To Remember or Not

(Content warning for memory loss and dissociation.)

It started with me solving the final puzzle, and unlocking the final lock.

It was like a fever dream. Hours of mindless research over and over again had led up to me reaching my final destination – this library. A library nobody had access to up until now. Up until I found it, until I unlocked what was behind those twenty something doors.

Heavens above, I was proud of myself for once. I felt the slightest bit fulfilled. It left me in shock, and gave me a shot of adrenaline. I couldn’t exactly put into words the entirety of my emotions as my eyes darted across rows and rows of logs, of diaries. Things that had never been seen by anyone besides me. Things I was now capable of learning myself.

The walls appeared infinite, almost literally so – books went on farther than I could see, fading off into black. The entire room was dusty, and the air was thick. There was enough light to make out the covers of some books here and there, but a few were nearly invisible from certain bulbs having gone out. The walls were overgrown with trumpet vines and roses and weeds, leaving a nice contrast of color to the deep, dark brown walls.

The library was owned by something inhuman, I’d read. It was stated on the plaque on the wall right before I had reached the room, hanging just next to the door, slightly up. I couldn’t give you a name, as it had been scratched out. I could only assume whatever owned this place before, didn’t want to be recognized for its feats.

Some of these books didn’t have titles, while others had complex names that occasionally weren't in English. Some had titles that repeated, and others were scratched out just like the name on the plaque. There were books that ranged from things as casual as metal detecting, to stuff as deep as childhood memories. Mostly memories, though.

Pulling out a book about bike riding, I opened it, glossing over the pages. The subject felt familiar to me, for whatever reason, although I never remembered learning to ride a bike. Putting the book back, I searched for something else, in the hopes that I could maybe lose that awkward feeling.

One particular book caught my attention. It was yet another one of memories, dated in the early 2000s, something I wouldn’t care about otherwise. Yet I was curious, and I took hold of the book, skimming through pages that also felt familiar. Things that felt like they’d happened to me already.

It had subjects surrounding boat rides and fishing, random blurbs of things that were otherwise irrelevant. Some pages were about bugs found in a nearby pond, and others were about blackberries and honeysuckles the writer found fascinating. One page was even highlighted in yellow, talking about the writer’s experience with finding a fish in a stream just behind their house. It was all small, short blurbs of memories with not much significance.

All of these writings felt vaguely familiar to me, the same as earlier. Before I had the chance to really question what I was feeling, however, I was knocked out of focus by what sounded like a bang. Something must’ve fallen off the shelves nearby. Eerie, but not worth investigating. Not at the time.

I continued to look around the room. More books on the past that I didn’t remember, but felt vague connections to. They all intrigued me, but I had to wonder why. Was it because I was already familiar with these topics once before?

I’d never ridden in a boat, nor had I visited any locations near the ones specified in the books – but I was familiar with them. I had vague memories of reading about these places somewhere, I believed, but I couldn’t tell where. Perhaps some sort of infographic? I couldn’t recall. Either way, the memories were there, just not anything the same to what was described in these writings.

Putting the book back where it was, my attention was caught by something rustling in the back of the room. Turning to face the sound, which was just behind me, I’d heard footsteps approaching. I didn’t panic, however, as I was aware that this place shouldn’t have been entirely abandoned. Simply clasping my hands together in front of me, I straightened up, hoping to appear approachable rather than as a threat.

What approached wasn’t human, and was only what I could assume to be the creature that kept this place how it was. It was all shadow and had no mouth, though it did have two blue eyes that stood out amongst what was otherwise nearly invisible in the dimly lit room. Its hands were also clasped, and it looked only moderately upset at my presence.

With a sigh, it stopped in front of me, and began to speak. “So. Are you content with what you’ve found?” Was all it asked, very poised and mature. It was clearly older than me. I was a little shocked that a creature with no mouth could speak, but that wasn’t the craziest thing I had experienced in my life. 

I couldn’t find an answer through words, so I shrugged, dropping my hands back down to my sides. It seemed somewhat displeased by that, squinting its eyes at me and glancing over at the shelf I stood next to. We stood in silence together, just for a moment, before it spoke up yet again.

“My name is Hemlock.” It stated. “I think you find my books interesting, at least. You’ve read a couple, at this point, so I’m sure they intrigue you.” Its eyes fell back on me, and I could feel myself tensing up. Things had started to blur, just a bit, and it messed with my head.

“All of your books feel familiar.” Was all I could say for a reply. This made it smile – or, what I figured was smiling – as it nodded his head.

“You’re catching on. Do you know who all these books belong to?” It cocked its head to the side, and I felt as though it was staring daggers into me.

“You?” I questioned in reply, hesitating as I did so. All I got was a light chuckle from the creature, though it didn’t feel as if it was judging me. Not that I was ever good with social cues.

It walked over to me, which admittedly, had freaked me out just a tad. It didn’t seem to pay attention as I flinched, reaching next to me to grab a book instead. The book’s title was very simple, one word even, and it was about moving homes.

I noticed, as it reached over, that its hands were like claws. Somehow, despite being nearly invisible, I could see the age on them both. The creature was clearly way older than me.

“Technically, it belongs to both of us, me and you. We worked on these books together. I’m shocked you don’t remember – this was our secret, after all.” The creature stated. It left me a little confused, as I didn’t remember being here before. At that moment, I believed it was wrong.

“You must be thinking of someone else. I’ve never touched a book in my life, much less written one.” I replied, a small laugh leaving my lips.

“No. I am thinking of you, exactly you. I don’t know what name you might go by now, but when we were partners, your name was Core.” It explained. “Must be the amnesia. A lot of the people around here have it, so I would not be shocked if you did too.”

Amnesia. I wondered if that was why all of those books felt familiar, even despite not having the life experience. Maybe I’d forgotten it all. Surely Hemlock was wrong, though, wasn’t it? It was fooling me, for whatever reason it may have.

I was going to ask why I was the only one who was able to find this place, but before I could speak, Hemlock cut me off.

“The reason you’re here, is because I led you here. I wanted you to find this place. You didn’t know on your own, we simply shared thoughts for a while.” It nodded, closing its eyes in contemplation. “How about we sit down and chat? Come have a seat with me.”

Before I could really respond, cut off in the middle of an attempt at speaking, Hemlock walked off to a table not too far from where we were. I followed shortly after it, sitting myself down across the table. It was somewhat awkward, yet simultaneously comfortable, although I had no clue why. It seemed there were a lot of things that contradicted each other in this library – it felt unreal.

It spoke first.

“I’ve watched you for a while. There’s a reason there are so many books here; I know so much about you, and about the people here.” It paused, waiting for a reply. I didn’t give it one. “How does that make you feel?” It asked.

I hummed, staring down at my feet that hung slightly off the ground. The chairs were just too tall for me. It took a long period of silence for me to really speak up, and even then, my voice was quiet.

“I don’t know what you mean. It makes sense, I guess, since you’re…” I trailed off, motioning with my hands to show just how little this guy’s form made sense to me. It nodded in understanding, though stayed silent. So, I continued on. “Are you implying you’re some sort of deity?”

This got him to speak up. He shook his head. “No, no, I’m not a deity of any kind. Maybe compared to you, I would be, but in general? No. I’m the same as you, just with special privileges you don’t have.”

I huffed, tilting my head to look at the plant life hanging down the walls. The room felt just a little bigger, despite its already infinite structure. Kind of like space.

“So how do I know any of this is real? How do I know you’re not lying to me about these ‘memories’?” I questioned. My tone was harsh, albeit unintentionally. I still didn’t understand anything that was going on, and I wasn’t exactly a believer in magic or any of these shenanigans. Sure, maybe I could have lost my memory through some sort of physical trauma, but casually forgetting an entire life on a whim? Impossible, in my eyes.

Hemlock seemed annoyed at me by this point, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. It didn’t take long for him to “snap,” rolling his eyes and, quite literally, snapping his fingers. In an instant I was pulled into some kind of memory, putting myself in a situation that was as clear as day. 

The boat ride I’d read about; it felt like it had actually happened to me. I was there when it occurred, and I remembered being terrified of how fast the boat was going. Water was already scary enough, but being out on it was a worst fear of mine. The scent of the ocean and the texture of the boat was all so vivid in my mind. It was real.

As soon as I snapped out of whatever trance I had been in, I gripped my chest, a little panicked from what felt like a real encounter. Looking up at the thing that had just subjected me to that, I winced, realizing in that moment that perhaps it was right.

“So, how was that? Do you understand what I am saying now?” It tilted its head slightly to the side, an uncomfortable expression on its face. “I am not lying. This may seem unreal to you, but I promise, it is the truth. I cannot make up memories, that is beyond my capabilities. I can, however, return them to you as I please. At least, now that you’re in our domain, I am able.”

Gathering myself, I let go of the grip on my chest, finally settling down. If what this man said were true, then everything up until this point had been a lie, right? Unless I was somehow living some sort of double life. That wasn’t my only concern, though. If amnesia was so common among the population, what were other people forgetting?

“What about everyone else? You said other people experience this amnesia too, right? Do you have their memories here too?” I was worried I was asking too many questions, but Hemlock didn’t seem to mind.

“Their memories are stored here as well, yes. They will get those memories when they deserve them. The same as you.” Its eyes indicated that it was at least conceptually smiling, and I could do nothing but stare. While I stayed silent, Hemlock continued on. “Would now be a bad time to tell you that you all share the same memories?”

Surprisingly, I felt nothing at this revelation. No shock, no excitement. If anything, it felt somewhat typical, for whatever reason.

“So, you’re telling me we’re all the same person?” I asked, my words calm despite the situation.

“Not really. In a way, yes – but also, no. You are all still your own people, the memories are simply shared.” It replied, with an equal amount of calm. “I am surprised you’re so relaxed about this. Normally, people panic.”

I shrugged. I also had no clue why I wasn’t as shocked as I probably should be. Then again, when you’re already told you had a second life you completely forgot about, is anything really a surprise after that?

I readjusted in my seat a little bit before I came up with a proper response, deciding that now would be a good time to go home.

“I want to go home now.” Was all I said. Hemlock’s smile faded, and he closed his eyes, motioning with one hand to a door that was nearby. It wasn’t the same one I’d come in from, but it was labeled “exit” in big, bold, red letters.

“If you wish to leave, go through there. Although I do want you to know that you can always come back, from this point forward.” It said, standing up and reaching in its pocket for something. Out came a set of keys, which I assumed would unlock every door leading up to this point. It handed them to me, bowing as it did so. 

“Thank you.” I hesitated, but took the keys from it anyways. I didn’t exactly plan on coming back, but…

“It was nice getting to see you again, Core.” It spoke, before I could finish my thoughts. Looking away from the keys, which I’d zoned out while staring at, I noticed Hemlock was smiling again. It looked upset; not that I planned on comforting it. I didn’t know this guy, as far as I could remember.

“Yes. It was nice getting to know you as well.” Was all I could come up with for a reply, as I looked away and headed towards the exit. Taking one last glance at Hemlock, I nodded, and so did he. Without a single emotion, except maybe a mild sadness, I headed out that door, and…

Suddenly I woke up again, to where I am now.

I am sitting in a small room, with little décor and a surprising lack of cleanliness. I don’t remember being this dirty, but I also don’t remember this place at all. I was never here, but this body felt like mine. Even if the long hair and dirty clothes don’t fit my personality at all.

I stand, and I make my way to the bathroom. I stare at the reflection in the mirror for a moment, and something clicks. This is what Hemlock meant when it said I have amnesia, isn’t it? I’m back home, but this isn’t the home I so carefully put together in my mind. This is a home that once belonged to somebody else.

I don’t exactly know if I’m meant to be here. Maybe that library of memories will serve a purpose after all.