Regretful Texts

Trigger Warning: Gruesome untimely death of a child

“If I could turn back time I would.  You don’t think there is not a single day that goes by that I don’t think about what I did?  I know what I did and I have to live every day with it.” 

“You may have to live with it but you don’t need to beat yourself up over it.  It was an honest mistake.” 

“It was an honest mistake that caused someone to lose their life.” 

“Kathrine, you didn’t put a cold hard gun to her head and pull the trigger.  It was a genuine mistake.  You need to learn to forgive yourself.” 

“A mistake that was easily avoidable.  I knew how to avoid it and I didn’t.  If only I could turn back the clock and go back and wait to text, then I could have avoided the whole thing.”

 “But you can’t turn back time.”

Kathrine hung her head in her hands and collapsed into the trusting lap in front of her.  The bathroom floor was cold under her knees and damp, likely from a stranger's urine.

It all started three months prior.  Katherine was driving home from her Wednesday night spin class.  She had plans to meet up with Colton, a gorgeous man she met on Tinder.  It would be their third date and all was going well so far.  He didn’t have any weird habits like eating off her plate or making remarks about other women in the room.  She didn’t see any red flags and as far as she could tell; he felt the same way about her.       

As she rushed home to take a quick shower and change her clothes before her date, her phone, resting in the cupholder, buzzed.  She glanced down at the phone as she tipped it up out of the cupholder.  Colton had texted her four simple characters: ETA?

She picked up the phone with her right hand as she held the steering wheel of the white BMW with the other.  She glanced back up at the road ahead of her.  The street was already beginning to glow with reflectors and street lights.  It was a bit late to be going out on a Wednesday, but she could not pass up the opportunity to move things along with Colton.

With the text message app still open, she clicked the button to turn voice to text:  30 minutes question mark.  

It auto-corrected the text to: Thirsty?

Kathrine gave a single laugh, closing her eyes briefly before trying again: 30 minutes question mark.

Thirsty?

She laughed again.  Balancing the wheel with both hands she opened up the visualization of the keyboard on her phone to type it out.  She hit the numbers button but before she could hit the number “3”, she heard a loud bang and her seatbelt got tight as momentum threw her against it taking with it her last breath.  What had happened?

It was not until she was lying on a hospital bed, that she learned the truth. While in her texting flurry with Colton, the white BMW she was driving approached an intersection.  The traffic light at the intersection was glowing red, causing the white BMW to run the red light.  She didn’t notice the car making its rightful way across the intersection and she definitely didn’t notice the little girl in the backseat, who screamed as she saw the car coming straight for her.  The result was the white BMW t-boning into the gray Honda, directly in the center of the SUV. 

Kathrine was released from the hospital shortly after waking, with hardly a scratch.  When she returned home, upset and broken, she immediately ordered a pint of ice cream from doordash, put on the most comfortable pajamas she owned, and left a message for her therapist requesting regular sessions.  The one person she didn’t think to message was Colton.  The thought of texting him pained her.  He was the reason she was in this mess to begin with.  

It has now been three months since the incident.  Three months of therapy.  Three months of being told it is best to leave the grieving family alone for the time being.  And three months of anxiety attacks that hit her whenever she thought she was on the other side of the mess.  A fictional vision of the little girl's face flashes before her eyes and she suddenly can’t breathe.  

“Are you good, Kathrine?  Do you need another minute?”  

Colton’s voice brought Kathrine back to this moment.  To lie on the floor of the restaurant’s single person unisex bathroom.  Kathrine lifted her head and looked around.  The dim light did nothing to improve the dingy floor and wall tiles.  Kathrine blinked and blinked again.

She leaned back so that she was supporting herself and was no longer in Colton’s lap.  She noted how she felt in the moment.  She noticed she felt strong enough to stand, so with Coltons help, she wobbled to her feet.  She was grateful that he didn’t let her disappear from his life.  He called her and texted her until she finally answered and agreed to meet him.  When she explained what had happened, he didn’t disappear.  He didn’t run the other way fearful of the baggage that Kathrine was bringing.  Instead he did the opposite and became her crutch.  And in turn, made their relationship stronger.   

She looked in the warped mirror lit with neon lights.  Who would have thought such a nice restaurant would have such crappy and cold bathrooms?  She wiped under both eyes with her middle fingers to remove the dark circles of mascara and eyeliner.  She brushed her hair with her fingers so that it laid flat.

“Here,” Colton said, handing Kathrine her makeup bag to apply fresh mascara, eyeliner, and powder to her face.  A routine that had become commonplace between the fresh couple.  Her makeup wasn’t perfect but it was better than five minutes prior.

“If I can’t turn back time, perhaps I need the next best thing, a margarita,” Kathrine said.

“I think you need a margarita.”  Colton’s smile melted Kathrine a bit and kept her in the moment. 

“And I’m not driving tonight,” Kathrine said in an attempt at humor.

“You don’t drive anymore, anyway.”