I Will Think of You Often

I found myself walking, though I don’t remember exactly when I started. Nevertheless, I kept going, easing through a field. I passed the time watching the wind play with the long green grass as it blew in waves across the vast space. Green waves seemed to ripple right off the Earth and into the blue sky in a mesmerizing and surreal dance. After some time, in the distance, I could see where a forest began. I figured that was as good a destination as any and kept on with my walk. Slipping deeper and deeper into this beautiful world with every step.

As I approached the woods, I noticed a healthy stream to my left, twisting and playing around the roots from the trees that lined the banks. I crossed over a fallen tree and into the forest. It took my eyes a moment to adjust to the shade, and as I got accustomed to the new space, I had a feeling that something special was waiting here for me. I saw the sunshine through the trees, the contrasting darkness of the shadows allowed the light to beam. It illuminated the forest and all the living creatures within it. I watched birds dive and I could hear them sing. I could smell fresh water and forest air. I could feel the grace of the shade on my body. I felt at home.

A few yards ahead, a beautiful green and blue pool of water sat illuminated in the sunbeams. It was big enough for me to jump in. How refreshing, I thought. The water was deep but crystal clear. It looked like a polished aquamarine stone. I plunged in, allowing my entire body to be swallowed up by the cool water. As I emerged, I floated for a moment watching the ripples created by my movements glitter. The reflection of the water sparkled as it reflected onto the leaves up above. The water babbling and bubbling in its own beautiful rhythm. I smiled as I vowed that a part of me would stay here forever.

Eventually, as if compelled by an unknown force, I rose from the water and laid myself down to dry in the warm sun. I looked around to take in the colors of the wildflowers. Purple and white, yellow and pink, orange and red, butterflies and bees bouncing from flower to flower, their wings glinting in the golden glow of the afternoon.

Then, I felt something. Something so warm and so soft. It was fur rubbing against my skin, I looked down and saw her there. It was Elanore. Her beautiful green eyes stared back at me, her typically black fur glowing an almost amber color in the light. “Meah” she said tenderly but somewhat plainly, as if we had just seen each other a few moments ago.

“My friend” I beamed down to her. “I’ve missed you. So much.”

“Well” she purred, “it feels good to be so missed” she wrapped her tail around her as she sat down. She looked around only for a moment, letting her eyes settle back on me. “It is special to be missed, isn’t it?” I reached down to pet her head and scratch in between her ears. She let out the most pleasant meow, an acknowledgement of affection towards my long-lost touch.

“It is” I smiled. “My Grandmother used to tell me that it felt nice to be missed, because it meant your heart is connected to someone else.” My eyes welled with tears, both for the overwhelming bliss in this moment and for the overwhelming melancholy of the intangibility of it. “It’s hard to think I lost you in a place like this… that I’ll never know what happened to you” I whispered as I sunk down and wrapped my arms around my legs. I pulled them to my chest. A safe place to let tears fall.

She chuckled and brought her paw up to her mouth to wet it so she could clean her ears. “In hindsight, I probably wouldn’t have done things that way, but… life has a way of working out just as it’s meant to.” She stretched and nudged her nose on my leg. A familiar indication that she wanted to be in my lap. “Mormor says hello, by the way, she will come see you when you’re ready” she said as she started baking biscuits on my stomach.

“I’ve missed her every day since she left too. More often than not, I can’t think of her without crying. I try to tell myself that it’s not just sadness, that each tear represents a happy memory I wish I could include her in, a conversation I wish we could have, a hug and a smile I wish we could share, but it still hurts. It’s been four years, and it still hurts so fucking much. I lost Mormor and then you, just a few months later…”

A breeze seemed to kiss my cheek like a soft kiss sent to comfort me from my sweet Grandmother.

Elanore jumped down from my lap and chased a butterfly around the trees. I looked to the water and let myself cry for a moment, a rare but welcome moment of release. I began to worry that my friend had left me, but, when I looked for her, I found her looking back at me. A wave of comfort washed over me as I stood up and rushed over to scoop her up and rub my face into her chunky little belly.

“Oh… for goodness sake… can you… do you miiiiiinnnndddd” She teased as she chuckled a little. “Ok! enough… you.. put me down… immediately!”

I obliged, not wanting to push my luck with a cat, even in a dream.

“We were together for 16 years, you know. I never felt so deeply for another soul before you, I felt you and I were connected and meant to be together in this life. Like you were more than an external spirit, and more like you were a part of me.”

“Was it that long? My, time flies when you’re dragging me all over the country” she quipped. Her green eyes slow blinked at me as she continued, more seriously this time though, “My time with you was a magnificent journey, all of it.” She wrapped herself around my legs moving in and out, around and around. “I got to watch you grow from a teenager to a mother. Not only that, but I got to meet and live with both of your kids. I got to travel and see so many things; we went on so many adventures. I adored being with you.”

“Elanore, I wish I could express how much I appreciate you” I said as I scooped her up again. “If it weren’t for you that night… you following me… I wouldn’t have made that call. My life would have ended that night 14 years ago… there wouldn’t be children, I would never have known that beauty can exist in this life… I treasure you, and I know I wouldn’t be here without you, my whole existence is because of you. I’ll never cherish anything more than the opportunity at this life that you gave back to me.”

She cast her gaze over to the water and flipped her tail. Thoughtful for a moment. “That was a scary night...” She pressed her face into my neck and continued “I wasn’t going to let you leave without me, I felt so small, and I didn’t know what to do… so I followed you, to try to convince you to come back. You were so sad. You took so many of those pills and then you left. I didn’t know where you were going or what was going to happen to you… so I just cried for you to turn around…” she let her thoughts travel far away for a moment. “You didn’t even call for help for yourself, you called someone to make sure that I had made it home ok, you were more concerned with my safety than your own, so I had to look out for you… you carried me home and whoever you called sent the police to check on us…”

“You were the most precious thing in the world to me. I was so worried something would happen to you. Even in that state, I couldn’t handle the thought of harm coming to you. I mean, you crossed that busy street at night just to follow me, and you’re all black!” We giggled a little, not to dismiss the seriousness of the conversation but to allow us to ease our way through it.

“All I knew is that wherever you were going, I was coming too, no matter what. I can’t even recall the busy road, all I remember is you walking away and me being afraid that would be the last I ever saw of you.”

“I’m sorry” I whispered to her.

“No… no, friend,” she said as she placed her paw on my chest, “Never be sorry, I saw your life, I saw your sadness, I understood, I just couldn’t bear the thought of existing without you.” I sobbed and held her closer. She pressed her face against mine, her stinky cat breath filling my nose with unparalleled comfort and joy. She rubbed her nose slowly and softly against mine. After purring loudly and unabashedly for a while, Elanore continued, “The boy you took me from, he used to throw me against the wall and hit me. Remember how I used to crawl under the door that connected his room to yours and I would hide in your room with you? I was so scared all the time… Then you and your roommates kicked him out, and you said “Elanore is staying with me. No matter what.” You saved me then. I thought you were so brave, and I was so thankful to be able to stay with you.”

We sat down together by the water, cuddled up, letting our affection and admiration for one another beam through and around us. We let the seriousness of our talk fade and found ourselves reminiscing about fond and familiar memories.

“Do you remember when we lived in the RV and I escaped for a day. Then, when I came back in time for dinner, I brought the three-foot snake inside? That thing was way bigger than me!” She cackled with laughter as she recalled my face turning white as I fainted onto the couch.

“Elanore, do you remember when I had my first baby and he would cry and cry and cry and you would follow me around howling, as if I was somehow missing all the screaming coming from the little person?”

“Do you remember…” memories filled the air as we shared stories and enjoyed reminiscing about moments in time experienced by us and us alone.

The light started to sink and glow through the spaces in the trees. Night would fall here as the world I live in would start to come alive for the day.

Absentmindedly, I started humming the tune to Warren Zevon’s “Keep Me In Your Heart” she joined in, singing alongside me....

“Sometimes when you’re doing simple things around the house, maybe you’ll think of me and smile. You know I’m tied to you like the buttons on your blouse, keep me in your heart for a while…”

I held her closer, knowing I’d soon have to go back to my life without her. She licked the side of my face and rubbed her head all over mine.

“Seeing you has brought me immeasurable joy. I miss you every day.” I wept into her fur.

She kissed me one final time and jumped down. She walked towards a little bridge, the sun illuminating a field through some trees across the way. She turned back before walking across the bridge and said, “I miss you too, but know that I think of you often, and I hope you will feel that with you always”. Then she was off through the field, trotting towards the figure of a woman. My Mormor, I hoped. The figure scooped Elanore up into her arms, and a dog bounced happily around them. I felt the warmth of their energy radiate through me as I felt myself slipping away from this world and back into mine. Reluctant to go, I kept my eyes closed, and promised, “I’ll keep you all in my heart until I can hold you all again.”