To You, the One Who Forgot to Grow Up

I sunk into the cushioned leather seat as I sighed, exhaling the musty air that encompassed us. I looked out the window, the outside world blurred from the foggy condensation that had formed on the frigid glass. A luminous orange glow came from the dancing flames of a fire, people sat around it to protect themselves from the bitter winter air.

I turned towards you, tears streamed down your face, like rain falling into your lap. You looked at me, your eyes glossy like polished gems. Through sobs, you opened your mouth to speak to me

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, You must hate me now, and you have all the right in the world to hate me.”

To you, the one who forgot to grow up, the one with broken promises. You ruined me, you destroyed me. You made every day of my life hell, you made every day not worth living. You drained the color from the world leaving only an ashen landscape that hurts to look at, that burns my eyes down to my very soul, that traps me in my own mind. Stuck in a prison of tears, bound by chains of thoughts and iron bars made of pain, all of it designed by you. I long to be normal, I long to be free but because of you, that will never happen. because of you, I am bound by quilt for something I did not do. 

The cold metal bars stung against my back as the sound of crashing water roared far below the pavement that I sat on. My eyes stung with sorrow as salty tears ran down my face, sliding down my neck and soaking into my already damp shirt. Small bumps ran across my arms as my body shivered. My voice was shaky from yelling, from pleading. I opened my mouth and let out one last cry.

“I’m so sorry, I know that will never be enough, but I am sorry.” those were the only words I hard left, I had spent the past hour pleading to you over the phone, begging you not to do it, begging for your forgiveness, yet I was not the one in the wrong. Hundreds of apologies left my mouth but I had no need to apologize, you were in the wrong, not I.

To you, the one who forgot to grow up, the one who lied, the one who twisted reality. I hope you’re happy. I hope you are happy with your life now, I hope all your new friends make you happy. I hope they are like your “family” to you, like how we were. You called us family, that you loved us, but you lied then didn’t you? Family doesn’t do that to each other, if you loved me you wouldn’t have hurt me like that, would you? 

I told you I trusted you with my life, at the moment I wasn’t lying but now I know you shouldn’t be trusted with anything, I trusted you and you broke me, You hurt me, with time the wounds have healed but they have left scars, scars I will carry until the day I take my last breath, scars, and burdens that will forever haunt me, that will forever weigh me down into the ocean of despair that is this world but even though you caused this pain, even though you hurt me, I do not hate you.

I lay there in the sand of the midnight desert. Darkness surrounded me, my only comfort being the icy sand my back laid on, though it was rough and the odd pebble jabbed at my spine it was comforting, almost as if I could fall asleep right there in the middle of the desert.

“The moon looks so pretty tonight”, I turned to look at you, you sat atop your car looking up to the sky admiring the moon and countless stars. I looked to the moon and saw it full, filling the night sky with its dull light, reflecting off of the small puddles that had formed in the gutter. 

“Yeah, it sure does,” I said in response with little enthusiasm. You said that every night, regardless of whether the moon was full or a sliver in the sky, barely visible as if it was hiding out of my reach. 

I haven’t heard you say that for seven months now and for good reason, you manipulate people. you drove me to the brink of suicide, yet still if given the chance I would go back in time, just to hear you say that again.

To you, the one who forgot to grow up, even though I forgave months ago, I hope deep down you still can’t forgive yourself, I hope you know how much pain you have caused me, how many tears you have caused me to shed, how many days I have lost to you, 

Here I sit, happy with myself, content with life. You showed me challenges and I overcame them. You caused me harm and I healed and became stronger than I ever imagined I could. I am a good person, that is because of you. 

So, to you, the one who forgot to grow up, the one who destroyed me, the one who hurt me, the one who almost killed me, the one whose memory still haunts me to this day. Thank you, If I could erase what happened, cause all that pain and suffering to not have happened I would not. No amount of money, no amount of gold nor precious gems can change my mind. I am the person I am today for one sole reason, you. Every day is a little better than it was before because I overcame you.

Every minute of my life is worth living because you are gone, yet if you had not been here in the first place it wouldn’t be worth it. You showed me how to be a good person, how to care for people, you showed me how to do this by being the worst human being I have ever met, you were a prime example of what not to be. thank you for showing me that in this world there is some hope left, that in this world there is some good left, but that good is not you, and it never will be.