The Room was Bright and Laughing

He put his hand over mine and they looked so old. No one will even want them, I said, they’re dated. He said that wasn’t the point and walked over to the small white dresser by her bed. Let’s start with her shirts, he said. And I said her shirts were in the tall dresser by the window. He put a shaky had on her bed for support, and I could hear his knees creak as he stood.

The last time we were in this room together he could have carried that bed over his shoulder.  

Top drawer? he asked. No, I said, the third down. He opened the drawer and pulled out a pile of little shirts. And then the room changed; now it was different from the last time she was in it and so it wasn’t hers anymore. I started to cry and he came over to me and sat down. He said, We knew this wasn’t going to be easy, Elle, but you’re doing a great job.

The shirt at the top of the of the pile was a yellow one with a smiling duck on the front. I thought, if only this duck knew—everything in this room seemed so unexpectant of tragedy.

I could see him looking at me out of the corner of my eye.  He had on that same look when he found me in the closet holding a dress-made noose. He put his hand on my shoulder. Elle, he said, she’s not here.  He took the shirt from me and went to put it in a black garbage bag. No, Christ, no, I said, I brought boxes, they’re downstairs. I went to stand up but he said he would get them. He left the room and I listened for his footsteps to reach the bottom of the stairs. I stood up and walked to the door and locked it. I turned back into the room.

On her bedside table there was a framed picture of us. I went to pick it up and saw that the dust around it had been shifted.  I heard him coming back upstairs and then I heard him gently trying at the door handle. Elle, he said from behind the door, come on. So, I said, you have been in here. He didn’t say anything at first. I waited for him to deny it, but then he said, once, when I was drunk, but I didn’t take anything. He said, Elle, you told me I could keep the house if I promised to keep the room just as it was, and I did, I have.

I knew he was telling the truth, because he had let the rest of the house go to pieces. There were cracks up the walls, the wood floors were black and warped, a musty smell had come up through the vents. The whole house was falling apart expect for this room, this room was the same, even structurally, like the house was kinda’ helping to keep the promise too.

I picked up the picture and looked at us. Hi, sweetheart, I said, beautiful, beautiful little sweetheart. I never stopped thinking about you for one second, I said. I just couldn’t come back here, you know? But I never forgot, no ma’am, and when your dad said that I moved on, baby, that wasn’t true. I didn’t move on, I just kinda' kept on surviving. I met another man, I did, and it wasn’t your daddy, I know, but your daddy wasn’t your daddy after, baby. And this new man, he was as nice a man as they come. And he gave me your sisters, and all growing up they asked about their big sister, and all growing up I told them. Well, they’re a lot older than you are now, and have babies of their own, but you’re always their big sister watching over them, protecting them, I know.

I put the picture back down. I heard him from behind the door again. Elle, he said. Just one more minute, I said. The sun was coming through the window, which was strange, you know, because whenever I pictured the room, it was shrouded in gloom, same with her, I guess. But that’s not how it was, not with this eastern facing window. The room was bright and laughing, and I remembered how I chose the colors just for that reason.

I opened the door and let him back in. His eyes were red and he kind of shrank away when I opened the door, and for a second I recognized the boy again. I’m sorry, I said. He said, don’t think another minute on it. He had the boxes folded flat under his arm and said, it took me a while to find these, boxes that aren’t square. He smiled a little. He put them down in the center of the room and started putting them together. All to Goodwill? he asked. No, I said, But I’m going to mark each of them. I wasn't paying attention to him, really, I was looking at the door frame where we had marked her height. I followed the notches inch by inch, and when they stopped at three and a half feet, my eyes kept climbing.

Okay, he said, they’re ready. He pulled one of the boxes next to the pile of shirts and sat back down. I joined him on the floor and he said, so how far will Pebble Beach be from Tessa and, he couldn't remember my son in law’s name. I stopped him and said, I don't

want to talk about anything else outside of this room.  He nodded. He reached for the shirts and I stopped him. Elle, he said, it's time. And I said, can you put them back where they were? Just for a second, then I promise we will pack them all up. He looked at me and then gave me that crooked smile I used to love. He got up to put the shirts back and I said, Sit back down with me after.

He put the shirts back exactly as they were and walked back over, grunting a little as he squatted down next to me. I took his hand in mine and held it.  We didn't say anything else. We just sat there together for a while in the unchanged room.