Burned Beauty

How many times had they walked these halls back then? How many times — without ever giving it a second thought? They had taken all this for granted… only to regret it now. To feel the lingering feeling of sadness right in their bones, making them shiver as they walked slowly from room to room, eyeing at everything. The smell of burnt something tickling in their noses, followed by the black spots on the floor, on the ceiling, on the walls. Dirt crunched as they stepped on it — it was the only sound they dared to make, though each of their steps filled with wariness. It had been so long — an eternity, really — since they had been here. And just as real as it felt to be here, just as surreal it felt seeing how everything aged. 

»How long has it been?« Lana asked, looking over at her brother whose eyes stared at everything in such detail and trance that she almost did not dare speak to him. He seemed completely lost in his thoughts as he scanned everything that his eye could catch in this old, old house. A house that they had once called home and now was nothing but ruins filled with haunting memories. Haunting as to how and why they had forgotten all of this — how everything used to be and how it eventually crumbled. This was all that was left of the memories of a family that was once happy. Since it looked like this now, though, it was obvious that that family was a thing of the past. It didn’t exist anymore as it used to. 

»Too long,« Mike answered, his voice not showing any of those emotions he must be going through right now. Lana knew, though, that he must feel the same way as she did. Heartbroken and flooded with memories of a family that did not feel like they belonged to them. These memories seemed so far from what they were used to remembering — they had mostly only remembered the bad, completely discarding everything that was hidden in this house. It felt like they had entered the house of a stranger and yet, their bodies filled with grief and felt as close to all these things as if they had never left. Anything they touched or even looked at for a sweet little second opened a new box of memories in their head. Pictures that made Lana tear up, wondering how they allowed themselves to take all this for granted until they didn’t anymore. 

»No one's been here since…« Mike swallowed his words, his hands both brushing through his hair. This was tough on him as well, not just on Lana. 

»Since we had to leave?«, she tried to finish his sentence. He nodded, his lips formed a thin line, pressing against each other as his eyes kept wandering around. Standing in a room that once used to be a happy living room, always filled with noise, they both seemed to get goose bumps. It was silent now and yet it felt like they could feel how lively it used to be. As if they could hear the children's laughter, the adults talking, the TV running. Everything looked just like it used to — nothing moved not even an inch — and nevertheless it was completely different. Broken down of age and the aftermath of the fire that happened in here not that long ago. It was almost scary how everything was exactly how it used to be. As if they had left in an unbelievable hurry and never looked back. At least Lana and Mike hadn’t. The fact that the house was still here, still full of furniture, toys and everything that made it feel alive told them that their mother didn’t forget. Had she kept it to do exactly that — to keep looking back, to remember what once was? To cherish all these things, all these memories, that to Lana and Mike had felt so insignificant when they were kids until they had lost it all? They had never realized what they had lost, the change had sneaked up on them so slowly but surely. Most of their memories concerned the after — almost as if this house was deleted from their memories. As if they had tried to forget that things were once … good. 

»Mom never sold the house.« They both realized this almost simultaneously, looking at each other with troubled eyes. 

»But why?« Lana asked as they started walking towards the next room — the kitchen which clearly had gotten the worst of the fire. They still had no idea what caused it but just one look inside the kitchen gave away that it must have started there. At this point, both of them were basically shivering as they travelled back to the past. 

»Maybe she never got around to it,« Mike supposed. 

»Or she didn’t want to.« Lana suggested. They both had no clue, were just spouting out ideas. 

»Or no one wanted to buy it. It’s an old house after all.« They both sighed as they didn’t really know the answer and the only person who knew wasn’t with them anymore. They left the kitchen as there was nothing recognizable to be seen anymore. It was all basically burned down, pitch black, and ugly. When Lana and Mike were kids, in this very house, they used to share a room. A wave of nostalgia seemed to bewitch them as they walked towards that very room, remembering all these little details of what their lives once used to be. Mike opened the old, squeaking door, black dust left behind on his fingers, and a whole new world uncovered in front of them. Lana´s heart pretty much stopped before it starting beating so much faster than before, her widened eyes staring into this old room. It was just as much old and destroyed as all the other rooms in this house and yet it still felt the same. As if they had never left, they entered the room, staring at all those little toys, books, and other things that were laying around and forgotten. They used to live here and seeing this old bedroom made them realize that even more. Their faded memories of their childhood in here seemed to crawl back to them, more alive than ever. An unfinished — but now destroyed — wallpaper told the story of how their father once said he was going to renovate this whole room … only to never do it. Two desks right next to each other showed, that Lana and Mike used to do their homework together, next to each other, in this very room. The bed with all those plushies — Lana's bed where she used to cry when things didn’t go well. The plain bed that once broke and no one ever fixed — Mike's. Closets that still had a few of their tiny old clothes in them. An empty rabbit cage that once housed two little happy bunnies. All these memories — good or bad — flashed in front of their eyes. Taking a deep breath, Lana felt the need to take a step back, staying anxiously in the door frame whilst her brother entered the room in his curiosity. 

»We lived here for so long,« Mike mumbled. It must have been at least ten years. They had been babies when they moved into this house. They had left when Lana was twelve. 

»Dad just abandoned all of this,« Lana added almost in disbelief as she remembered how good things used to be until they weren’t. 

»He abandoned us.« Mike's voice was harsh, he left no room for correction. »And you know that, too.« Lana nodded, finally following her brother into the room. The lump in Lana's throat grew as she stared at all those things on their desks, burned drawings, old homework. School books, toy cars, and little ponies. They had been in this room so often, had slept here so many knights, played together. Lana used to remember how Mike had to handle their father’s anger, how they hid in the room while their mother was being yelled at, hoping he wouldn’t come to them next. But now, standing here… 

»It wasn’t all bad, don’t you think?« Insecurity fought her voice, only letting it out little by little as she shied away and let her eyes wander some more. They used to be a family. They used to live, love, laugh. In their memory, all days had been bad. But in reality, that wasn’t the case. It must have been at least 50/50, maybe even better than that. They had had good days, great days. A little picture on her desks showed her that they even had fun on vacations, that things were rough but had been good, somehow. Their father had had his temper, but back then they had dealt with it, accepted it. They had grown up with it. But as he slowly abandoned them, things changed — even their memories. Their mother sick and alone as their father found a new job and left, promising to come home on the weekends only to proceed not to, the picture of their father went from acceptable to terrible.

»No… I guess not.« To Lana's surprise Mike agreed. Exchanging looks, they nodded as they kept staring at all these old memories. It was just surprising that it had taken them to come here in person again when everything was destroyed and they were only here to assess whether it was still sellable. Even though they had seen these rooms a million times and could do so very clearly in their memory, actually standing here had changed everything. It had something beautiful, how they were able to view their memories sort of unbiased, realizing how it actually used to be. Acknowledging the beauty of what once was without missing it. The feeling it gave them from head to toe without filling them with sadness. It was miraculous to remember that once things used to be this way, that things used to be normal, fun, and lovable. Seeing the beauty of what once was but wasn’t meant to be any longer. The beauty they never saw of what used to be so familiar to them.