Every Other Lifetime

*Warning Sensitive content*

*Contains: Infant loss, sickness, and death *

1953

Looking at the empty living room it all hits me, one day this entire house will be nothing but an empty lot of old nails and the shadow of our once happy marriage. I feel that inevitable sorrow creeping up in my chest thinking about what was to come in the next few days. 

The upstairs that once used to be filled with her laughter and now sounds painful silence and heavy breathing every four seconds. I know I should be up there holding her hand or at least staring at her for the last couple of moments I had left with what keeps my heart beating. I fear that when she finally closes her eyes for eternity my heart will give out. If I'm being honest I secretively pray for that. If I'm being completely honest the reason I'm not up there right now is because I'm mad. I'm furious I lost him too, I lost my son. I buried my baby and now I'm going to bury my wife too. 

I remember her dancing around the kitchen after he took his first full bottle. It was a glow only a mother could have, a feeling only a father could enjoy watching. The day we lost him I knew this was coming, I knew the family we built from the ground up was going to cease to exist in only a short amount of time. 

I think a part of me knows that this is it, this will be the end of everything including me. When I parked the truck today I touched the passenger sent one last time. The overbearing feeling that today is the day, that it is finally the day my world comes to an end. 

Walking through the kitchen to put the flowers I picked earlier today in a vase, I take in our dining room that's just big enough to fit our small square table. The last dinner we had here before our world shattered was Cornish hens and mashed potatoes. That taste still lingers in my mind. She laid the baby down for bed but was taking much longer than it usually took to put him down. I was getting up out of my chair to find out what was going on when I heard her coming down the stairs. She wasn't wearing what she was before. 

She was wearing a light pink sun dress that flared every time she walked. Of course, she was barefoot with her unhinged pinky toes showing, but she looked as beautiful as the day I met her. She made me go weak in the knees before I knew it I was stumbling to pull her chair out. Her laugh was like a drug to me, she sat across from me occasionally looking at me with a glimmer of mischief like she had something planned. 

That was the last time I saw that look in her eyes, that family dinner that just consisted of Her and I. It was the most important meal that I would ever have. I wish I had known that then, So I could have soaked up every last moment. I feel the stairs beneath me as I take each step up to the empty hallway that was once the way to our bedroom. All the full plants that lead you to each room are now crispy and dead. The dust has finally covered the walls and overtaken some of the old picture frames. Hearing the words "she threw her arms around him and whispered God will keep us free" coming from the bedroom it draws me to walk faster.

I've heard the different pieces of that line all week long and it's grown to be my favorite sound other than that familiar laugh. 

Touching the door knob to our bedroom I stop to listen to hear the woman who was much more than a maid speaking to my wife in the softest voice. "You know Mrs.Raiola I've been told all my life that a special love between two people is the kind of love that can be seen by everyone like a force that is so powerful you can feel it" wiping the hair from in front of my now boney and bedridden wife's face. "You and Mr.Michael have the love, the kind of love that finds each other in every life" She took a breath before she continued " You'll meet again, but I pray every night you see how much you mean to this world and you pull through" I lay my head against the door and listen to the delicate speech that is given by the woman behind the door. 

Reaching down gently caressing her hand and speaking again "I know that baby is waiting on you Ms.Belle, and I know that it's your time now" kissing her hand gently. I hear her footsteps walking towards the door, I know this is when I should pretend I'm not listening and walk away but I can't. The door opens and I'm frozen, "I am so sorry Mr. Michael I had no idea you were there" I quietly smile at the thought of those being her true feelings towards my wife. "That's okay Ma'am, I enjoyed hearing you speak to her like you used to" She doesn't respond instead she wraps her motherly arms around me and whispers something that took me by surprise. " I promise you Mr. Michael I will make sure you will always find her, for all of eternity" Before her words sink in she whispers something else. "It is okay to let go" with a kiss on the forehead those were the last words she ever said to me. Some may think she meant to let her go but I knew what she meant.

The unspoken words let me know her time was here, I knew it was coming but I prayed it would delay and it would let me have her just a little bit longer. I couldn't blame her, ever since the day we lost him I've been thinking of the many ways I could leave this place.

Taking my boots off and crawling in the cold stale bed I take my wife's hand into my own. I Run my finger over the middle finger that used to hold her tight-fitted wedding band, it is so loose now it twists around. 

I wrap my arms around her tiny frame and begin to speak "She could hear the riders coming, she said this is my last fight" feeling her breath become more shallow until it is gone completely. I let out the cry Ive been holding since the day I heard her scream from upstairs. Before I know what is coming out of my mouth I'm begging God to take me too. I hold her tighter and close my eyes, praying that this was a nightmare that went on longer than should,  

Before I knew it my eyes had drifted closed but I could never sleep at a time like this but now there was no more sadness or pain. 

I see them both sitting at our square plain dining table, my wife smiling at our baby, our sweet baby boy. Both beaming with a beautiful light.

"Come on Michael, it's on to the second chapter of eternity" Her angelic giggle rings through her words.  

2023

Swiping through another newfound dating app while lying across the ground after PT. Something catches my eye, A blonde-haired woman with a cowboy hat over her face. The biography that tells about her read the words, "Chapter Two". Blinking a couple of times I try to figure out what that means to me. 

Needing to see more I swipe further, When I look at the next picture of her in a beautiful pink sun dress it hits me and knocks the breath out of me. There she was 

Touching the screen I whisper something I never thought I would, " I found you again"