To all the days we were together.

You are my october

Whenever the rain pours down my window, i always remember you- 

Your short black hair, 

Your shining eyes, as if the whole galaxy lives inside them, 

Your smile- your true smile which many had never seen.

October- the month of beautiful beginnings but not the best endings

So let’s begin

October 2

Wednesday  4:09pm 

Late autumn afternoon, sun still blazing, finally time to return home from school. 7 subjects, my brain’s overloaded with the lessons. Got on my bike, blasting my favorite song “8teen” by Khalid on my headphones as I rode home. I love the feeling of soft wind blowing through my hair, it feels as if I'm dropping out all the crap that has been stuck in my head for too long.

4:36pm 

Home. After a long day of getting pushed around and basically feeling dumb, with a glimpse of sunlight falling on my face. I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling, paralyzed by my thoughts and I always end up  thinking about the same person- the new girl that came 2 days ago.

She wasn’t like the others, this was something that pulled me towards her. She had pink, soft cheeks, a sweet voice and she was pretty smart. All there was left to think of was something to say- something not too weird.

8:19pm

Time for homework, time for brain abuse. And I feel sick after accidentally swallowing fat. 

11:56pm

It repeats every single night. The amount of pressure that it’s   Something starts squeezing me from the inside, it feels like someone’s sucking up all the light inside of me, making me want to stick a knife right into my chest. My mom says it's just an anxiety attack but it feels like hell. It usually passes after an hour and the only thing that helps is falling asleep. 

October 10

Thursday 9:08am

These cosines and sines are destroying my brain. I do NOT understand the point of learning all these geometric formulas, I’m an artist, I make art - bright colors, abstract shapes, weird characters. That's what I actually am. In my opinion school is created to control us and dump all the leftover knowledge from the past into our brains. At 15, I have so many things I wanna achieve but just not this. 

11:27am 

I somehow did it! Her name is Victoria, Vika for short. She’s Korean.  As soon as we started chatting, I knew she was the one. Our conversation went soo unexpectedly smoothly. We are literally the same! Same jokes, same traumas, same stories and most importantly same music taste and she’s got tons of insecurities just like i do. I just love her laugh and how her eyes sparkle when she smiles. 

We decided to hang out after school, the weather is just perfect for a walk in the park. It’s giving “we fell in October” vibes. Leaves slowly falling from the trees, smell of the fresh and wet grass. It makes me want to actually fall in love.

2:01pm

I'm dozing off again. Mrs Shafoats voice is so calm or I can say too calm, as if she’s also falling asleep.

They misspelled my name again

It’s “Madina” not “Medina”

6:36pm

Best walk ever. I enjoyed every single second of it. It's just our first day of knowing each other but it feels as if I've known Vika for years. 

She told me about her past friendships, how she had gotten betrayed, her first love, who had eventually lost feelings for HER and broke up with her (his loss), how she was beaten by her mom with a stick in her childhood. 

She told me about her insecurities- how she hates her chubby thighs(which I'm obsessed with)and wants to lose weight, how she thinks her voice sounds childish. 

But if she’d see herself with my eyes, she'll see how perfect she actually is.

October 13

Sunday 9:16am

I told her about of my suicidal thoughts, how i cut my hands as punishment.

October 25

Friday 6:38pm

We went to the park again. We fed the ducks by the lake. She told me about her dreams and how badly she wants to make her parents proud and get into a good college. I suggested getting into the same college and to live together. I guess she liked that idea)

December 7

Saturday 1:13am

Staring at the ceiling again. I remember us sitting in silence, I still feel her presence. My body feels as if it's slowly melting every time I remember her last words:

“Til death you are in my heart, after you’ll become a part of my soul”

We had become inseparable. Within these months, she had become the dearest person in my life. We went through a lot. My life turned into a rollercoaster after I ran away from home because I couldn’t handle my parent’s toxic relationship. I stayed at Vika’s house. We did all the bizarre things you can ever imagine! Definitely the best days of my life. But after my parents found me.. I paid the price for what I did.

We started a friendship album- we wrote down all our favorite moments and glued our favorite pictures in it. 

On November 30th, we celebrated her birthday and it was a blast!

The first thing we did was to watch the sunrise. I went to watch Vika rise. As a gift, I made friendship bracelets and gave a bag full of sweets.

We also got chased by a drunk man, who wanted money for vodka.

No matter how much time I spend with, it's not enough for me, I can't get enough of her. Until it all ended.

December 17

Tuesday 2:48pm

She had told me everything, at least that’s what I thought. Vika and her parents had been planning to move back to Korea for the past few years and the time had finally come. She asked me not to contact her, as she wants a fresh start. I was devastated.

On the 8th December, Vika moved out to Korea 

She’s beginning a whole new chapter there, while I’m still rereading the same book over and over again…