Without You

Note: this story is a mashup between my experiences with two different people and what I went through each time. In other words, it is based off true stories, however, I changed their names for privacy’s sake.

“Today’s the day I change,” I thought as I looked in the mirror, at the shy blond girl in glasses that peered back it my. It was difficult on its own. My hair pulled back in a tight ponytail. No makeup (despite the fact that I was fifteen and in a school where it was frowned open), and I was in sweat pants and a loose sweatshirt. My older brother’s. Ok, yes, technically, going from… me to anyone but me in a day was impossible, but I was willing to try, right? Girls, it’s my glow-up season! And I can do this!

I broke down into a sob. Nope. Can’t do this. Not without Michal, my biggest supporter and companion, AKA, my ex. I texted my best friend group chat, Lani, Kenzie, and Casen that I needed help, and I floated into a funk on the bed, lost in though. Michal and I had broken up over the weekend. Or should I say, I finally got tired of wasting my breath on a jerk like him and ended it. Now, seriously regretting my life decisions! It was a rough breakup, if I’m being honest, but I’m also thinking that everyone saw it coming. So, last year, he had been one of my only friends, only of the only people I would go to if I needed help. And I needed help A LOT. He would often call me needy, but in my depressed stage, I was already crying and so pretty much took it as a compliment. Other than that, my best friend, Aniyah, would often text me updates throughout the many days that I missed, and although I rarely checked them, once I did a reread, I found that in the middle of them, she often mentioned him flirting with my friends, and sometimes, more. Of course, I was too afraid to let him go, because he was all I had ever known, and that sometimes made me go crazy. Then, I got the news that he was switching school for junior high, because he wanted to go to some hockey school or something, which showed little to no care for me at all. But of course, again, I didn’t see it, and decided to make my move and tell him how I felt. No response, no reaction, nothing for around three days before I told him to forget that I even said anything, and we were friends again. That alone was hard, until just before summer, he lost a family member and shut me out. If you thought the flirting was bad before, I now had to sit through it all day with him and one of my best friends (who also liked him) sitting behind me. Then, when the school bell rang for the last time for me (two weeks earlier than the other kids), I messaged him again, saying how I felt, and how sad I was that he was leaving, then I hightailed in out to the countryside, where we were taking our first vacation. To my surprise, when we returned a month later, he had replied with “yeah um well me two but like opposite nah that sounds bad you know what I mean”. Did I? All I knew was that suddenly, he was spending a lot of time around me. And then we heard that his school had missed an early entry, and he was to be kicked out of his spot as STM. We were all heart broken for him, of course, but on the inside, I was screaming with joy. This was my chance! Lucky for us, we ended up in the same class, and while yes, my friend group grew in size, I often felt like I wasn’t able to get close to any of them, so I stuck with my tight-knit crew for most of the time and threw in a few new guys. Michal and I, however, were basically stuck together, except for our EAP classes, for he was still regular. We grew so much closer in those first few weeks school, but I was blind. In his math class, he met another girl. WHY was I not surprised? Maybe because over the summer, I had come to my senses and seen everything that he had done previously, and therefore I was expected and tracking his every movement. Promising it wasn’t anything, I let it go until one day I was cornered by the other girl’s friend group by my locker.

“Um, can we talk to you?” One girl asked before a blond to her left added,

“ALONE.” I should’ve said no. Instead, I jumped on my chance and said,

“Look, I already know. I know his hands have been on her, and I know he’s lied about it. I know he dumped me the first chance he got, and I know he has no intention of telling me!” As I watched their faces grow with surprise as I continued. Blond asked who had told me. I shrugged. “He did.” More confusion. “He was like this last year. And at recess the other day, he asked me what I would do if he chose her over me. Clear red flag. I replied with something along the lines of “vandalize a bus to turn it into the magic school bus than duck tape a chair to the front and run you over with it”. The best part was he knew I wasn’t kidding, so he then decided to go with telling me it was going to be the hardest decision of his life.” Blond, understand, said,

“Because you threaten to kill him. Had you said nothing, he probably would have gone with her right away.” I snapped my fingers.

“There you go. Anyway, I’m over him.” Just as I spoke our subject walked out of the classroom and froze, taking in the fact that I was talking to someone from another class. We all slowly spun our heads to watch him as he opened his locker and threw his lunch kit in keeping his eyes on us the whole time. In unison, we started shaking our heads and frowning.

“Look, we better go tell Lani.” Girl one said. “This is some information I’m SURE she’d love.” Michal eyes exploded in fear. They smiled, waved, and took of towards a girl at the other end of the hall.

“So, ahhhh, what’d you tell them.” I frowned harder and snapped,

“JERK.”

After lunch, my class flowed into the music room, and thanks to the fact that I’m sure the music teacher just didn’t want to put a name to our faces, he had us in assigned seating (based off of alphabetical order), and just my luck, Michal was in front of me. You have got to be kidding me. He spun around.

“Look, can we talk?” I cut him off.

“No. Absolutely not. I already know. And I had to find out from one of her friends-” with that his face crumpled, and he swore. “Which is a terrible way to find out that you are still the same player as last year and that you haven’t changed a bit!” He grabbed my arm.

“Please. I’m sorry!”

“And you think I give a crap?!” I pulled away, and a distinct tear rolled down his cheek. He had been pulled away from before. When his cousin died a few months earlier.

“I wanted to tell you, I wanted it to come from me- wait, who told you?”

“I value her privacy, and her friendship, so I’m not gonna tell you!”

“Please!” He begged with me for days, and I never forgave him. Until in front of him, in an outburst of anger, I called both him and the other girl the b word, and he practically died. Already I was seeing a difference between the old girl and me. I never used to swear. He had done that to me. And he was also the one that told Lani, the other class’ queen bee, what I had said.

Fast forward to now, in my room, practically goth, and hurting. Lani and I made up, and we are now trying to fix this mess I had turned into. The door to my room swung open, and there she was, along with her group, most of mine, and some boys I didn’t hate. They all ran in for a group hug, and pretty soon I was smiling. She said it was glam up time. All together, we opened my closet and took out most of the stuff, laying it on the bed in three piles: keep, sell, and I don’t know. Meanwhile, some boys were taking pictures using my phone and logging it on my Instagram, and others were suing Lani’s to take pictures of the sell clothes and post them on her QuickSell app, a place that was designed to sell things within a day. It worked. In under and hour, I had an empty closet (it turns out all of my clothes fall in the ‘too big’, ‘too small’ or ‘not my type’ categories), and over a two thousand bucks (!!!) to use for my glow up. With the help of everyone’s computers and my mom’s printer, we printed off inspirational quotes and replaced the SadDEATH album covers inside picture frames with them, May flung open my curtains, and we found a bunch of old paint in the basement. The boys were ordered to stay home and do some sort of geometrical pattern with the tape and paint, while we went shopping. IKEA is my least favorite place in the planet, but soon, we had eaten several cinnamon rolls and had bought a new bed frame and matching bedside table, a cute pillow case, and a lamp. When we got back home, Lani ran upstairs and called some boys downstairs to do the assembly. Then, we headed back out again to shop for clothes. It was fun, finding my style again, not being afraid to look for color. We raided the stores, and I bought everyone smoothies.

“So, how was that?” Lani asked, turning around from the passenger side seat. She was the only one here with a driver’s license, but she had allowed Ari to drive while she inspected. I smiled.

“It was good.” with that, we turned into my driveway, and we all jumped up. I flung the door open, and we all kicked our boots off and ran upstairs, barely saying a word to my mom. The boys had moved the furniture upstairs and reorganized my room for me. It was gorgeous. There were triangles of all shapes, sizes, and colors on the wall, then the had put the bed in the corner, with white bed sheets and a black pillow case with tassels on top. They had found an old chandelier in my basement and fixed it up so it was freshly gold and hung string lights around a mood board above my desk. Once the go their boys drinks and cookies (mom came up with those, probably just to see what we were doing), we had a fashion show. Now, you would think it was weird showing off my body in front of all of these people, but it wasn’t. I knew and loved them to the point where I was in tight, ripped, acid-washed skinny jeans and a purple plunge neck lace bra in front of all of them at one point. Later into the afternoon, once everything was in the closet, and we were organized, Lani practically kicked the boys out, saying it was time for some “serious girl stuff”. 'Serious girl stuff' was mostly a sleepover and some pep-talking for the next day. We made a Pinterest board of hairstyles and makeup ideas, and we planned my outfit for the next day. Eventually though, my mom came upstairs and said that some girls' parents were here to pick them up. Lani was the only one able to stay, and after we called Casen up, he came back and stayed as well. We popped some popcorn, and sat on the couch to watch a movie. I leaned my head on Lani's shoulder and Casen took my hand (WHAT?!).

“Guys, I just realized I never said thank you. Thank you.” Lani smiled in the darkness.

“Anything for my girl.” About an hour later, we fell asleep on the couch. The next morning, I woke up, and Casen was missing. Quietly, to not wake Lani, I crept back to my room, and peeked in. Casen was sitting in my desk chair Head tilted back, looking slightly asleep.

“Morning.” He said, without opening his eyes. I nodded and looked at what we had planned: the jeans and bra from yesterday, with a cropped semi-transparent white over the shoulder tee-shirt and black calf-high heeled boots.

“Don't look; I'm changing.” I called over my shoulder. Casen laughed, but I didn't look back to see if he had glanced my way. I pulled everything on, and then I called back, “Ok, maybe I need a little help with the straps on this thing!” Another laugh and then Casen shuffled a bit to turn my way. He inhaled sharply and paused. For a second I though he wasn't going to come, then he reached over and grabbed one of the straps lightly, brushing his fingers over my shoulder and back as he pulled them together and hooked. Then, he asked,

"Good?" I spun around and grabbed his shoulders.

"Yeah." I said quietly. "Now I'm good." His hands slowly found my waste and he smirked.

"Yeah? How about now?" I gasped as he griped my waste band.

"No air left," I replied, glancing at him. I pulled him slightly closer and gently put my lips on his. Just as he kissed me back, Lani's voice from the door interrupted us.

"AM I STILL DREAMING OR DID YOU TO JUST-" I put a finger to her lips. She nodded and went back to the tv room to change. Casen smiled.

"So..."

"... We should do that again." I concluded. He said he was hoping I was say that, and he grabbed my waist again and kissed me for real. A few minutes later his phone rang. His mom wanted him home for breakfast. He grabbed his stuff and kissed me goodbye before gunning it down the stairs before my dad woke up. As soon as he was out of the room, Lani sauntered in and asked what that was. I shrugged.

"So, does that mean that I can have Michal?" I grimaced.

"I mean, sure, if you want...” She cracked up.

“No, I'm good and kidding. Neither of us need him. Now throw on a shirt and LET'S GO!” We grabbed some muffins from the kitchen and hit the bus. When we entered the school, I was getting all the stares, and I'll admit my high pony and black eyeliner nearly came off, but then I saw Casen down the hall with Michal.Lani and I grinned at each other. And walked their way. Seeing what I was doing, they both glanced my way and their faces lit up. Once I was close enough, I wrapped myself around Casen, and we pulled away from Michal group, his arm on my shoulder.

“That was beautiful.” He whispered. “You're beautiful.”

“Thanks.” I smiled. “Today's the day I changed.”