Me, Myself, And I

My name is Greg. It means to watch in Greek. I have always loved to watch the world, to see how the crowd behaves. Often I wonder why people do what they do.

One thing I have noticed is that making someone jealous seems easier than it looks.

Too make someone jealous they must believe that you have more purpose with the another person you are spending time with than the person that becomes jealous.

I am jealous of the world spinning… You see the world does not need any purpose to spin but as a conscious living breathing human being, my deep dark secret to have a purpose exists deep within me.

I am jealous of Sisyphus. You see the god’s were not actually getting revenge on him. They actually were giving him purpose for an eternity. Sisyphus had been granted eternal life, he had been made a god. But more importantly, he had been given purpose. Everyday he knew that “The Rock” would be waiting.

The same heavy almost immovable rock would be waiting for him. He did not know the exact path he would be taking that long day, but he did know that he simply needed to get “The Rock” to the top of “The Hill”. Then the rock would roll back down and when Sisyphus was awakened he knew it would be waiting for him.

My rock did not exist. The world had left me without purpose. Sometimes my dizziness, physical dizziness certainly made it feel that world would always spin for me. But this did not feel like a purpose. Sitting down on the soft carpet with the room and seemingly the world spinning did not seem like purpose.

You see I have vertigo. Not the kind like Jimmy Stewart had in Vertigo where he as detective had experienced a psychological trauma that caused acrophobia (an extreme fear of heights). He, the hero of the movie, could get over that minor problem.

No my vertigo was caused by acoustic neuroma, a non-cancerous tumor growing that arises from the Schwann cells of the vestibular division of the vestibulocochlear nerve. Wow, I know that is a mouthful.

It basically means my balance and my hearing are slowly being destroyed. They told me, the doctors, that the surgery would solve my problem. Of course they forgot to tell me that 5% or 1 out of 20 the tumor regrows and that hearing loss and facial weakness could result.

Will wasn’t I the lucky one? My non-cancerous tumor regrew and I had hearing loss, vertigo, and a sloping face because of my reverse lottery win.

Of course let me make it clear, I unlike Sisyphus, did not have a purpose before the onset. I was jealous of amazing people that were doing amazing things. I could not do amazing things like running the 4-minute mile or writing the next American Novel. Now I had become jealous of just your ordinary proverbial Tom, Dick and Harry. I tried to have gratitude that I was alive and can still see and have some hearing. I have gratitude for those hours when the world is not spinning.

I was jealous in other ways too. For once could it not be me. I never get my partner to be the one that should be after me. I am always feeling the chase of the other way. I am always the one that someone breaks the date with. I am always the one that is there for the other person.

Jenn told me she got tired of keeping up her image. She would practice in the mirror smiling. She wanted to be model perfect so she balanced books on her head just like she had read. She applied her makeup so that she would be picture perfect. Her coif, her long mane of perfectly in place hair and her smooth skin made her manikin like. Especially when she stood perfectly still. She knew how to move her hips in that imperceptible way that would almost force men to look.

Jenn had always been my best friend even before the event happened. She was gorgeous and she was my ‘wing man’ whenever I went to a bar. Now Jenn, called me a gimp lovingly. Of course never in public. She told me about the plan to make and find my next girlfriend. All I needed to do was to first find my purpose. Secondly to find my confidence. She told me she knew a lot of beautiful women do not necessarily have to have a perfect looking guy. Well, I told Jenn I am certainly not that perfectly looking guy. I am not that guy that is physically amazing.

Jenn told me there are people, women, that are looking for the inside guy. The guy maybe they could help. The guy that rises above the crowd.

Jenn wheeled me into the bar. I felt that would be safer than using a walker in a crowded bar. It was great having such a beautiful woman, both inside and outside standing by me. She immediately attracted the opposite sex, but countered that easily simply by saying she was not here to meet a man. Of course some guys would take that in the wrong way and make the wrong assumptions. But Jenn did not really care.

So one other problem that happened was a small amount of drool. So there was a side mirror on my chair that I often looked at and then grabbed my black handkerchief and wiped that off fast.

Jenn saw a couple of her friends and invited them over. We all sat down at a big black table. Mary a gorgeous and hard-working nurse asked me what I did. I mean here I was the guy in the chair and she treated like I was a normal guy. Like the kind of guy that people would like to talk to. Not some guy that looked like they could barely understand let alone physically answer.

I was always jealous of the guys that were hanging out with a beautiful woman but looked like they should not be with them. Now I began to feel like one of those kind of guys.

You see at first, I guessed I became Mary’s rock. Of course now I say that facetiously. I thought at first that I was her purpose. She was a female Sisyphus. I was her live rock.

In fact I nearly lost her because I didn’t think that there was anything in me that she would want.

As time went on luckily I got to understand that we loved the same kind of music. We believed in the same philosophy of life. She loved children and wanted to have them. I thought to myself, but why me.

I felt jealous of guys that know they deserve who they have. But at some point after a decade, I finally knew that I did not need to be jealous. That Mary truly loved me for what I had become. As my chauffeur drove me to my editors office, Mary called and told me that Cynthia my daughter had nearly been murdered. She was in the hospital and would probably survive. The knifeman had cut up Cynthia’s face something awful. My daughter looked just like her gorgeous mother, so I felt horrible for her and afraid her life and all healing issues.

After several operations, Cynthia’s face still had visible scars. But here is the funny thing, Cynthia dated a lot of guys, even more after the incident. She told me once that nothing worried her about her face because she saw me everyday and the beautiful woman, her mom, that I had married. She told me that allowed her acres of confidence that she would never have to worry about having a great romantic life.

I am grateful for what I have learned and I know I could be jealous of the kind of purpose and drive that Cynthia has. But then I realized, I would just be jealous of myself because she has learned from me how to always be that inside person and it shows up on the outside.

So I have finally found my purpose and it is to exist. Jealous, who me?