Release the Karen!

Release the Karen!

Julie Bandy sits nervously in the driver’s seat drumming her thumbs on the steering wheel. She scans the parking lot of the gas station as her brother Carliss, 9mm Beretta in hand, opens the car door.

“Watch your ass Carliss, remember last time.” Julie says with a smug smile. “Just be ready to get the hell outta’ here.” He answers. “And oh yeah, kiss my ass.” He pushes open the door, steps out, shoves the Beretta in his back waistband beneath his shirttail and looks back into the car.

“Now if anything goes wrong…”

She cuts him off. “I know, if anything goes wrong, call the Police and blame everything on you.” 

He shakes his head. “One of these days you’re gonna’ be the one walking through that door while I sit in the car playing with myself.”

There’s a few seconds of silence.

“Get in.” Julie barks.

He hesitates, then slides back into the passenger seat.

“Damn it, what? let’s get this over with.”

“Give me the gun.” Julie demands.

Carliss gives her a stern look of ‘hell no’. She sighs and pulls the Beretta from his hand. She expertly removes the clip, examines the Beretta, pops the clip back in and jacks a round into the breach.   

“Get behind the wheel. I’ll be coming out in a hurry so pay attention.”

She opens the door. “If anything goes wrong.” She stops, leaving him room to give a smartass answer. 

“I know, call the Cops and blame everything on me.”

She smiles. “That’s a real hoot, but what I was going to say is, I’ll shoot you first, then blame everything on you.” 

“Ha, ha, ha… Now either do it or give me the gun!”

Julie quickly exits the car. Carliss slides behind the steering wheel and looks around the parking lot. There’s only one other car on the lot. It’s empty and parked at a gas pump.

He watches intently as Julie opens the gas station door and enters with the beretta behind her back.

“Crazy bitch.” He murmurs.

He sits up close to the steering wheel and watches the front of the store.

He and Julie were always very close. So close in fact, people thought maybe something else was going on. They heard the rumors and laughed it off. 

Julie was a five foot four, blue eyed, blonde haired country girl whose natural beauty belied a nasty temper. When a woman kept hitting on Julie’s boyfriend, Julie waited for her outside the bar and handcuffed her, stripped her naked, shoved a lit Roman Candle up her ass and threw her back inside the bar. Legend says the woman went bat shit crazy and before they could catch her she set the bar on fire. Julie served six months in state prison for what she called ‘a minor misunderstanding’. 

Carliss and Julie started their latest crime spree after Carliss shot Julie’s boyfriend for threatening to kill her. They thought the guy was dead so they ran. They ran before finding out the ex-boyfriend was a wanted felon with multiple assault convictions. 

Carliss liked to kid Julie about her crappy taste in Men. “Your relationships are like a slasher film. You’re Laurie Strode and the guys alway turn out to be Michael Myers.”

Carliss was twenty one; two years older than Julie. He was a skinny, tattooed, wanna’ be rock and roller who thought his fu-manchu mustache and shaved tattooed head made him appear tough and menacing.  

They grew up with alcoholic parents who would allow creepy people they referred to as distant ‘relatives’ to stay with them as long as they could provide drugs and alcohol. Having to fight off the advances of both male and female “relatives”  Carliss and Julie became hard core close and instinctively protected one another. 

Carliss glances at his watch, then at the front door. 

“Come on Julie, it don’t take ten minutes to rob a friggin’ gas station.” 

The door flies open. Carliss’s jaw drops. Julie backs out of the door with one arm around a woman’s throat and the barrel of the Beretta pressed up against the woman’s temple. They back slowly towards the car. Julie is yelling at someone. Julie and the woman reach the car and Carliss sees the gas station attendant come out the door with a double barreled shotgun aimed directly at Julie and her hostage. 

Carliss freezes, unsure of what to do next.

Without taking her eyes off of the armed attendant Julie screams “Open the fucking door!” Carliss reaches over, pulls the door handle, and flings open the door.

Julie backs into the backseat pulling the woman in with her. The station attendant stands in the open building's doorway aiming the shotgun at the car. Carliss pulls the car door shut, puts the car in reverse and backs away. When he’s out of shotgun range he slams the gear shift into drive and speeds away.

Carliss yells, “Highway or backroads?”

“Backroads. Find a place where we can pull off and get our shit together.” Julie answers.

She turns her attention to her hostage. She’s confused by the woman’s attitude.

The woman looks more annoyed than scared. 

“What’s your name?” Julie asks.

The woman doesn’t answer.

“Did you hear me? What’s your name?”

Still no answer.

“Okay, have it your way.”

She leans forward and grabs some handcuffs from the front seat. 

“Hold out your hands.” Julie commands.

The woman finally speaks “You’re not putting those on me.”

“Look lady, we're going to let you go, so for now, do as you’re told. Now hold out your hands.”

“No.” The lady answers defiantly and then adds. “It stinks in here.”

“What?” Julie says.

“I said it stinks in this car. This is a diarrhea car. A diarrhea with corn car.” 

Halfway amused Julie sits back.

“You two shit-fer-brains are in a lot of trouble, do you know who I am?”

“Carliss, hurry up and find a place to pull over.”

“I’m looking.” He answers.

“Are you a whore?” The woman asks, staring at Julie. “You look like a whore, I’ll bet you're a liberal whore aren’t you. You know, the type of whore who screws everyone just to get her way.”

“Lady, you'd better shut your mouth before something bad happens.” Carliss warns.

“Bad? I’ve been kidnapped by two people who are not only morons but they also stink like diarrhea corn. It can’t get much worse. Don’t you two ever bathe?”

Julie’s dander is up “Look lady, Tell me your name or I’m gonna’ kneecap your dumbass.”

“No! Kneecap away… Evil whore.”

“Pull over,” Julie yells.

“Yeah you idiot, pull this piece of crap over.” The woman yells back. “Hey you, idiot, what’s your name?”

Carliss meekly squeaks out a reply. “Carliss, my name’s Carliss.”

“That’s a stupid name. Were your parents retarded?”

Carliss and Julie are shocked by the gall of this woman.

“Lady, one more word and I’m gonna…”

“You’re gonna’ what? Kidnap me at gunpoint? Put me in the backseat of a car with a couple of the dumbest humans ever conceived. Your parents were retarded, Geez, I’d hate to see what your Grandparents were like.”

Julie crawls from the back seat into the front passenger seat.

“Thank you. Can I roll down a window? Now that you’re up there maybe I can get the stink out. I’d hate to be you two, but then again I’ll bet you can’t help it, drugs probably fried your brains. Yeah, that’s what’s the matter with you, drugs. Drugs and bad genes. Your parents probably had syphilis and it transferred into your brains so when you were born you already had a debilitating brain disease and that’s why you’r so fucking stupid.”

Carliss screams “AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” He slams on the brakes and the car careens around on the road. “You bitch I’m gonna beat your ass!”

“That’s it, crash the car, you’re the worst driver I’ve ever seen. My dog can drive better than you. You two have obviously had massive brain trauma. Were you Siamese Twins joined at the face? That’s it! I figured it out. When they separated you at birth there was only one brain so you each only got half a brain, that explains the mental deficiency. The extreme homeliness must come from when they separated your faces. Boy the surgeon must have been drunk on her ass when she did that job. I mean look at yourselves. That’s what I call bone ugly.”

The car turns sharply and abruptly off of the paved road onto a dirt road. They travel a few miles, all the time the woman’s diatribe doesn’t stop.

“I can’t wait until they catch you. You know kidnapping is a capital crime, you’ll get the death penalty. I’ll be there when they stick the needle in your arm and after you’re dead I’ll throw a “Ding, Dong the Morons are Dead” party. You two are invited. Hey wait a minute, you guys can’t come, you’ll be dead.”  The woman cackles, enjoying every word. “What I do on your graves won’t pass for flowers.”

The car stops at a pull off among a stand of trees. Carliss shuts off the car and turns on the dome light. They turn and glare at the woman who has a mischievous  smirk on her face.

“Now what tweedledum and tweedledee are you going to kill me? Oh no, please don’t kill me, I have a family, a dog, and a cat, no two cats, and a few items that you’ve probably never heard of, you know, stuff like soap, toilet paper, a tooth brush, deodorant…”

“SHUT UP!” Julie screams. One more word and I’ll drag you out of this car and beat your ass to a pulp. I mean it, not one more word!”

Julie and Carliss have turned around on their knees facing the crazy woman in the backseat. Julie gives the woman the dare stare. Except for a few chirping crickets outside the car and the exasperated breathing of Julie and Carliss there is relative quiet.

The woman sits clutching her purse with a shit eating grin on her face.

She is relentless. “You two ought to join a circus.” She points at Carliss. “You could be a clown, but not just any clown, you’d be the retarded clown. Yeah, a retarded clown. Close your eyes and visualize yourself as you were meant to be, a retarded clown with drool pouring from your mouth, a big waterhead and a giant load in your pants. Yeah, that’s it. You’re a drooling, retarded clown who has shit all over himself after squeezing into that little clown car.

Wow dude, you feel it? That’s you all over. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be with the rest of the retarded clowns? I’ll bet…” Julie cuts her off.

“I’ll say this for you lady, you’ve got balls.”

“It’s too bad Bozo there doesn’t have any.”

Carliss’s face is flushed red with anger.

He looks at Julie. “Permission to bust the bitch in the mouth.”

“Bust away.” Julie answers with a smile.

The woman leans forward offering her jaw. “Before I kick both your asses may I say a few words?”

Carliss adjusts for the punch. “Go ahead, make it good, they may be your last words.” 

The woman leans back in the seat. Carliss and Julie protest that she must lean forward so the punch will be brutal.

“Look, I realize you two can’t help it.”

“Can’t help what?” Julie asks.

“You know, being the way you are. Mentally challenged, in dire need of a frontal lobotomy.”

“Damn lady, you are sick.”

“I’m sick? You geniuses robbed a gas station and kidnapped the wife of Ron Jeremy and you call me sick? You two should have been aborted or at least spayed or neutered. Procreation shouldn’t be an option for you two. This car stinks and your teeth are yellow and your breath smells.”

Julie loses it “Carliss get her out! Get her out of this car right now! I mean it…” Julie raises the Beretta, “Now! Hurry up or I’ll shoot her then I’ll shoot you!” 

Carliss throws open the driver’s door and jumps out. He moves the seat forward and orders the woman to get out. “Lady get your ass out right now! She ain’t messin’ around. She’ll go dark and shoot both our asses!”

The woman calmly looks at Carliss, then at Julie, “No! You two are not my boss. When the Police get to the gas station they’ll be able to track you by your smell because you two smell like diarrhea. Do you know I’m the wife of  John Holmes? I gotta’ pee.”

Carliss and Julie turn around facing forward and give one another a disbelieving stare.

They lower their voices.

“What’ll we do?” Carliss asks.

The woman continues to ramble and now her speech is interrupted by what can only be described as Tourettes Syndrome.

An exasperated Julie fondles the Beretta and rolls her eyes. “I don’t know. She’s quite obviously… “She finds the word, “Insane. I’m not gonna’ hurt an insane person. She got us out of the gas station so let’s dump her here and be on our way.”

“Okay, sounds good, she’ll be alright unless a bear gets her.”

“Have you guys ever used butt plugs as ear plugs? If you do, don’t do what I did and use them in your butt first because you’ll get poop in your ear but if you use them in your ears first you’ll get ear wax in your butt. So there you are, a catch-22.” 

Julie perks up. “Hey lady, didn’t you say you had to pee?”

Carliss smiles at Julie. He gets it. She gets out to pee and they drive off.

“That’s okay, I’ve already gone pee-pee. Will you guys roll down your windows? I'm going to let bowel gas escape. Hey Bozo, roll down your window, you too whore. Hey how come my panties are wet? Have you guys been molesting me?”

Julie goes ballistic. “That’s it!” She turns facing the woman. She points the Beretta at her and orders Carliss to open his door and get out so she can exit the car.

“Get out right now.” Julie yells.

Carliss is standing outside the car leaning forward with his hands on top of the door frame. “Come on lady, get the hell out.”

The woman scoots across the back seat from behind Julie to behind the driver’s seat.

She lifts up the front of her skirt and rumbles out a fart that vibrates the car.

“I sure hope Jackie Chan didn’t hear that.”

Julie and Carliss look at each other and snicker with amazement.

“We could make a fortune off of this bitch.” Julie states.

“Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining because that’s what you two do, you Bozo the retarded clown and you, the whore who pays men to have sex with her because of her vile body odor. Have you ever considered euthanization? You should. It would be such a relief to society if you two were buried alive somewhere.”

“Lady, you are evil. Shooting you would actually be orgasmic.” Carliss hisses.

“Come on Bozo the retarded clown, you're too dumb to orgasm, and you, crack whore, you kidnapped the wife of Harry Reems. He’ll cut your throat. One thing for sure, your throat’s gonna’ hurt.”

“This is your last warning. Get out of the car right now or we’ll be dragging your stinking corpse out and throwing it in the river.” Julie opens the passenger door and steps out. She leans forward and pushes up the seat. “Out bitch, now.”

“After you shoot me please don’t throw me in the river, I can’t swim and I’m allergic to catfish. Do you realize you kidnapped the wife of Osama Bin Laden? You wanna see me naked?” 

“NO!” Carliss and Julie yell simultaneously. 

“I’ll make you Bozo, and you whore, a deal. Get back in the car for five minutes, listen to what I have to say and then I’ll get out no questions asked.” 

Carliss and Julie immediately get back in the car and shut the doors. Julie looks at Carliss. “It’s the first sane thing she’s uttered all evening.” They turn and look at the woman. “Five minutes lady, go.”

“I don’t like you guys. You’re stupid and you stink.” The tourettes continues to interrupt the woman’s rambling. Carliss and Julie have turned facing forward and listen impatiently.

They’re distracted, and so put off they don’t see the woman quietly slip a .38 Caliber Colt Revolver from her purse.

“My nipples are hard. Are you guys thirsty? My dog's name is Jim Nabors and he whacks off. You guys want to know my name?”

Carliss turns around. The words “Sure” no more escapes his lips when the crack of the .38 explodes inside the confines of the car. 

Carliss is shot dead through the left temple. His lifeless body slumps forward and blood fountains from the wound and sprays all over Julie who screams in horror.

She starts to shake and fumbles with the Beretta when the noise of another shot from the .38 fills the car. The bullet travels through the passenger seat, straight through Julie’s chest, and into the windshield. Julie drops the Beretta, leans back in the seat, and gasps her last breath.

The woman leans forward, giggles, and whispers into Carliss’s dead bloody ear. “When you get to hell, say hello to my other seventeen little friends. Tell them Karen sent you. That’s right, I’m a Karen.” With an unnatural grunting laughter, Karen gets out of the car, turns off the dome light, and disappears into the night. 

The End