Signs of Regret

Saying goodbye to those I care about has always been a weakness of mine. It is a necessity to now. My dreams have been keeping me awake for years. I realize that makes no sense, but to me it does. Lying awake at night trying to find any possible way to succeed. Now, as I have said goodbye, I wonder if it is really worth it. I had to say goodbye to the love of my life, but it was much more painful than a simple goodbye. I told him that I was leaving because he was worthless. He was worthless and I would never make it anywhere with him. He dragged me down and everything that happened to us was a waste of time as I didn't love him. The look on his face told me I had done it, I had broken his heart. Nothing I said was true of course. I was moving across the country and he had just started his dream job. I didn't want him to follow me as he promised he would. I wanted to see him succeed and to be happy.

His family helped me move despite his feelings toward me. They knew how I really felt, that didn't change the fact that he felt betrayed and broken. We didn't hear from him at all over the 3 days we spent moving me in. On the last day, we got one call that changed our lives, one phone call that killed me.

He’s gone, he’s gone and it has to be my fault. It has to be my fault because if it isn’t then it was nobody’s fault. It cannot be nobody’s fault. I was supposed to be with him but I left so it’s my fault. I said those words so it is my fault. Over and over again they try to convince me that it wasn’t my fault and he chose to do it. Well, I chose to say it, I chose to leave him and hurt him in the worst way possible. He ended his own life after I moved away to live my dream. Thanks to what I’ve done, my dream is over. 

He was alone that night, his family was helping me move into my new house in my new city and I told him I didn’t want him there. What I didn’t tell him was that I didn’t want him there because it hurt too much to say goodbye twice. Now I won’t be able to say hello again and I wasn’t even invited to his funeral. They said it was because I haven’t been mentally stable. They’re wrong though, I am perfectly fine and they are just lying to me. 

They keep telling me it’s not my fault and keep trying to send me back to my new house. I just want to help them and they keep refusing, yelling to me that it is not my fault. Why don’t they get it that I just want to help them? His family is all that I have left of him. They don’t want me anymore but where would I go. I’m not the only one asking this question, they beg of me to let them know as I pack my bags. My family abandoned me and screamed in my face that he wasn’t worth it. Well now I don’t have them and he’s gone.   I know they believe it, they believe I am a murderer. How could I be, I loved him so, it could never be my fault. 

The voices in my head are a battle of feelings of right and wrong. One is a faint whisper, it repeats to me that it is not my fault. One other is shouting at me, blaming me for everything I’ve done. The third one is gone, the one that once told me everything would be alright. The fourth and final one is crying, wallowing in self-pity, wanting to feel only good things or nothing at all. I lost my job, they claimed I wasn’t in the right headspace, but that isn’t right. I just needed a little time, I’m okay now, it was all just a dream. It was just a dream, right? How could the only person that was there for me be gone? 

It was just a dream, right? He wouldn’t choose to leave me, he loved me. Maybe he didn’t, how could he love a monster like me. Maybe he couldn’t live with a person like me anymore. I need to fix it, it’s my fault so I need to fix it. My journal is my only escape as I write down these words continually. It’s just a dream, he’s at the store and I’m not on the streets. It’s just a dream, he’s taking a shower and I’m not at a hospital. It’s just a dream, he’s cooking breakfast and I’m not starving. 

It isn’t good enough anymore, even though I’m dreaming he isn’t with me. He’s busy and I can’t be away from him. My breathing becomes shallow and my thoughts insane. My next words are my first in months and my last, “I’m waking up soon, I promise.” 

The next morning, the nurse walks to her room to find her with her love. The same way he went, she went. The last thoughts that were written in her journal were, “To leave this horrid dream, they told me I have to leave the same way he left. It’s just a dream, he’s just a dream, he went to visit my grandfather and I’m not alone. It’s just a dream…” Even in her death, the dream did not end. His family started to see it from her eyes and blamed her. Somebody had to be blamed after all. No one came to her funeral, his family blamed her for his death and her own. Her family blamed her, blamed her for the house fire that killed them all 12 years ago, and blamed her for her own death.