Plenty of Space in a Suitcase

‘So, that’s the plan. Squeeze your life in a suitcase and trek about on the continent for a few months?’ James, topping up the korma in his slow cooker with coconut cream, asked his younger brother.

‘That’s about the sum of it. After what Maggie and her lawyer did to me, shouldn’t be much of a squeeze. A holdall bag should do the trick,’ Luke, sat on a kitchen stool on the other side of the stone counter, answered breezily.

As he stirred the korma and looked at his brother, a glimmer in James’s dark brown eyes coincided with the forming of a wide smile, as though he had bumped into an old friend after years of separation.

The humorous intent in Luke’s reply, if given several months ago, would have been rendered invalid by resentment; just a couple weeks ago, though a lightened tone may have aided the delivery, a hesitance in the eyes would have still given away a lingering weight on the soul. Now though, his brother had spoken of his mistreatment at the hands of his ex-wife with a sense of genuine detachment, for the first time as far as James knew.

Luke’s first two years of marriage had gone well. Then, out of nowhere, Maggie, with a growing presence of pride and corresponding absence of empathy, subjected her husband to three years of a gradual and meticulous attempt to destroy his sense of self and render him nothing more than a servant to her whims. Eventually, one evening, after an argument whose cause belongs to another story, Luke took a stand. Infuriated by his presumption, Maggie gave him the option of performing a grovelling apology or becoming divorced before the age of thirty. Luke, seeing the age an irrelevance, and the ultimatum a blessing, chose divorce.

The process was nasty. It took what little piece of confidence Luke had clung to. For a while, the recesses of his hollowed-out soul became squatter’s dens for all sorts of unhealthy feeling.

His family, distraught by the damage inflicted on him, were unwavering in their efforts to help Luke help himself out of the mire. They were proud of the work he put into the process. Although friends and acquaintances were complimentary of his seeming reformation after a time, his family sensed the residual bitterness and sorrow that still troubled him, which in turn troubled them. So far in his interaction today, James hadn’t sensed either.

After supping a spoonful of korma sauce and nodding with approval, James put the lid back on the cooker. ‘You know if you’d told me this even two weeks ago, I wouldn’t have let you go,’ he said, with a careful infusion of sibling teasing to reduce any sense of overbearing in the protective concern.

‘You know I wouldn’t have let you stop me,’ Luke replied to the teasing. ‘I’d have been back a fortnight later to apologise and let you know you were right though,’ he followed to show he understood and appreciated the concern.

‘In all seriousness, you’re looking and sounding good. If this is going to be a regular thing, I’ll be chuffed to finally have my little brother back, even if that means you’ve got to disappear a while first.’

‘I’m feeling good. Great, actually,’ Luke replied. He took a moment to appreciate this was the first time his answer, which he’d given many times before, was unaccompanied by the mental effort required to tell a lie. ‘I don’t want to get too serious myself, but I really am grateful for your help through all this. Tess, too,’ he carried on. ‘I know I made things difficult at times.’

‘Things have been difficult for you. For us, it’s been simple. We want you to be happy. Watching Maggie torment you and isolate you from us was more than difficult though,’ James answered, directly.

‘Don’t go holding this over my head, but you are a top-notch older brother.’ Luke responded, unable to keep the wholly light-hearted tone.

‘You know full well I’m going to have to store that one away for a rainy day,’ James replied, smiling and nudging his brother’s shoulder.

‘That’s fair enough,’ Luke laughed. ‘I know it’s only a few months, but I will miss you, man,’ he added.

‘We’re all going to miss you, too. Take it you’ve already told mum and dad?’ Luke said he had, and that they expressed similar pleasure at his present state of mind. ‘I’ll leave it to you to tell Katie and Tom. They’re going to miss you the most.’

‘I reckon if I promise to bring back enough toys they’ll be OK,’ Luke answered casually, though the thought of not seeing his niece and nephew for a few months did bother him.

‘Let’s hope so,’ James answered. After a quick glance at his brother, he used the washing of starch out of the rice in the pot in the sink as an excuse to turn his back on him. He didn’t want Luke seeing the deliberation alter his features as he tried to decide if the question that he wanted to ask would be helpful. He made small talk while washing the rice. Luke’s upbeat responses helped James’s decision. First, he had Luke try a spoonful of the korma sauce. Luke was impressed. ‘You don’t have to tell me, but I do have to ask,’ James then began. ‘What’s caused this breakthrough?’ he asked, keeping a softness in his eyes to hide his intent of studying his brother’s answer for signs of the turnabout being fleeting.

‘Sincerity, man,’ Luke first replied. Understanding his answer, which made perfect sense to himself, needed fleshing out for others to grasp, he expounded.  

In his desire to dust himself off and pick himself back up, Luke, on top of a stellar physical effort, read all kinds of books and watched all manner of philosophical and motivational videos. Eventually, he was able to keep up the pretence of a regenerated soul in his day-to-day life. The sense of hollowness and bitterness lurking in him seemed unshakable though. The required effort to try and hide it, would have him burnt out and lying alone in the dark full of anguish at least one evening a week.

Then, every Saturday morning, he would visit James and Tess. Almost immediately upon arrival, his niece or nephew would accost him. If Katie saw him first, she’d grab his hand and take him to her wooden toy café set, complete with a toy cappuccino maker, and with one of her paintings always clipped to a cork board hanging from the side of the wooden frame. He would sit on one of the little chairs at the little dining-table as directed, to be served a pretend cappuccino and a plastic delicacy. He’d play his part of a happy customer, with no effort required, and compliment Katie on her café management skills and her painting.

If Tom was first to see him, he’d insist on a game of football in the garden if the weather was OK or take Luke to play with toys in his bedroom, getting him to help set up and act out a scene with them, weaving a story full of emotion, suspense, and heroism. In any of these scenarios, Luke would soon feel all traces of tension in his body and trouble in his soul melt away. He’d inwardly laugh at himself for being such a miserable fool. The hollowness would be filled, and the lingering bitterness, temporarily kept at bay, would feel the threat of someday being permanently conquered by these little exemplars of sincerity.

And yet, by no later than Tuesday morning, the undercurrent of sorrow in his being would return, and life would feel nothing more than an exhausting performance.

This routine lasted several months.

The previous Friday though, Luke joined James and Tess at their local for a quiz night. He stayed over at their house afterwards. In the morning, he was awoken by the endless chatter of little voices in the kitchen.

When he looked in from the dining-room hallway he saw the backs of Katie and Tom, who were sat on stools in front of the counter dipping their fingers in a mixing bowl, and Tess, who was washing a spatula in the sink. As Tess turned around, Katie and Tom quickly withdrew their fingers. Recognising the guilt in their faces, that Luke couldn’t see, Tess tried and failed to keep a straight face as she said, ‘I know you’ve been putting your fingers in there.’

Katie and Tom giggled and pointed at one another to shift blame.

Tess noticed Luke and returned his smile. This prompted the kids to swivel around on their stools.

‘We’re making cookies,’ Tom, unaware of the flour on the tip of his button nose, said excitedly. Katie smiled and rubbed her hands together.

‘I don’t know why it took so long, but something just clicked,’ Luke told his brother after describing the scene. He explained how he realised that all his efforts for improvement were still underpinned by a motivation to become the man Maggie told him he would never be, and that he’d never stopped to think if it was the kind of man he even wanted to be. When he gave it some consideration, he concluded it wasn’t. ‘I just want to be the kind of man that gets to wake up to a scene like that, with my own wife and kids, knowing I’ve done my part to make them as happy as they make me,’ Luke claimed. ‘Basically, you, but better looking and more intelligent,’ he added jokingly, to distract from the embarrassment he felt at bearing part of his newly nourished soul.

‘I’ll give you the more intelligent part,’ James replied, looking into his brother’s eyes to communicate the embarrassment was unnecessary.

‘I know there’s no guarantees. If I am going to get there though, it will take a lot of patience and effort. I need to clear my head and just enjoy my own company for a bit, first.’ Luke went on.

James, satisfied the turnabout in his brother’s outlook would endure, smiled at Luke. ‘I’m sure you’re aware, but I should still remind you. Those two can be absolute monsters at times.’

‘I know. Still worth it through, right?’

‘I can’t wait to see you experience it. Nothing comes close,’ James answered, the sincerity of his soul beaming from his eyes. ‘Speaking of the little monsters, sounds like Tess is back from school pick-up,’ he then said, hearing car doors slam in the driveway.

Katie entered first. Mimicking her mother from the day before, she put her school bag on the dining-room table with a sigh. ‘What…a…day,’ she said, shaking her head. Tom, after the struggle of removing his schoolbag, which covered the top of his neck to the back of his knees, copied his sister. Then they ran to Luke to give him a hug.

‘Have you two been well-behaved enough to deserve korma for dinner?’ James asked, pointing the korma-stained end of a wooden spoon at his children.

Katie and Tom both claimed they had.

‘Korma. Good choice,’ Tess said as she entered, then walked over to give her husband a kiss.

Katie, her eyes filled with excitement, grabbed Luke’s hand and began to pull. ‘I’ve done a new painting for the café. Come and see,’ she instructed.

‘Take your schoolbag with you,’ Tess told her daughter, who grabbed her bag and led James to her room.

‘Busy day today, Jeffy?’ Katie asked on her way into her room. The question was directed to her meerkat cuddly toy, who sat against a toy shopping basket on the café counter. From the ages of one to five, Katie barely spent a minute without Jeffy, whose arms were loose at the joints from being carried around by them all the time, and neck limp from all the cuddling. They had grown independent of one another over the last couple years but were still good friends. Katie put her apron on and relayed to Luke that it had been a busy day and that the café had sold out of muffins. ‘Will a donut be OK?’ she asked, switching on her toy cappuccino maker.

‘Of course,’ Luke answered, carefully sitting in a little seat. He studied Katie’s painting of a dolphin jumping out of the ocean at sunset. The wash of colours in the background blended beautifully. He was sure he was related to a little genius. He told her she was very talented.

When he was done with his donut, cappuccino, and chat, Luke thanked Katie for the excellent service, swiped his credit card on her toy EFTPOS machine, and pulled a pound coin from his wallet to leave as a tip. As he left, he found Tom leaning his head out of his bedroom to beckon him in.

Luke then helped his nephew with the setting up and acting out of a scene, in which Spiderman, moonlighting for the Paw Patrol, was having to shoot webs at a boulder − that some ‘naughty, naughty cats’ had managed to roll down a hill − to save it from crashing into a parade on its’ way through the town at the hill’s base.

Wondering how it was possible for him to ever have been miserable, Luke left the kids to it and joined the adults in the kitchen. After thanking her for all her help, he told Tess of his plans. She approved. ‘I’ve wanted to do it for ages. Maggie always told me a tour through Europe sounded basic, though,’ he added.

‘I wonder who told her to have that opinion,’ Tess replied with an involuntary rolling of the eyes. ‘Heard from her lately?’ she then asked.

‘Not for a while. Last update was from a mutual friend. She was on her way to Asia to find herself.’

‘Well, I hope for her sake, she doesn’t succeed. I wouldn’t wish that disappointment on anyone,’ Tess answered. ‘Anyway. You’ll have a great time. It will do you good. Who knows, if James behaves himself, I might even let him join you for a weekend at some point,’ she added with a smile. ‘Korma smells amazing, love,’ she then told her husband, before retiring to her room for her habitual half-hour evening meditation.

A while later, all regrouped around the dinner table, having enjoyed a curry, Luke told Katie and Tom of his plans. There were no tears, but they both did say they would ‘miss him lots.’

Luke looked at his niece and nephew with a smile full of appreciation. He wondered a moment if he would last a few months without the top up to his morale their company always supplied.

‘Where are you going first?’ Katie then asked.

‘France,’ Luke replied.

‘Great,’ Katie asserted. With a mischievous look, she left the table, took an envelope from the wicker basket on the kitchen counter and headed to her room. She returned a few minutes later.

‘Jeffy keeps telling me he wants to go to France again. He had such a good time when we went,’ Katie told Luke, handing him Jeffy and an envelope. The front of the envelope, switched to portrait mode, had a square in the top left corner with a drawing of Jeffy’s face. Written in the centre of the envelope, was ANIMAL PASSPORT. Inside, were banknotes from her café, as well as some pound coins from her own savings. When Luke, prompted by the weight of coins to look inside, found the money, Katie told him it was to pay for Jeffy’s ticket.

‘You keep your money. I think I can get a friend of mine to get him a free ticket,’ Luke told her, returning the notes and coins.

‘Are you sure?’ she asked with an adorable sense of relief at getting to keep her coins.

‘Of course. Does he like French food?’ Luke then asked.

‘He loves baguettes. Only ham though. He says the cheese there is a bit yucky.’

‘OK. Is he allowed beer?’

‘No,’ she answered with a cross of her arms, and a put-on frown she could only hold a couple seconds, before giggling and saying, ‘He’ll just burp all the time, like daddy.’

‘OK. I’ll make sure he stays off the beer. Can he speak French?’

‘He only knows bonjour and merci. He says he’s good talking like people from Spain, but I think he just makes the words up.’

‘That’s OK. We’ll figure it all out when we get there. Looks like we’re going on holiday together, Jeffy,’ he then told the meerkat.

Tom suddenly ran off to his bedroom.

‘Thank you, lots and lots,’ Katie said, throwing her arms open for a hug.

‘You’re welcome, sweetheart,’ Luke answered, getting up from his chair then lowering himself to the height where his neck could be hung from.

As Katie let go of Luke’s neck, Tom, who felt Spiderman was due a holiday, came back with his action figure in hand.

‘Do you think your friend can get him a ticket, too?’ he asked with nervous excitement.

‘Of course, mate,’ Luke answered. Tom, filled with gratitude, handed Spiderman over. 

‘Will he need a passport?’ Luke then asked Katie, thinking she might enjoy making another one.

With a look of disbelief, enhanced by raised shoulders and outfaced palms, Katie answered, ‘It’s Spiderman! Everybody already knows who he is.’

‘You’re right,’ Luke laughed. ‘Looks like the three of us are off on holidays, then,’ he followed, turning Jeffy and Spiderman to look his way.

Half an hour later, Luke said his goodbyes. When he got home, he began packing. He found a holdall bag wasn’t sufficient for his needs, but there was plenty of space in a suitcase. The following morning, Jeffy and Spiderman snugly packed away, Luke set off to the airport, excited by the beginning of a new chapter in his life.