Until Death Do Us Part

        “Did you always hate me, or did it only start when I said I do?”

              “I’d like to think it was when I found that woman in your bed, but we both know it was long before her.”

              “You haven’t answered my question.”

              “Well, you haven’t answered mine.”

              “I don’t know. What would it do to the kids?”

              “I’m not asking about the kids. I only want to know if you want it, not if you want to go through with it.”

              “I feel as though I should say yes. At least, I don’t love you anymore, if I ever did, but when I hear that word, I think of…”

              “Your parents?”

              “Aye.”

              “Well, for whatever my opinion is worth, you’re nothing like either of them.”

              “It means a lot, but I keep making the same mistakes. Every time I look in the mirror, I think about how my hair is neither brown like my father’s or blonde like my mothers, but then, the water splashes away the dye. No matter how I dress up, I’m still their child.”

              “A child that’s better than both of them.”

              “Or that’s taken on the worse traits of both of them, and now, I pass the traits onto anyone near me.”

              “Olivia and Julius are nothing like your parents, even less so than you.”

              “But for how long? Every day I spend with them, I fear what it means to have a father like me.”

              “It means the world to them. It’s why I want you opinion before going through with anything.”

              “And if I said I don’t know, what would you do?”

              “I don’t know. For so long, I’ve pretended this marriage was what I wanted, saying that it made the kids happy, that it made you happy, that it made my parents happy, and that it made me happy, but I can’t continue that lie anymore. Even if it is what’s best for me, I’m not happy with you.”

              “Then you want it?”

              “I don’t know what I want. I always tried my best to make others happy, but what if I’m just putting off the torment? If our kids have to grow up in a family that despises each other, what if…”

              “They turn out like me.”

              “I’d be fine if they turned out like you. I don’t love you, but you’re a fine enough person. You bring in money, you are kind, and for the most part, you do what you think is right.”

              “Except when I don’t.”

              “Yeah, but I was prepared for that. My father cheated on my mother, but they worked through it. What I wasn’t ready for…”

              “Was to despise me?”

              “Yeah.”

              “I’m sorry.”

              “Don’t be. I was far from a perfect wife before then.”

              “But you were a good one and didn’t deserve that.”

              “Maybe I didn’t or maybe I did. As I said, my hatred stared long before then.”

              “I know. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but when I said I do, I saw something I refused to accept. For a brief moment, it was the real you, unfiltered, and you hated me. Did I do something wrong, or could you already see what the future held?”

              “No. I can’t believe you remember that day. You were pretty wasted.”

              “Well, my father paid me a visit that day.”

              “You never told me that.”

              “Yeah, he um, he uh showed up to wish me the best, but then he said something that I’m never going to forget. He said that he was glad I could forget everything that happened to me and have a happy life, but I hadn’t. Every single thing my parents did and said to me, I remember it all, and I began to wonder if I could have a happy life without forgetting. I guess, now we know.”

              “I see. I’m sorry I couldn’t prove him wrong.”

              “No, it might not have been a happy life, but it was a better one than I ever deserved.”

              “Don’t say that.”

              “But it’s true.”

              “No, you do deserve a happy life. After what you’ve been through, you really do, and for the record, when I had that reaction at the altar, I wasn’t thinking of you.”

              “Then who?”

              “It’s hard to explain. You know the saying that when you die your life flashes before your eyes. My mother told me that the reason it does that is because your mind is trying to go through all your previous experiences and see if it can find a way out. When you said I do, my life flashed before my eyes. I didn’t want to marry you. I was doing it because it made people happy, and when my mind tried to find a way out, it realized, this was what I’d always done. Same cycle day in and out. From kindergarten to college, I’d done whatever people had wanted, never having to take accountability for my happiness, and now, I’d doomed myself.”

              “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not doomed. You still have a good forty to fifty years of life. If you want happiness, go get it. Leave me.”

              “But what will that mean?”

              “For the kids?”

              “It isn’t about them yet. To this day, I still feel that I don’t know how to be held accountable for my own happiness.”

              “Well, you can always start now, try to set yourself on a better path.”

              “But what is a better path? Run away to some other miserable marriage? Pretend that I’m not the person we both know I am?”

              “I don’t know that. To me you’re a lot of things. You’re the person who convinced me that I’ll never be able to escape my parents, but you’re also the person who I’ve wronged more than anyone yet still wants the best the best for me. A part of me wants you to rot in some abandoned house, alone for the rest of time, through this life and all after it, but the rest of me knows you don’t deserve that, nor do I want that for you.”

              “Thank you. I… I also don’t want that for you either. You’re not your parents, and I wish there was something I could say to make you believe me.”

              “Me too.”

              “You know, it’s kind of funny. We’ve spent so much time together at this point, we probably know each other better than anyone else. You’re the person I have the most reasons to hate, but at the same time, you know me better than anyone else.”

              “Aye. You’re my greatest enemy but also the only one who I feel understands me. Maybe, that’s why I proposed all those years ago.”

              “Even back then, we had quite a lot of problems.”

              “But we did know each other. I told you things I’d never told anyone. To this day that remains true.”

              “Yeah, if you were anyone else, I doubt I’d have this discussion or rather be able to have it.”

              “Same and if nothing else, I am thankful for that. I can’t say if my life is any better because of you, but it is a life I never thought I’d live.”

              “Yeah, I’m not happy with you, but I don’t think I’d ever reach this point with anyone else. Not even my friends or parents know the truth about me, but you do.”

              “You know, this actually reminds me of the last conversation I had with my dad. He was quite drunk at the time and said something that I’ll never forget. He told me that my mother was the bane of his existence but leaving her was the worse choice of his life. I wonder if they had a similar experience.”

              “You think this is all marriage is, living with someone you hate but understands you better than anyone else?”

              “Not hate. We both know many couples who do love each other.”

              “But not us.”

              “No. Still, you know me in ways I never thought anyone would know me, and as confusing as it sounds, I can’t imagine life without you.”

              “Yeah, me neither. I could leave, but if I did, I don’t think I’d be any better off. Sure, maybe I would be happier, but something tells me I would just fall back into my old habits of pleasing everyone but myself. I might hate you, but when I’m with you, I do feel that I’m alone.”

              “Like you’re drowning, but at least, you’re not alone. At least, there’s someone you can see until everything goes to dark.”

              “In which case we’re dead.”

              “I don’t want to end up like my parents. I want to do better, but deep down, I know we’re born of the same blood. I want to be happy, I really do, and I’ve tried so many times to find peace. Yet, my only success has been with you.”

              “Because you don’t have to pretend that you’re not miserable. With you, it’s almost serene, like a dream.”

              “A nightmare, but if I wake from it, I’ll be alone.”

              “I don’t want that, for either of us. It might not be a happy life, but it is the one I think I need.”

              “Same. So, until death do us part?”

              “Until death do us part.”