The Light Beneath The Waves

The sun glistened across the sea, dotted with sparkles as though someone had sprinkled her with fairy dust. Few places can nourish and fulfill my soul, but she always did. I hoped once again she could work her magic. I felt my shoulders shift slightly, releasing some of the tension. I was depleted, drained and exhausted. The gentle lapping of the waves however did nothing to calm my inner self.

I threw my towel and sparse belongings on the shimmering sand and stripped down to my swimsuit. I ran to embrace her and the delectable rush of the cool water running over my feet. It never failed to disappoint.

I scanned the water and was glad there were no riptides; they were inside of me, tearing me apart.

I waded as fast as I could until I was in deeper water and quickly started to swim across the shore. I thrashed my arms through the water, each stroke releasing my tension and emotion.

The sea’s calmness made me angrier; how dare she be calm when I needed her wrath and rage.Despite the continual movement of the waves there was stillness. No music, no phone, no distractions. Just my rhythm and the gentle lull of the waves. Then of course my thoughts, which were an imperfect storm. I had enough emotion to cause a tsunami.

It was probably not a good idea to be alone with those thoughts, but I also knew I had to process them. I needed to be somewhere safe with someone who would understand. Who is better than my lifelong friend, who had kept all my secrets for so long? Once more I was pouring out my soul to her.

My connectivity with the sea is life long and it had taken me several years to associate it to my relationship with God. If ever He answered me back it was nearly always at the ocean. He had known I needed no more chaos or drama providing me with a safe haven.

The sun hid behind a cloud as though sensing my somber mood. My world had been dark for so long and I had been clutching to the lingering light. I can honestly say now there have been moments when I had been in complete darkness. It had led me to my hole that I liked to inhabit when desperation set in. The hole had been so deep I was starting to wonder if I would ever climb out. I was there yesterday; it was suffocating pulling me in numbing my emotions. Yet it was no longer consoling but leaving me feeling as though I was in a place of no return. Soulless and lost. I had wrestled with those inner thoughts scared of where they were leading me. I was desperately seeking an exit, and it was then I heard the sound of the ocean in my mind and longed for its tranquility. I could not let this hole engulf me. If I did, he would have won, and I could and would never let that happen. It was reckless but I had caught an early flight and was booked on a late flight back. I needed my eternal friend to guide and calm me.

I continued with my swim, my thoughts of the hole consuming me as my arms pummeled through the water like a torpedo. My heavy breathing was becoming apparent, blocking the gentle roar of the surf. I was pushing myself to extremes, but my arms began to feel weightless as though someone or some external power was carrying me. I felt protected and energized as I continued to swim.

The years of abuse flashed with each stroke. I saw it all - and realized how blind I had been. He had conditioned me to think the chaos was all normal. It was other people who were strange.

Darn him I thought as my arm sliced through a wave whilst my legs kicked angrily. I was in desperate search for healing and unlike my abuser I was searching for help.

Oh how I thought I could help him, how I had clung to the “for better or worse” and “in sickness and in health”. He had manipulated me knowing I took those vows in front of God seriously and lived by them. It had taken a priest to point out that he had never abided by his, so I no longer was beholden. God is our forgiving Father, she had told me. Forgiveness I thought, I had forgiven him, but I could not forgive myself. Those vows wrestled within me. The memory made me think of my own father. How I missed my Dad and I could feel the tears swell up, their saltiness diluted in the salty sea. I remember how proud he was when he walked me down the aisle on my wedding day, but I will never forget his doubts. He knew then what I did not. I should have heeded his advice I can still hear his words “it’s not too late, are you sure this is what you want?” Yet in my young heart and mind I loved him with a passion so strong it was undefined, and I was certain it was reciprocated.

I knew I should have walked away years ago and I had been on the verge of doing so until an awful event happened to him which obliged me to stay. Again, I remained true to my vows.

Years of his alcohol abuse had taken the toll on myself and the children, but I tried and tried to help him to no avail. A dear friend told me that at least I had tried way beyond any obligations and far longer than I should. Any sooner and I would have had that doubt and there was no doubt now. His mask had come off over the years and I saw a demon, someone so controlled by their inner thoughts and past experiences that they had no idea of reality. Someone who was so ill that he was likely unrepairable. These thoughts engulfed me, and I knew that I could not let this abuse ruin me. As a large wave swept over me, I felt something running through my veins, in synchronicity with the wave. I felt a glow I barely recognized. Life, it was life and with it light. I kept going and I realized I was coming out of my hole, the pain inside was releasing and I could almost see it in the foamy surf integrated with fairy dust. I watched her take it away with the lulling waves and gentle current and I started to breathe. Really breathed and slowly I could feel the tension release.

It was time to turn back, to face my new life, one that I was excited about but scared beyond measure. Suddenly I heard the strangest noise. I was alarmed initially as I spotted a dorsal fin. My fears were quickly alleviated, thirty or so meters out to sea were a pod of dolphins. It had been a childhood dream to swim with dolphins in the wild. I swam carefully towards them and could see them looking at me. As I swam nearer to them their chattering seemed to increase. I chattered back, which was ridiculous but what else could I do? One suddenly started to swim towards me, it was not aggressive, but I was slightly alarmed and fearful. Suddenly I was head-to-head with this most beautiful animal and emotion overcame me, tears filled my eyes, and I could not believe my good fortune to see such splendor. At that the dolphin tilted its head talking all the while. “What is it?” I hear myself ask. I looked in the direction of its tilted head and could see a smaller dolphin caught and tangled up in something. My goodness I thought he’s asking for my help. I got closer to him and stretched my arm out in an action of solidarity, and I swear he waved his fin. I was close enough to touch him but was not sure if I should. I swam over to the distressed dolphin who was letting out whelping noises. It was total connectivity with nature and calmness came over me. I was no longer scared but realized I was right where I should be. I slowly approached the dolphin his mother was close by watching. I uttered reassurances both in my mother tongue and what I thought was dolphin speak. I heard a condescending voice in my head telling me not to be so ridiculous. He could not leave me alone. Always ridiculing and talking down to me but at that moment I looked at the dolphins and felt a strength and shouted out loud for him to get lost. Suddenly I was laughing and it seemed the dolphins were laughing with me for a moment but actually I think they were getting annoyed with my procrastination I slowly approached the tangled creature and gently I loosened what looked like an old fishing net and wire, making sure there was no hook. I gently stroked her, and I was unearthed both literally and figuratively, as though the sea had dug me free. It was nothing short of elation. It was so powerful that words could never truly capture the essence of that moment when she was freed. Suddenly they all started to jump out of the sea into the air as though jumping for joy and suddenly I found myself in the center of the circle they had formed. These magnificent animals were clearly thanking me. They approached me and gently rubbed their noses against my arms. I had been feeling so helpless when I had entered the sea earlier, their home, I thought to myself. I knew that despite the precarious position he had left me in it was going to be okay. The innocent connection to nature purified my soul in ways I could never have imagined. I was soothed beyond recognition, fulfilled with a sense of purpose.

I wanted to stay there forever lost in this new world. As I started to swim the pod surrounded me. They were swimming with me and sensed my vulnerability. I am truly swimming with dolphins. I felt goosebumps rise, they were protecting me and keeping me safe. I wondered if they realized how much they had helped me. I swam breaststroke so I could see my friends. I recognized a point on the beach near where I had parked. I was sorry to see it, but I was renewed and strengthened and ready to face the world. The light was certainly visible as I emerged from the sea. I could feel myself climbing out of my hole. I looked back at my friends glad they had not come too close to shore. They were watching and I waved at them. They started leaping around and chattering then with a splash they swam off taking my pain with them. I stared at the shimmering sea; once more she had not disappointed me, and I watched until the dolphins became no more than dots. I sat reflecting on it all, I had a long way to go but the dolphins had donned me with an invisible shroud protecting me from all harm.

As I walked back to the car, I was in a trance-like state. It felt like all this had been a dream and I was half expecting to wake up.

My feet glided over the sand which was soft and exfoliating. As though providing comfort but rubbing away the hurt, anger and pain.

I knew that I had been right to come here, it was the only way out of my hole and not only that it had given my life the direction it needed.

Suddenly I was aware of someone looking at me. It was the young lady I had noticed earlier on the way to the beach. I had sensed she may have escaped some situation but did not know what. She had been staring out at the sea with a glassy haze. I had suspected that like me she was looking for solace and redemption and I did not like to interrupt her thoughts. This time though I met her eye and she smiled nervously. It was like a mirror reflecting back at me. The same vulnerability I was feeling showed on her face and you could tell she was hurting. Those things are not staged they are emotions so drenched within your soul and illuminated for those who have had similar experiences. I recognized the emptiness and loneliness etched on her. Like the dolphin she too was tangled up but her net invisible to most was not to me. I felt compelled to stop, drawn to her almost.

“I know you are not okay.” I told her.

I hesitated “It will be okay.”

She looked up at me, her brown eyes kind but haunting, sending chills through me.

“I am not sure it will be.” She replied wistfully, sieving the sand through her hands as we talked.

We sat and talked for a long while. She was in an abusive relationship and her husband was very physical. I could see the bruising and marks. She knew she had to leave him but felt trapped. She was with child, and she knew she risked losing the baby if she took any more beatings. She had little to her name, but her parents lived a ten-hour drive away. They knew nothing of her situation, but she knew they would support her. She told me her husband would not be home for hours and she did not live far away from the beach. I offered to go with her and help her pack her car. She was immeasurably grateful and I was touched by the faith and trust she had put in me. She had no one here as they had moved a few months ago. Always moving. I drove behind her calling the airline and changing my flight as I did so. Thankfully they got me on the last flight. I rang my children to tell them I was delayed and by the time I had done that I had arrived at her house.

I helped her load her car and told her to follow me to the gas station where I would fill her tank.

I did not need her gratitude even though it was in abundance. Her gift to me was like the dolphins and I suddenly felt valued again.

As we bid our farewells, I knew I had made a lifelong friend. I looked down at my hand and slid off my wedding ring, it was time. I gave it to her and told her to pawn it to get some money for her trip. I had no cash with me, and it seemed fitting that some good came from my ring. I felt more weight lift as she hesitantly took it.

As I drove off, I could see the ocean in my mirror, and I was sure I saw the dolphins. I reflected and could almost see my worries and fears being swept out with the perpetual current. I took comfort in the peace of my soul and the solace that I had reclaimed. The hole no longer called me. Light had taken a hold of it.

I still had a long road ahead, recovery would not be quick but with renewed hope I knew as I had told my new friend it was going to be okay. I wound down the window inhaling the sweet smell of her and I could hear the gentle waves lapping along the sand. With a final glance in my mirror, I bade my steadfast companion adieu.