No Good Options

The loneliness could strike at any time. More than once, it had caught her off guard while driving to work. It had snuck up on her in line at the grocery store, on a walk in the park, and while sitting in the dentist’s chair. No time, place, or activity was safe from from the sadness, but the worst was when it woke her in the middle of the night.

Arden gasped, then sat up. Her room was pitch black, and cold, but she felt clammy. She tossed her comforter aside, and fumbled for her phone on the nightstand. Her fingers brushed the screen and it lit up with the time. 2:07. Arden groaned. She had only been asleep for three hours.

She swiped up and across and started scrolling through her photos. She stopped when she landed on a series of pictures and videos that featured a sweet toddler girl with dark brown curls. 

The pudgy little face and piercing blue eyes tugged at her heartstrings. Arden pressed play on a video. The child was sitting on top of a fridge that was part of a wooden play kitchen. She wore striped leggings, and pink and purple glittery light-up rain boots.

“I’m way high, up high. Can you do this?” the cherub asked.

Of course she was on top of the fridge. Maren did what she wanted. They used to joke that she was a grown ass woman at two years old. 

Arden scrolled again, stopping when she came to another video of the little girl. This time, she was seated at the kitchen table. Her hand was in a bowl of chopped strawberries, and her cheeks were covered in face paint scribbles. 

“I love my auntie! She makes me happy! She makes me happy so much!” Maren’s toddler voice belted out.

A mournful ache tore through Arden’s heart. She struggled to catch her breath. She missed her niece with an intensity she couldn’t put into words.

Arden had wanted to be a mother for as long as she could remember. She’d been single her whole life, never trusting anyone enough to enter a real relationship with them. Nearing forty, still single, and broke, Arden realized her dream would never become a reality. Then, she learned that she was going to be an aunt.

Arden was present at Maren’s birth. She was one of the first people to see Maren as she entered the world. From the moment Arden laid eyes on the beautiful, splotchy, gurgling bundle that was her niece, her life had new meaning. She was devoted to the little girl. Maren was the light of her life, and filled a deep void in Arden’s existence.

The pair spent every weekend together, from the time Maren was one month old. They went for walks in the woods, read stories, and played. Arden stopped by several nights a week and helped to put baby, and then toddler, Maren to bed. Eventually, Maren’s parents bought a house, and Arden moved in with them. It wasn’t always easy, but as long as they were together, it was good.

After two years of this arrangement, Maren’s mom accepted a job out of state. Arden had to make a difficult choice. If she moved with Maren and her parents, she would be leaving behind the life and connections she’d built in Minnesota. If she stayed, she’d be losing her greatest joy. There were no good options.

Arden scrolled through her photo album again. This time, she stopped on a photo of a slightly older Maren at the beach. It must have been early spring, because she was dressed in leggings and a t-shirt, instead of a swimsuit. Maren was holding a measuring cup that was filled with water. In front of her, there was a large, green bucket, and a mixing bowl filled with sand. The longer Arden stared at the picture, the more clearly she remembered that day.

Maren hadn’t slept well the night before, and she was grumpy. Arden took her to the beach in the morning to help her regulate, with the hope that Maren would take a good nap. The sand and the water did wonders to turn Maren’s foul mood around. She was calm, focused, and engaged while scooping sand and water. Arden remembered that it was windy that day, and sort of chilly, but she couldn’t remember if Maren had ended up taking a nap.

Arden yawned, and put her phone back on the nightstand. She put her head on the pillow, rolled onto her side, pulled the comforter over her legs, and closed her eyes. She was supposed to be sleeping.

A few moments later, she reached for her phone again. She wanted to see more pictures of Maren. She needed to remember all that they had done together.

Arden swiped her finger across her phone. A photo of Maren on a bike popped up. This was the first two wheel-bike that Maren had owned. It was neon purple and orange, with training wheels. Maren was wearing a helmet that looked like the head of a unicorn. She was riding on the tennis courts at the park that was next to the house they had lived in. 

Arden’s heart started to pound. She hadn’t ever succeeded in teaching Maren to ride a bike without training wheels. Why hadn’t she spent more time on that? What if Maren never learned to ride a bike? 

Arden never imagined that her sister would pack up and move the family away. She’d pictured herself as always playing a prominent role in Maren’s life. Almost two years in, and the shock hadn’t completely worn off.

Arden was still close with her niece. She went to visit as often as she could, but that was usually only every few months. Arden couldn’t be there for Maren on a daily basis, the way she wanted to be. 

Arden wished she could turn back time. She wanted to relive the days before any of them knew what was to come. But there was no going back. 

Arden glanced from her phone to the old clock radio on her nightstand. She couldn’t believe that an hour and a half had passed since she first woke. She set her phone back on the table, then rolled to face the wall. She closed her eyes, and waited for sleep to carry her into darkness.