Should've Been Me

 I didn’t know what she saw in him.

   My heart hung low in my chest, like a bag of bowling balls drooping over someone’s shoulder. 

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair because it should’ve been me. It was my joke she should’ve been laughing at, my arm she should’ve been elbowing, my sundae she should’ve been spooning at.

But instead I was just watching. Watching as if I was some sad puppy who hadn’t been chosen at an animal shelter, not the best friend I’ve secretly had a crush on since fourth grade. 

  “Dakota, are you awake? Helloooo, earth to Dakota!” 

My ears perked up, but my features stiffened once I realized it was Leah.

“Huh?”

She smiled a little and nodded towards our waitress, who was standing beside me with her pitcher full of water.

“Oh. Shit, sorry.” 

I pushed my cup toward her, unable to hide my embarrassment.

“No worries,” She laughed, filling it to its rim, “and I’ll be right back with those to-go boxes.” 

I watched her disappear, before Leah looked at me with a burning look of curiosity. 

“What were you thinkin’ about that put you in such a trance?” 

Now Nixie and Amir were staring at me with equally interested stares. 

“Probably has a little crush,” Amir cracked, and Nixie giggled. 

I looked confused. 

“Who, the waitress?” 

They looked at each other again, then back at me.

“Yeah. The waitress,” Amir grinned. 

   I shook my head, but sat quietly. I always thought it was so obvious I liked Nixie. In middle school, I gave her a hand-made valentine heart attached to a bouquet of daffodils from my mom's garden. She thought it sweet, she had said. Just not as sweet as Elliot Neal’s, because they started dating only a week later when all he gave her was a store-bought card with a Sephora gift card. Nixie didn't even wear Sephora; she only used Juice Beauty products because they were vegan and cruelty free.

All in all, I never liked Elliot. Not just because he had a rocket full of curly carrot hair, or the fact he always spit when he talked, but solely because his parents were snobby millionaires who acted like they were entitled to everything and anything. I figured that must have been the only reason Nixie was interested in him, because he wasn’t exactly Prince Charming in the looks department. Then again, Nixie was also rich, so that didn't satisfy my hypothesis.

“So,” Nixie began suddenly, “you guys wanna come to my place after dinner?” 

“Nix,” Amir whispered, “I thought it would just be the two of us tonight.” 

To my surprise, Nixie looked over at Leah and I, and then back at Amir. I watched as he rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything. 

“Well, I’d love to,” Leah pitched in, breaking the silence. She smiled over at me, but I only shrugged. Honestly, I wasn’t thrilled about spending the afternoon with Nixie and her newest boy-toy.

“Maybe,” I decided. 

“Oh, come on, Dakota,” Nixie pleaded, “it’ll be fun. We can watch a movie and make microwave S’mores.” 

 Damn it. My weakness had always been those microwave S’mores her mother made for us when we did homework together. When we were kids, we called it a chocolate sandwich. 

“Well, alright.”

I took a long sip of my root beer, and Nixie smiled excitedly. Watching her crystal eyes light up with such elemental fire made it worth saying yes.

“Here are those boxes for you guys,” The waitress smiled, gently placing them on the table alongside our checkbooks, “and absolutely no rush, you guys.” 

I watched Amir pull out his wallet, slipping cash into both his and Nixie’s checkbooks. I couldn't help but think how that should’ve been me. In fact, I was so upset that I almost didn’t catch Leah staring silently at me, wallet untouched. 

“Is there something on my face?” I asked her. 

She blinked puzzledly. 

“What? No.” 

“Um, okay, then.” 

I turned to my own wallet and pulled out a twenty. I saw Leah frown before finally reaching for her card. 

  Once the waitress collected our checkbooks, we headed out towards the parking lot. 

“So, what are we thinking about watching tonight?” Nixie asked. 

“Titantic?” Leah suggested instantly. 

“Oh, please. I’m not watching some sappy romance movie,” Amir complained. 

I quickly looked at Nixie. Titanic was her favorite, but of course he didn’t know that. He didn’t seem to know anything. But to my surprise, Nixie stayed quiet. 

“Actually, I think the Titantic is a great idea,” I said. 

Amir grunted. 

“Nixie and I would rather watch something else.” 

  Now I could feel my face start to burn with anger. He thought he knew her so well, but I bet he didn’t even know her favorite ice cream flavor was cookie dough, specifically the kind from Baskin Robbins. Or that her favorite song was ‘All Too Well’ by Taylor Swift, ten minute version. Or that her favorite holiday was the Fourth of July, because that was the holiday her family always went out on their boat to watch the fireworks. This man needed a reality check, because it must’ve slipped his mind that I was the one who’d known her for years, not him. 

  “Nixie actually loves the Titantic,” I spoke calmly, turning to meet her gaze, “right, Nix?” 

Nixie shifted uncomfortably, purposefully avoiding eye contact. 

“Nix?” I repeated. 

“I don’t care what we watch,” She said finally, arms folded, “let’s just decide at the house.” 

   Nixie’s house was a huge contemporary house, with greenery surrounding the entire front lawn. It was the most beautiful house on the block. 

  “Oh hi, Dakota!” Mrs. Baker quickly recognized me, “how are you, honey?” 

“Great, thank you,” I smiled, taking pleasure in watching Amir stand awkwardly aside. 

“And Leah!” Mrs. Baker exclaimed, stepping forward to give her a hug, “how pleasant it is to see you again.” 

  Leah and Nixie had been friends since freshman year of high school. 

I remembered how excited Nixie was to have made a new friend, especially since they had half their classes together. I always thought she was fairly nice; certainly better than her old friend, Raina Seltzer.

 Raina and Nixie were inseparable in middle school, until they had a falling out when they liked the same ugly boy from our algebra class. I hated her simply because was the classic epitome of a popular girl with a bad attitude. Thankfully I hadn’t seen her since. 

  “We’re going to watch a movie now, Mom,” Nixie informed her. 

“Sure, honey,” Mrs. Baker retorted. 

We sauntered down to the polar room and slid into the soft, cushiony sectional sofa. 

I tried to scoot closer to Nixie, but Leah plopped between us. 

“So, are we on for the Titanic or what?” She said. 

“Uh, we never agreed on that,” Amir pointed out. 

“Three against one,” I replied. 

“Yeah? Is the third person in the room with us?” He joked. 

Now he’d done it.

“Nixie, tell him it’s your favorite movie,” I demanded. 

“I said I don’t care what we watch,” She insisted. 

“Yeah, but it’s still your favorite movie,” I pressed. 

She looked over at Amir and then back at me. 

“Um, I don’t really know if I would say that…”

Amir glanced at me truipmhiantly, then snatched the remote from the table. 

  My heart ached again, but this time more disappointment than anger. Of course the Titantic was her favorite movie? I knew that, Leah knew that, everyone knew that! Well, everyone except that imposter of a boyfriend, apparently, who was now taking pride in yet again thinking he knew her so much better than I did.

  Eventually, we decided on — well, Amir decided on — a science fiction about aliens. I was never a fan of science fiction, and Leah didn’t seem too excited about it either. 

“Could you have picked a more boring movie?” She groaned. 

“At least it’s better than some lame love story on a ship that sank over a hundred years ago,” He shot back. 

  I watched him curl his arm around Nixie, and my stomach started to churn. I couldn’t watch this. I couldn’t be here. 

“I gotta use the bathroom,” I muttered, quickly hurrying towards the staircase. 

I felt like I was going to throw up a river of heartbreak and nausea. Amir was the worst of any guy Nixie had ever been with. He hung on to her like she was some prize at a carnival, not the beautiful girl she really was. I moped around the hallway, trying to shake away my sadness. This was a horrible idea; why would Nixie and Amir even want me here? 

  Once I made it to the bathroom, I collapsed against the wall and hugged my knees tightly. It was a pitiful feeling. 

  “Ow!” I shouted suddenly, wondering what my elbow accidentally rested on. I lifted my arm to reveal the pink rubber duck I had bought for her in fifth grade, right when her cousin died from lung cancer. Princess Amethyst, she had named her, because the stone symbolized peace and inner healing. My eyes started to fill with tears when I remembered holding Nixie that day, the day she had discovered the horrible news. Nixie and her cousin were so close, just like the sister she never had. But I was there for her when no one else was. 

  Seconds later, a knock on the door interrupted my sorrowful memories. 

“Hello?” I mustered, cringing as I heard my voice crack. 

“Dakota? Are you in there?” 

It was Leah. 

“Um, yeah. Why?” I asked. 

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” She said, “you seemed so upset. Is something wrong?” 

“What? No, I’m just...just, uh, really sick,” I replied. 

“Are you sure?” She asked uncertainly, “here, let me come in.”

“No, I’m sure. Go watch the movie,” I insisted. 

She laughed. 

“Please. And watch Nixie and Amir make out the whole time? I’d rather choke.” 

There was a long pause. 

“What?” 

“Just let me in, Dakota,” Leah pleaded impatiently, “you don’t have to hide in there. Everyone gets sick, you know.”

Finally, I gave up and unlocked the door. 

“Oh my God,” She whispered after creaking open the door, “have you been crying?” 

“What? No, I’m sick. Clearly.” 

“Your eyes are bright red,” She observed. 

“Yeah, cuz I’m sick,” I repeated angrily.

She paused, her dark eyes blazing at me in disbelief. 

“Fine. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” I said, “just tell Nixie and Amir that I’ll be down soon, okay?” 

“I’ll stay with you,” She replied. 

“No, Leah, you really don’t—” 

But before I could finish my sentence, or even process what was happening, I felt her lips start to press against mine. It didn’t feel real for a minute, like this was all just a figment of my imagination. I mean, it was Leah Abbott. I’d never had a romantic thought about her in my life. 

Suddenly, I pulled back, eyes blinking in confusion. She leaned in again for another kiss, but I waved my hands wildly. 

“Leah, what are you doing?” I sputtered. 

“Kissing you,” She clarified, and I took another step back. 

“But you can’t!” I cried.

“I don’t care that you’re sick,” She insisted, but I shook my head furiously. 

“No...I’m not sick,” I explained, and her eyes flared in confusion. 

“You’re not?” 

“No.” 

“Then why were your eyes all red?” 

I paused for a moment, and she stared at me innocently. 

“It doesn’t matter. It’s none of your business.” 

“It is now,” She snapped, “tell me what’s going on, Dakota. Don’t you like me?” 

“Like you?” My face was plastered with bewilderment, “where did you ever get that idea?” 

I could tell she was hurt, because now her eyes were tearing up. 

“Are you stupid?” She screamed, “why do you think the four of us spent the entire day together?"

I racked my brain, thinking back to all the small puzzling details that hadn’t made sense before. It was starting to click.

“Leah, I’m sorry,” I said, “truly, I didn’t even know you ever felt that way.” 

She rolled her eyes. 

“Don’t try to play dumb.” 

She whirled around towards the stairs, glossy blond curls flipping behind her. 

“Leah, wait!” I screamed, but she didn’t even turn around. I followed her outside, this time looking me in the face. 

“Leave me alone, Dakota,” She said, “I don’t wanna see you again.” 

“Wait, please—” 

But it was too late. I watched dolefully as she headed towards her car and slammed the door, quickly reversing out of the driveway. 

I was a disaster. Everything was a disaster. 

Collapsed against the porch, I suddenly heard the door rustle from behind me. Great. The latest thing I needed was to explain to Mrs. Baker where Leah disappeared to, and why I was hunched over like a heartbroken toddler told no in a candy store. But my eyes widened when I realized it wasn't Mrs. Baker.

“Nixie?” I asked.

"Hey," She sighed.

"Where's Amir?"

“Huh?” 

“Amir? Your boyfriend?” I joked. 

“Oh. Yeah...he left about ten minutes ago,” She sighed, “said he forgot to pick up groceries for his mom or something.” 

“But it’s nearly eleven,” I pointed out. 

Nixie shrugged. 

“Yeah, it is. So anyway, what happened with Leah?” 

I rolled my eyes. 

“She tried to kiss me.” 

“And?” 

“And I didn’t want to.” 

Nixie’s jaw dropped. 

“Dakota!” 

“What?” I demanded, “I don’t even like her like that.” 

“But couldn’t you tell how much she liked you?” Nixie wondered. 

“I had no idea,” I admitted. 

She paused, slowly running her hands through her hair. 

“You are one blind man.” 

“Oh, I’m the blind one?” I asked. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Nixie…” 

I debated what I wanted to say for about twenty seconds, before finally shaking my head. 

“Never mind. Forget it.” 

“No, tell me,” She insisted. 

God, this was hard. But I knew telling her would only put a tear in our friendship, especially now that she was in a relationship with Amir. 

“I can’t,” I said, “I’m sorry.” 

I started to stand up, and her face was a blur of perplexion. 

“Dakota, tell me!” She exclaimed. 

I looked at her eyes; her soft, gentle blue eyes. I wanted to tell her so bad. 

“Nixie,” I began, “I love you.” 

Silence. 

I looked at her for a while, heart racing so fast that I could feel the blood pumping through my veins. Was she mad? Annoyed? I couldn't tell.

“Listen, I don’t expect you to—” 

But I was quickly interrupted when she suprisedly leaned closer, hands fixated on mine. 

“Dakota, I love you, too.” 

I felt her lips brush against mine, the faint smell of strawberry chapstick distracting me from her velvety skin. I was amazed. It felt like a fairytale. 

“What about Amir?” I whispered, pulling back. 

She frowned, eyes narrowed at the pavement. 

“He cheated on me,” She confessed.

I gasped. 

“What? When?” 

She sighed, pulling out her phone to reveal a text message from Raina Seltzer. 

“I found out while you and Leah were upstairs. Apparently they made out last night at a party, supposedly drunk. Emphasis on supposedly."

I watched her face redden, burying her head in her hands. 

“I wasn’t going to tell you until tomorrow because I was just so embarrassed.” 

“Nixie,” I murmured, “I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve that.” 

She peeked up at me a little. 

“Thanks, Dakota. I don’t even know why I’m upset, he was such a douchebag. I’m not even sure if I ever really liked him...I think I just wanted to believe I did.” 

I reached for her hand and squeezed it tightly. 

“It’s okay, Nix. I’m not going anywhere.” 

She looked at me with a happy smile, slowly leaning in for another kiss. 

“I know,” She whispered. 

My muscles relaxed, arms wrapped around her waist.

"My mom made s'mores if you want some," Nixie giggled into my ear, "I know that's kind of the only reason you even came."

"Are you kidding?" I laughed, pushing her hair away from her eyes, "that's far from the only reason."

This time I felt her legs curl around my hips, body resting on my lap. It was me this time. Not Elliot, not Amir; it was me, finally starring in my own fantasy, like it should've been all along. But unlike them, I promised myself that I would never lose her.

Eventually it felt like hours had passed. I was so dazed, that I almost didn’t feel myself being aggressively shaken awake. 

“Dakota!” A familiar voice was shouting in my ear, “can you hear me in there?” 

"Nixie?" I murmured groggily.

My eyes snapped open, and I turned to see Leah, Nixie, and Amir staring at me with quizzical looks.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” Amir laughed. 

“Morning?” I asked.

“You were really knocked out,” Leah explained, “but don’t worry. We got your cheeseburger to-go for you.” 

I shook my head.

"What...?"

"Wake up, man," Amir groaned, giving me a playful shove, "you sound like you came from some alternate dimension. Seriously."

"Sorry," I muttered, rubbing at my forehead, "I just had a really weird dream."

"What was it?" Nixie chimed in, eyes dancing with interest.

I almost couldn't even look at her.

"Nothing," I lied, flashing a fake smile, "it just, um, seemed so real."

Too real.

But it wasn't.