LICHT IN DARKNESS

TOO MUCH time had passed. It could be thousands, millions, billions or might be more than that. From the moment of my birth as the ‘Watcher of the Universe’, I had lost count of how many years it has been. How did I become one? What was my origin? Why was I observing the Universes? The answers to these questions were also unknown to me. I couldn't recall it any longer. It left me with no choice but to travel through the Universes without knowing who I was.

I was in constant voyage into this darkness while trapped inside of a systematically transparent sphere. It continued to support me and protected me from the outside forces. It popped up messages every now and then, in such a way that gives me comfort. With this, all things I couldn’t understand will eventually be explained. What it was? Where did it come from? Why was I inside of it? I don’t know. In this situation, it appears that our identity was no longer important. All I knew is I was not alone in this vast space. This sphere helped me cope up; it was my refuge, my friend, my safe haven.

[Next Destination: Milky Way Galaxy, Orion Arm - Planetary Solar System, Planet Earth]

I read the message and glanced at a twin galaxy that I would now leave behind.

I've been orbiting worlds between worlds, from universes to galaxies. I've been observing this whole cosmos that I've still yet to understand. I would occasionally come across a planetary system that had been completely devoured by darkness. It was surrounded by a swarm of black holes. There were no nearby stars alive. It was desolated, cold, and strewn with asteroids or small space objects floating around. I would observe this scenery as I continued to move on.

I'd occasionally see galaxies colliding and destroying their original forms in order to create new ones. I'd see fascinating nebulae that helped illuminate this vast, dark universe. And every now and then, I'd watch the birth and death of a star. These encounters were both terrifying and magnificent. It just makes you wonder how a star can be born from darkness full of gases, and how a star full of light can turn into nothing more than a sucking gravity hole. The entire universe was ruled by chaos, but it remained uniform.

I looked ahead to see how close I was to the Milky Way. I couldn't help but wondered what kind of planetary system I'd come across this time. This spiral galaxy seems to revolve around a supermassive black hole. I also glanced at the nearby galaxy closing in. This galaxy will eventually collide with Milky Way someday. I was certain of it. Would I be still here to observe it?

It made me wonder what would happen to me if the dark matter that holds the universe together collapsed and everything ended. Would I finally stop travelling or would I continue floating alone in this space? 

My senses were assaulted by a sudden shortness of breath and emptiness. My stomach was spewing vile bitterness all the way up to my throat. I had the sensation that something was choking me. I was terrified. Not by the end of the universe, but by the uncertainty of my own existence. I would like to stop. If everything falls apart, I would like to be part of it. I didn’t want to be just an outsider, watching everything unfolding before me. I am an all-knowing entity, yet I am powerless.

[Entering Planetary Solar System]

Enlivened by this message, I moved closer to the glass. There was this kind of feeling surfacing from within me, a familiarity. Somehow, I felt like I've been here before.

We even came across several dwarf planets and tiny Solar System bodies as we approached. Most of it was surrounded by a mantle of rocky ice that was probably made from methane. We went deeper in, and that's when I noticed large planets that appeared to be orbiting a star. It astounded me. I quickly tapped the glass of my sphere to scan the entire Milky Way galaxy for analysis. It was astonishing how most of the planetary systems in this galaxy had a star and planets orbiting it. Each planet had its own orbit, but still managed to orbit orderly around their star.

Like a bunch of kids flocking towards a ball.

Huh? A kid? 

What's that? I suddenly felt a pain around my head, but it was gone before I realized what it was. Because this had happened before, I ignored it and decided to concentrate on the approaching asteroid belt. My carrier danced around the asteroid belt, avoiding both small and large asteroids. I even became concerned that it would hit us despite the fact that I knew it wouldn't.

After we successfully passed through the asteroid belt, the star's light became brighter and closer. The light from this star seems to erase the darkness behind me. This spectacle wasn't new to me though. I've already seen a lot of stars, some of which were ten times bigger than this one. Nonetheless, I enjoyed it. I liked stars, actually. Its light provided me with comfort and motivation to keep going.

I stopped myself from staring the star and noticed the four planets ahead. The blue one, in particular, drew my attention. It was lovely. It appears to be vibrant and alive. It was clear as blue mixed with white that seems a cloud and other various colors. I jumped around as we went near from it. Something inside of me was beating so fast that I almost passed out. Was this the Planet Earth? Was this our main destination? I tapped the glass again and read the information about Earth.

[Earth is the third planet from its star, Sun. It is the only planet known to have life in the entire Solar System. The Earth formed around 4.5 billion years ago. The living beings inside are innovative, adaptable and resilient. They continue to develop in various ways.]

There were living beings on this planet? Was it possible? 

It was teeming with living beings who were both progressive and evolving. I've never seen anything like this before. I scrolled down in the glass and a screen appeared before me. There I saw, in there I observed what kind of living beings inhabits this planet. I just stared at them, too stunned to think. It had hands that were similar to mine. I glanced at my reflection in the glass. I had hair, eyes, mouth, body, feet and hands which were strikingly similar to the living beings of Earth. And I was even more surprised to discover that I knew what these parts of my body were called. I knew that inside my body there was this organ called heart and others that kept me alive. I was just like the cosmos itself, but different. My shock wore off, replaced by sadness.

“What these creatures called?” I asked. I noticed some liquid dripping down my cheeks. Touching it made me immediately recalled what it was. My eyes welled up as more tears streamed down my cheeks. I looked at the message popped up on the screen.

[They're humans.]

“Am I once a human?”

I waited for another message, but it didn't reply. I continued to watch the humans doing their thing. Some were laughing as if there was nothing to be concerned about in the future. Some were engrossed in their writing and reading, content with themselves. Some were crying or becoming enraged as a result of something they could no longer control. Some were sleeping, some were eating, and others were talking endlessly. All these humans were doing any activities they could possibly do, as if their time was running out. The further I watched, the further the loneliness slithered in. I couldn't hold back my tears any longer. 

“Why? Why I am here? Why am I in the outside? Why am I just a Watcher? I don't want this. I want to live like them, too. I want to be normal, too.” 

The sphere remained silent and unresponsive to my mutterings. It left me with feelings of rage and bewilderment, as though it was showing me that I was entirely alone. Was I just deluding myself? Was I only talking to myself the entire journey? Despite thinking this, I continued on.

“Can't… I stay? Please, something or… someone, whatever it is. Answer me please.” I pleaded, gasping in the process. And, to my surprise, the sphere responded.

[You asked me this before, too.]

"I've been here? Is this my second time?"

[This is your fifth visit.]

I bit my lower lip and sobbed even more. It had already happened five times, but I had forgotten. All these times, I've watched Earth for five times and continued to go on. Moving on, watching, and moving on. That was what I've been doing. Not just only leaving the planets, but leaving behind my painful memories. Now, I realized why I couldn’t remember my origins.

“For how long will I observe it?” I inquired as I kept a close eye on the Earth, fearful that it would vanish in an instant.

[Half-orbital period.]

As anger resurfaced, I clenched my fists once more. Half-orbital mean six months Earthian time. It felt so unjust that it irrirtated me.

“That's too short! I've been staying for hundred orbital periods or more to the other planetary systems, why can't I do this with Earth?” I snapped back to it.

[Staying too long here in your origin planet would be dangerous.]

“So, why did I even come here if I couldn't stay long?” I expressed my displeasure. Even though I knew the sphere wasn't to blame, I couldn't help myself. My thoughts had been clouded by frustration, loneliness, anger, confusion, and envy.

[To make you remember. Losing your memories gradually is the cost of travelling for thousands of years. In order to avoid that, this is my solution for you.]

“Why would you do that? It will only make me suffer more! What exactly am I? What are you? Why am I the Watcher? How did I even become like this?” I hugged myself and sobbed once more. It hurts. My heart continued to ache. I wished I could just remove it and place it in a box.

[I am the Protector of the Watcher. I do this because I promise you from the beginning that if you start forgetting yourself, I will make you remember where you came from or even just your name.]

I waited for its next message with bated breath, because I knew. I knew that it would tell me who am I. Perhaps I knew this because I had previously experienced it. After all, this was my fifth visit.

[You are Licht, and you chose to sacrifice yourself to be the Atlas of this planet, carrying its burden. You fought with the Gods from the Higher Dimension to save your planet. Before I became your Protector, I was the Guardian of Earth who supposed to die along with it. Do you remember anything now?]

I was hit by flashes of memories as the sphere told me this. I remembered how the entire Solar System was on the verge of collapsing, and Earth would perish with it. I remembered making a deal with a Higher Dimensional God. I recalled meeting Protector and how it reminded me that I'd be lonely for the rest of my life. I remembered pushing on despite this, accepting my fate in order to prevent my planet's doom. And more importantly, I remembered saying my final goodbyes to my mother and my friends. My last day on Earth, my beloved planet. Joyful memories with them brought all the feelings hidden in my deepest part. I was happy here

“Licht… Licht!”

Warm feelings enveloped me. I finally... I felt satisfied. I was content, even if only for a short time. I smiled, a bitter smile.

“Always remember Licht, you are a light in the darkness. I'm proud of you.”

When I opened my eyes, I have understood again what my duty was. The burden and duty that I would bear until the other Gods from the Higher Dimension decided to end this cosmos. I would carry this again, even if it consumes a lot of time. It could be thousands, millions, billions or might be more than that. Even if I forget, I would always return. I would come back to my home to pick-up the pieces of myself.

“Fairfarren, my love.”

I, maybe, an all-knowing but powerless entity. I, maybe, the Watcher of the Universe or the Atlas of Earth. It won't change the fact that I am Licht in this vast space of darkness.