Obsolete

I wished for the release, but it never came. Numbed and buried beneath the icy waves. Walked amognst them, tall and proud. A corner of my heart remains the same. A corner is all that is left in her love of you. I don't, but my heart forever will. I don't need your touch, but I crave the roaring in my ear, of the shivers down my spine when my name leaves your lips. I am wrong in every way, especially for you. I can see in it your gaze and even when you look away. I can't help but dream, dream into my endless nights of a light that never shone my way. Numbed and buried inside of my head, I long for the day I could see you again. Not for the roar and not for the release, but for the gratitude of the joy you gave me. I was wrong and so were you, but in the chaos I truly cared for you. But these words, my own curse, are numbed and buried and now forgotten, in the tombs of yesterday, I pray for the today when I can say, even though I know my love is a burden, I have loved you all the same.

Why didn't I see, that my heart was the dagger. Bleeding out whilst you looked on, knowing that to save me you'll have to face the cause. My cause was young and foolish and drunk. My cause was selfish and yours has eluded me. For the roller coaster that flashed by in an instant left me dazed and confused. I could not see clearly.

I can work through the haze now, but I can't seem to find you. For this haze is now my blessing, I have a substitute for release. I have burying and numbing down what I felt and what I know and what can be and what could have been, all because this haze in now my reality. My haze allows me to not see clearer but to enjoy the mist, the cold misty mornings that were my youth. To not see clearer but to navigate better in the eternal mist that hangs under my eyes.

None of which makes much sense to me, for I was alive but barely breathing. The cost of understanding was to much to bear. I looked but could not see. I remember the pit in my stomach as if it were alive, scratching and tearing up my insides. The monster that was me, that kept me going on, disappeared the day I left you. I never said goodbye, I didn't look back. Even though your eyes said you'll miss my monster, she was no longer their for you, so to spare you the trouble of seeing her dead, I left and never turned back.