From Disconnection to Reconnection

Kayla met with her longtime friend Janna and they got to talk about a certain topic that really amazed her. Janna was bubbling something that made her realized the importance of connection. Connection from the past, present and future. Janna says that connection is very important in her life, that it plays a big role in making her life better. Janna continues to talk but Kayla couldn’t hear what she’s trying to say. She was focused on one thing and she finally admit that she felt that the connection she had with someone was cut off. There was a connection lost with Kayla and with that someone.

“How does it feel to lose the connection you had with that person?” Janna asked.   

“I felt empty, I felt that something is missing and I felt that I am not inspired to do something that I should have. My life is like a big hole that lack something. I couldn’t recognized myself and even though I am trying to do something better still I am longing for that connection I once had.” she answered.

Then “how do you deal with that situation?” Janna asked again.

“I didn’t have the courage to face it. I was hesitant to recognize the feeling I had. I even disguised it so I can hide all those feeling of longingness. I even tried to avoid it and when I tried to fix that connection, I end up being frustrated. I no longer hear his voice because of that connection lost.”

“When did you meet this person?” You didn’t even told me that there was this somebody whom you met, Janna asking with curiosity.

“I met him when I was lost. I met him in the middle of my problems and worries. I met him when I am about to give up with my life. I met him at night where I am all alone thinking about something. I met him when I got to share something and in every situation of my life. I failed to realize that he was all there all along. I never noticed that I met him a million times.”

“You are probably the lucky girl because you met a person in your darkest and memorable time.”  Then “how come you didn’t recognized that person in your life? I mean you have met him in your darkest time but you failed to recognized him in your happiest time, how can it be?” certainly there must be a reason.

“I tend to forget that person when I am in my happiest time but that person never forget me during my darkest time. When I am too happy with all the things I had, with all the friends I had, with my special person and when I have too much in my life, I left him and I realized that I cut off myself from that connection. While I am busy of being happy, he was there looking at me, he was there protecting me, he was there waiting for me to come back, he was trying to reconnect himself but I failed to notice it because I think I had everything I had and that was the most saddest thing I did to that someone.”

That person really loves you and I am dying to meet that person. By the way “did he blame you after that? Did he even say something?”

Kayla just smiled bitterly and she said “that person never blame me, he didn’t even show me that he was hurt but in fact he always told me that he wants me to realized something and he said that he’s always there waiting for me. That was always the situation, when I feel lost, when I am in the midst of my heartbreaks, he was there comforting me and showing me that I may be made a million mistakes but he always remind me that he was willing to accept me and love me unconditionally” then at that moment I realized that he was really a selfless person.

That was so sweet, I mean he really is a great man, I hope that I will be able to meet someone like that. “How importance is your connection with that person then?”

“Our connection was really important, I have learned a lot of lesson with that person, and what I mean is that he plays a big role on shaping my personality and becoming the best version of myself. When I cut off myself from that connection, I appreciate that his presence is what fuels me in life. I got to understand that everything I had is just temporary that all I need is him to complete my life. I still struggle with this realization in life because often times I neglected this important lesson I had. I repeatedly doing things I shouldn’t have but what amazes me most is that he never leaves me in those times. I can see his smile whenever he met me halfway. I guess our relationship is always like that, he is a forgiving person and even though I always separated myself from him, he’ll always find a way back to me.”

I think that was a great realization Kayla, when did you start losing that connection? I mean when you felt that you lost the connection when was it? It’s probably hard for you because you always depend on him.

“It was really hard for me, seeing myself lost and losing that connection. I can’t pull myself and do what I want in life. Just like what I said, it felt empty. There are times that I lose interest on my hobbies, I lost interest in life. I find happiness in every areas of my life, seeking validation and even seeking love with others. I thought that being happy is just enough to live my life. But I discover that being happy sometimes is the reason why I lost my track in life. I discover that too much happiness will lead me to do something I shouldn’t have and in return it breaks the connection I had with him. With that experience and realization, that’s when I ascertain it was that moment I lost the connection.”

“How do you feel when you’re with that person? I’m sure there’s something that made you choose that connection.”

“I felt secured, and I felt the peace that I desire to have. I felt that I am living the life I urge to have. I felt completely fine and satisfied. I felt the love which I never had that sometimes I find it weird and with that feeling I started to be ashamed because I felt I don’t deserve it. Despite of being undeserved there he was telling me that I should never felt ashamed because for him the connection and relationship we have is enough for him to accept and show me that he genuinely loves me even my weakness and darkest side. He showed me that I am worthy to be loved.”

If that the case then why do you left his side? Why do you walk away in his presence? Janna asked.

“My journey with him is not easy, there are times that I fall short of his glory. I stumble and fall. Whenever that happens I blame him, I questioned his love and his ways. I cried and was hurt, I always told him “Why?” Why did he allow that to happen in my life? Why it had to be me? Why I need to suffer? Why do I need to experience the pain over and over again? Does he really loves me? Is he punishing me for doing what is not right? All these questions I asked to him, I didn’t receive a definite answer but he just said someday you’re going to realized that this is for your own good that everything happens for a reason. I couldn’t accept his answer because I am in pain. He would just hug me and told me that he loves me so much. Even though I left him after that, he would just let me do what I want and then in that same place, he would just look at me and held his hand and he never leave that place and it reminds me that he would wait right in that place where I left. He was waiting and waiting.”

“Why do you left every time you’re hurt?” When in fact when his hurt he never leaves you.

“I failed to see his greater love and the value he had in my life. I never realized that he was just protecting me, that all those things he had done is preparing me for a better future. I failed to see how good he is and how great he is. I decline to accept the truth that everything is for my own good. Instead I choose to see my selfish realization, blaming him for my failed decisions in life when in fact I was the one who did it and I was coward to accept my mistakes in life. I become so prideful and always think about my selfish desires in life.”

“How do you go back then after you lost your connection?”

“It is still because of his love. He always call my name, he always reach out after all those things. He still cares and loves me. When I open his message, it is always full of love, full of comfort, full of discipline, full of learnings and the most important of all is that it became my hope and the basis of my growth. That’s when I got to know him deeper. I don’t know but maybe because he always makes way in order for me to go back to him. I felt that he never leaves and he never give up on me.”

What was the hardest battle you had while journeying with him? Janna inquired.

“I had many hardest battles with him, some of this is fighting myself, I mean I do not accept who I am in his eyes and even questioned myself. I think questioning myself, the purpose I had and the role I had is very hard. Every time I stumble, I doubt on myself, I doubt the purpose he gave me, and even doubting his existence in my life. I lose my sense of belongingness in his life and when that happened I lose my passion which is to inspire others through my writing. Secondly, the feeling of lust and being attached to things which I find it difficult to remove. I fall short to this temptation and the attachment I had with things and to every person became my idolatry in life. Lastly, my anger issues and dishonesty, I am guilty of always keeping baggage in my heart, I get angry to people that supposed to be loved and accept. I usually lie whenever there are times I need to protect myself and when I needed to which is really wrong. I still fighting battle but this time I am not alone.”

With that connection lost you experienced “What important lesson did you learn in life?”

“The most important lesson I learned from him is that everything will leave and sometimes everything will lose but his love and his presence will always remain. I always find a person who will love me and who will accept me and in those moments, I end up disappointed. I was heartbroken and felt the pain countless times. I love and give everything even losing myself and my respect. He would just remind me that it was wrong, that the man is not what he wants for me, I always force him to make my special someone be the one destined for me and even prayed that he wouldn’t take away the man I loved. At the end of the day, I always question my decision in life, I can’t felt the genuine happiness and if I am happy, I end up crying and miserable. The result is that we always not compatible and the other person just leave and hurt me. In those moments, there he was again, he stays and comforts me. Amidst everything he still loves me unconditionally.”

“What can you say about the effect of connection lost to our relationship with other people?”

“I think the connection we had with the special someone I am talking about should always remain and be treasured. It is the most important connection we should have in order to survive and had a purpose in life. We should learn to reconnect whenever we had connection lost. We should find ways to connect with him because “HIM alone can make our life meaningful and full of hope.” The connection I have with him is not always strong but the most important thing is that when I lost connection, I learn to rebuild it, make it stronger and fix it. Because with that way I can finally grow and depend on him more.”

Lastly Kayla, Who is this person you’re talking about? I was just curious about him. I was touched with your words and realizations in life. I want to meet that person because I want to ask him some question.

Kayla just smiled and told her “Everybody who hears, and accepts him will know that he is the person I am talking about.”