Dancing in the Rain

Dear Little Sister,

I’m sorry I never told you… You're my younger sister. I’m supposed to keep secrets from you… Right? Most siblings fight all the time, but we were never like that. When dad never came back from deployment we had each other. When mom couldn’t take care of both of us anymore, I took care of you. When I needed someone to hold me together, you were my glue. We’ve had each other through everything, so I’m sorry I never told you. I wanted to, really I did, but then I saw that spark in your eyes and I knew I could never be the one to diminish it.

Your imagination is greater than that of anyone I’ve ever seen. I used to tell you to grow up, there's no use for such hopeless dreams. You got quiet back then, not because you gave up on those stories, but to make me happy. However, I’m not happy. I want to sit by your bed every night. I don’t want to read you bedtime stories, I want you to tell me yours. I want you to talk and scheme and plan until you sink into your dreams, in a world you’ve built for yourself. I’m seventeen, you're only ten, but still your imaginations stretch past the seven years between us. Your imagination is complex, stretched so far and wide that when you see two people or groups fight you are always able to see the other side. It’s a gift many humans don’t have, but it’s not the best thing about you.

I’ve never told you this, perhaps I should’ve before now, but the best thing about you is that spark. That spark in your eyes that is ignited by the smallest, most trivial things. Many people call you childish for it, but I don’t think you're childish, you merely have a free spirit. I see that spark so often in your eyes, I think I’m going to miss it the most. Watching you leap and bound across the crosswalks, making sure your feet land on only the white lines. Watching you race the shadow of a cloud, making sure you stay in the light. Watching you chase fireflies around the yard, even though you're afraid to catch them because you're afraid they’d get hurt. Watching your eyes widen in awe at every precise strike of lightning. The smallest things that you love. 

Maybe I’ll miss the way you notice everything, just as much as I miss that spark. Have you noticed, yet? You're the only one who notices these things! Whether it be friends and family or a complete stranger! You take one look into their eyes and it’s like you just know. You know when they're hurting and you always know just what to say or do to make them smile again. Maybe that’s why it had to be me, the world still needs you. I still need you. I’m sorry that you noticed it in me. I’m sorry I couldn’t hide it from you. I wish I could’ve told you then, but it hurt me too much to even try.

I remember the first day it had rained after dad had died. Mom had been in her room for days and I had taken it upon myself to take care of you. I was staring out the window at the careless rain and I saw you. I was so mad. I didn’t understand why you were smiling. How could you smile? I went outside to drag you back in, I reprimanded you for standing out in the rain when you knew you could easily get sick. You let me drag you behind me until you were just outside the shelter of the porch roof. Then you planted your feet and refused to budge until I turned back to face you. You had a small smile on your face, but your eyes were full of pain, only I could tell it wasn’t your pain, not really, it was a reflection of my own pain. I let go of your arm and just continued to stare, deep into your bright sky blue eyes.

“Come dance with me.” You said it so quietly I thought I had misheard you.

“What?”

“Everyone always dances under clear or cloudy skies. Life isn’t just about the clear, bright, and happy things. It’s about making it through the dark, blurry, and sad things. It’s about learning to dance in the rain, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it alone. So come dance with me.” You held out your hand for me and I remember feeling a flood of relief at that moment. Your words sang a truth that settled deep within me. You were only five, and yet you taught me how to dance in the rain, for that I am forever thank you.

I’m sorry about this again, for not being able to face you. I want you to know I’m sad because I have to leave you and mom. Not because I want to, but because I’m sick. I don’t have time to tell you exactly what the doctors said, but I can tell you what hurt the most. What hurt the most was knowing I wouldn’t see you everyday. I wouldn’t see that spark. Or hear you cheer someone up. Or see your beautiful soft smile. They told me I had a week left to live. I took you on hikes, we explored the forest by our house, we stargazed for hours, we stayed up watching lightning, we did everything together that we could. I took some pretty neat polaroid pictures of us doing each of these things, I put them in the envelope with this letter. Don’t forget me. Please. I promise I’ll always remember you. Always, little sister. This is my last night. I want you to know it’s raining right now. And before I go, I’ll dance in the rain one last time. I’ll dance for you one last time so that you know. I’m always with you rain or shine.

Sincerely, Your Older Sister.

I gently slid the envelope into the mailbox, knowing she would check mail for mom early in the morning. I was careful not to let the rain get the paper wet. Tears slid down my face as I let my hair out of it’s constricting braid. I stepped out into the street, where it seemed the rain was falling the hardest. My chest constricted one last time, more painful than the rest. Goodbye, little si-