, isn’t it? Wondering what news our daughter has for us.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you getting tired again, dear?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Let’s get you settled in your chair, and you can rest before the kids get here. Would you like that?”

“Yeah,” Ken replied.

Jane helped Ken to his favorite chair.

“I think you’ll like this one,” she said.

“Okay,” he replied sitting down. “It is nice. Thank you… uhm….”

“Jane,” she offered helpfully.

“Thank you, Jane,” he replied apologetically.

“You’re welcome, my love,” she said holding his hand and looking deep into his eyes.

Ken returned her gaze. Flickering flashes of recognition twinkled in his eyes before vanishing as quickly as they appeared. A tear threatened to drop onto his cheek. Jane wiped it away gently.

“It’s okay if you forget sometimes. I’ll remember for both of us,” she said sweetly.

Ken nodded slightly before going back to sleep, leaving Jane to her own company once again.