Just Grin and Bear It

Just grin and bear it, Leah commanded herself. Her fingers curled around the edge of the sink, slippery against her damp skin. White-knuckled, she glared at her reflection. Because you love him, you will grin and bear it.

This.

Isn’t.

About.

You.

Leah inhaled sharply. “Just get over yourself already. You’re being ridiculous. He loves you. You know this. This isn’t going to change anything at all. Be happy for him.” She nodded firmly at her less than satisfied reflection and spun on her heel. 

And nearly collided with the smartly dressed woman entering the washroom. Leah bit her tongue as she and the stranger bumped shoulders. The woman blinked and rested a hand on Leah’s other shoulder to steady herself.

“So sorry, love. I didn’t mean to ambush you like that.” Her green eyes twinkled with amusement. 

Leah smiled tightly. “No worries. I should’ve been paying more attention.” 

“Lovely party, isn't it?” The woman continued, leaning over the sink to stare into the mirror. 

Leah shrugged in agreement. 

“You best be gettin' back out there, love. You don’t want to miss a moment of this.” Her green eyes flashed mischievously, as if a secret linked the two of them together.

Leah took a deep breath. Then she plastered on a smile, steeled her shoulders, and threw herself back out into the party.

She loved him, and nothing else mattered, not even the niggling discontentment gnawing at her heart.

****

He watched her return from the washroom, an overly enthusiastic smile cemented on her face. She expertly wove her way through the throng of party-goers, eyes locked on the man who only had eyes for the woman at his side. 

He sighed in sympathy as Leah’s perfect facade slipped momentarily while the man remained oblivious to her stare. Worry creased her brow, fear filling her eyes. She glanced at the groom, and he could almost feel her desperation. 

Livianus threw back the rest of his drink, straightened his green tie, and sauntered over to where she was waiting, watching in mild delight as her mask slipped back into place. She was a tough one. He’d give her that. But how far would she be willing to bend before that love for the groom-to-be made her snap?

***

Livianus was on the move. Akhila shifted, eyes darting back to the energetic woman chatting aimlessly in front of him. He nodded and smiled, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder as she paused for a breath. He knew he shouldn’t have let her start talking when they almost collided as she exited the washroom.

“If you’ll excuse me for a moment. I have just spotted a dear friend of mine.” 

The small woman’s green eyes widened as she followed his line of sight. “You mean Leah? She is one of Carson’s dearest friends. Nigh inseparable, from what I’ve seen. She seems to be taking his engagement to Brie very well.” Akhila smiled politely and turned his attention to Leah and the lithe figure slinking closer to her.

“Not for much longer if he has anything to say about it.”

***

Leah beamed as Carson planted a kiss on his bride-to-be, joining in the whooping that swelled through the room. Carson grinned and tipped his head forward in a bow, earning a smattering of laughter. 

“Brie and I just wanted to take a moment to thank you all for coming to our engagement party. Each one of you has played such an important role in our lives, and we wouldn’t be standing here if it weren’t for your support and love and 'gentle' nudging.” The crowd laughed as Carson waggled his eyebrows at Leah. She smirked back and winked at Brie. “So on behalf of myself and the future Mrs. Fletcher, thank you, and enjoy the party.” Carson slipped his hand into Brie’s and led her towards the first cluster of well-wishers.

Leah watched them go, happiness for the two swelling in her heart. This wasn’t so bad. She could do this. Carson still loved her as much as she loved him, and his impending marriage wasn’t going to ruin their friendship. She had been worried over nothing. Nothing bad was going to happen.

“Lovely toast, wasn’t it? I especially loved his nod to your role in bringing them together. So touching.” Leah jumped at the voice cooing in her ear. She spun around and locked eyes with the man leaning against the window. She squinted into the setting sun, the figure before her nothing more than a shadow.

“I’m sorry?”

“I found it touching that he specifically mentioned you, that’s all. What a dear friend you must be.”

Leah tilted her head. “I like to think I am,” she said hesitantly. “And who are you?”

The man stepped back from the window, stretching out a hand. Her eyes swept over his immaculate outfit, eyes lingering on the green tie that accented his unearthly green eyes. “The name’s Livianus. And you must be Leah, yes?”

She took his outstretched hand. “Yes.”

“A pleasure. I haven’t seen Carson in years. Would it be a bother if I stole you away for drinks and you could tell me a bit about how Carson’s been doing?”

Leah extracted her hand from his enthusiastic grip. Something felt…off. She glanced over her shoulder at where Carson and Brie were talking to Jess and Dan. Carson caught her eye and beamed at her.

“I suppose a few minutes couldn’t hurt,” she replied carefully.

“Great! Come with me.” Livianus grabbed her hand and maneuvered her to the refreshments. Again, she looked back at Carson, but now his eyes were locked on Brie. Something stirred unpleasantly in her stomach.

A sinking feeling pricked at her heart, stinging her eyes. The feeling grew heavy, constricting, crushing. She gasped, attempting to catch her breath. What on earth was wrong with her?

***

“Something wrong, love?” Livianus squeezed Leah’s hand, relishing the tenseness spreading through her. She gave the slightest nod of her head, grip tightening. He smiled wolfishly as he followed her gaze to the happy couple. An envious flush crawled up her neck. 

“It’s not fair, is it?” he purred in her ear. “You loved him first, didn’t you? And he loved you. And now look. That should be you next to him.”

She stirred and mumbled softly, gently. “No. We’re friends. We established that a long time ago.” 

“But deep down, you’re still that freshman with that cute little crush on the boy a year ahead of her, aren’t you?” Livianus hummed in her ear. Her eyes glazed over. 

“I… I…”

“Leah, there you are! I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

Livianus cursed as Leah snapped from her stupor. Damnit. That 'goody two shoes' always had to show up and ruin his moment, didn’t he?

***

Akhila glowered at Livianus, who held Leah in his slimy grip. Leah blinked rapidly and slid her hand from Livianus. The flush receded down her neck, her breathing evening out.

“I’m so sorry. Do I… do I know you?” she squinted at him. 

Akhila tore his gaze from Livianus’ glower and focused on Leah. He smiled gently and grasped her elbow, steering her away.

“We’ll catch up later, darling!” Livianus called sweetly, waggling his fingers at Akhila.

“My name is Akhila. I believe we’ve met on several occasions.” He glanced back over his shoulder at the figure slinking back into the crowds. 

“No, I don’t think we have. . .” her voice trailed off as he casually squeezed her hand. Her eyes brightened with recognition. 

***

“Oh, yes! The Christmas party and the hockey games, right?” Leah grinned, a warmth spreading through her chest. “Those are some of my favourite memories.” 

Images flashed across her mind.

Carson and her huddled under a shared blanket, cheering as Brie scored another goal.

She and Brie making faces as Carson attempted to take pictures of them for the yearbook.

Carson squeezing her hand as she cried into his shoulder.

The three of them, a tangle of limbs, laughing as Leah attempted to study.

Love surged through her heart. Love for Carson, love for Brie. Love for them as a couple. Love for her friendship with Carson. 

She turned to the man standing next to her, his brown eyes so calm, so gentle. 

“Carson is lucky to have you in his life,” Akhila said simply. Leah smiled softly.

“No, I’m the lucky one.” She glanced up and met Carson’s eyes. She beamed as he made his way over to her.

“May I steal her away for a moment?”

Akhila smiled and released her hand. “But of course. Take as many as you need.” He placed her hand in Carson’s.

Carson pulled her close and spun them around in a lazy circle. “Thank you so much.”

“For what?”

“For your friendship. I honestly don’t know where I’d be without you. You mean so much to me. I just wanted to let you know. That I love you.”

Leah sighed, resting her cheek on his shoulder. “I love you too. You’ve been such a blessing to me.”

Carson pressed a kiss to her temple. She closed her eyes, blissfully content.

***

Livianus glowered as Leah swayed blissfully in the arms of her old pal Carson. He fumbled with his pale green jacket, foot tapping restlessly. He had been so close. So close. So close. . .

“Just leave her be.”

“You know I can’t do that, old friend.”

He heard Akhila sigh. “You could just walk away. We both could.”

“She has to make the choice for herself. You know that.”

“Hasn’t she? Look at her.” 

Livianus glanced at the happy couple swaying on the dance floor, enveloped in their own cloud of contented bliss.

“I haven’t had my moment with her yet. You know how this works. I don’t make the rules, old friend.” 

He heard Akhila sigh in resignation as he headed towards the couple. 

“Carson, could I borrow you for a bit?” Brie’s voice cut through the crowd. Carson slowed to a halt and smiled at his bride-to-be.

Livianus stepped smoothly into their path and tapped Carson’s shoulder. “May I cut in?” Carson distractedly nodded and placed Leah’s hand into Livianus’. Without even a glance back, he strode off towards where Brie stood waiting

Livianus tenderly took Leah in his arms and began to sway to the music. “It’s not fair, is it love?” he murmured. She trembled in his arms.

“She’s his fiancée. Of course she takes precedence,” she whispered. “Besides, he still loves me. You heard him. Right?” Her voice hitched. “You heard him, right?”

Livianus closed his eyes. “No love, I didn’t.”

***

Leah stiffened. The room spun faster and faster, colours and people blurring together.

She couldn’t see.

Couldn’t hear.

Couldn’t breathe.

She had heard him.

He had said he loved her. She had heard it. And said it back.

“But he didn’t even look back at you when Brie called for him, did he?”

Leah dug her fingers into his shoulders. “No. No.” She shook her head, tears stinging her eyes. “You’re wrong. I heard him.” She whimpered. “I heard him.”

“You’re lying to yourself if you believe that this marriage won’t change anything. He’s going to leave.” 

She hung on for dear life as Livianus spun the room faster. Leah’s heart pounded with every step. Panic clawed at her chest.

She was going to lose him.

Forever.

The first boy she had ever imagined a future with.

The boy who hadn’t walked out when she hit rock bottom.

The man who had held her when she cried. Picked her back up. Just sat and held her hand when everything had become too much.

He was leaving.

Why

Did

They

Always 

Leave?

Hatred.

Hatred.

Seething, raging hatred seized her. This was Brie’s fault.

Her fault.

Her fault.

All.

Her.

Fault.

Carson loved her. Not Brie.

Her.

Leah’s mantra rang in her head. Just grin and bear it. Because you love him, you will grin and bear it. No.

No. She loved Carson. And she wasn’t going to grin and bear it any longer.

She dug her heels in and slid to a halt. She met Livianus’ green eyes.

“Go to him.”

Leah swept a hand across her damp cheeks and spun around, frantically searching.

She was going to tell him how much she loved him. More than a friend. So much more. She couldn’t see him. The room was still spinning. 

She stumbled a few steps in one direction.

A pair of hands caught her. Gentle hands. 

“Leah. Think about this.”

Her thoughts slowed to a crawl. Akhila’s compassionate eyes ground her frantic tizzy to a halt. The room froze. She exhaled.

“Go to him. But Leah, the choice is yours. It’s always been yours. You can let go and be content–”

“Or you can throw it away, and take the path of jealousy,” Livianus finished. “The choice is yours.”

“Be consumed, or let go.” Akhila said.

“Let go and forever wonder, or pursue him and maybe receive your happily ever after.” Livianus offered.

Leah chose.

***

“Carson? I need to talk to you. Alone,” Leah said with a pointed look at Brie. Brie shrugged and smiled.

“Course. Love you Leah. Thanks for being here.” 

Her words struck Leah in the gut. She had always loved Brie and her love for others. Was she about to ruin everything?

“What’s the matter Leah? You’re pale. Come sit down.”

She swallowed. “Can we sit outside?”

Carson nodded and led her outside.

“What’s wrong?”

Leah said nothing. She couldn’t move her lips. She couldn’t breathe. Panic began to mount in her chest.

“Leah, you’re scaring me,” Carson laughed, edges darkened by concern.

“Carson… I love you. So much. And I have to tell you something…”

“You know you can tell me anything.”

“Carson, I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

Leah turned back to face him, sniffling. “I’m scared that I’m going to lose you.” She dissolved into tears. “I can’t lose you.”

Carson stood and pulled her to his chest. She sobbed, burying her face in his shoulder. “I’m so scared that this is going to change everything. I love things the way they are. I know how much you and Brie love each other, and I know I’m being selfish…” she sniffled “But I need you too.”

Carson stroked her hair, hugging her tighter. “I’m not going anywhere, Leah. Sure, things are going to be different, but you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

She laughed through her tears. “Promise?”

“I promise. You’re not gonna lose me. You’re such an important part of my life and marriage isn’t going to change that. In fact, you’re stuck with me. Probably for the rest of your life.”

Leah hugged him tighter. “I think I can live with that.”

“Let’s go back inside, okay?”

Leah stepped back, drying her tears. “Okay.”

And he held her hand tightly as they stepped back into the party.

Together.

***